Dreams of regeneration

The pale blue light of the full moon

makes the tears gathering in the corners of my eyes

more obvious

as I stare at pictures of us on my phone

lifeless

wanting to call you.

It's late and I've had some wine

opened a Pinot to enjoy

with the calamari we used to order together

from the Italian place on 153rd.

"Make sure they still have tentacles not just rings"

you'd insist.

Were you controlling

or just concerned that your favorite dish might change?

You never did like to feel out of control,

never did like change.

I did my best to provide stability

(or at least consistency).

Is that what you needed

or is that why you left?

I drift off to sleep,

phone in hand

your number half dialed.

Wet eyes now the size of frisbees,

I dream of being a giant squid.

Eight strong arms and two tentacles,

2,240 suction cups to hold, taste and smell you

each one with more taste receptacles than the human tongue.

Gliding through the deep blue sea,

my large eye may not catch you in the darkness,

but I will recognize you when I smell you.

I will know you when I taste you.

I will feel you when I hold you in my arms.

I glide through the water,

let the many scents of the deep flow across my arms

as I search for you.

Maybe you're hiding in a sunken shipwreck.

Maybe you've found a hidden treasure far away from me.

Maybe you will break my heart when I find you.

I know you will break my heart when I find you.

but squids have three hearts

Maybe you will resent being found,

attack me and cut off my arms.

I know you will resent me when I find you.

but squids can regenerate

Under the right circumstances

you can even chop off a squid's head

and it will grow another.

So I will continue to search for you

and I will imagine

the two of us suspended in the deep sea

together

where movement is slow

and my many arms are strong enough to hold you this time.

Where I am strong enough to hold you this time.

And the water is dense enough

for you to stay.