Do I fly or Do I Stay?

When I closed my eyes, I saw the stars. I was an astronaut. A real dream from a far. We were getting ready to board the ship, but I got scared because I didn’t know what to expect. I feared the worst possible outcome, that we wouldn’t come back. But, I was reassured that wouldn’t be a fact. It was simply to view the ship for when we take off. Nothing to be afraid of. That we would just be making a stop. I mentioned how I had a job interview the following week? Something that I couldn’t fail to meet. Once spoken of, the women I was walking with told me to make a choice.

“We will be leaving next Tuesday.” She said, “You have a couple days to make a decision.” If I would rather stay then go instead.

I went around to people I didn’t recognize, but were somehow my friends. I asked them, “Do you guys want to take a picture with me?"

They seemed confused.

"Just in case this is the end. So you have a memory.”

“Of course we will.” They replied.

I felt like I was in a hurry.

Perhaps this dream was a message from the universe. Before I went to bed I prayed, “Please Lord. If this man is for me, can you give me a sign? Should I leave or should I stay?” I feel like they always show me mixed signals when it comes to decisions that involve free will. It’s truly up to me. I suppose I get nervous for the future, and what will happen, because it’s something I’m not able to see.

I feel like the universe was answering my question by asking me two. Do you want to take a leap of faith, even though you're terrified and are unsure of what I will do? Or, perhaps you could choose to be with someone that you've known for years instead? It’s more convenient and right in front of you. You won’t have to put another lap in.

It seems like I've been the only one that’s tried however. Through heartache and tribulation I’ve run through. For the eleven years he’s been in my life. He hasn’t let go of all his nasty habits, but I suppose someone can’t do that overnight. It’s hard for us to communicate. We have different interests, and desires. If I didn’t say I tried to imagine a future with him, you’d be calling me a liar. My mind and my heart are in the middle of a war. My mind has been contemplating what to do, even though my heart is sore. I’m reminded of all the pain in the past, but we started talking everything out before....

I said, “I’m leaving again.” At last. But, then I miss him? I want to go back? Is it toxic or do we just need to work things out? That's what happens in relationships, right? But he makes me sad. He doesn’t seem to want to understand my traumas.

“They are just excuses,” he said.

That’s not something I want to hear. I recently went to the bar a few days ago, had one too many drinks, and a handful of tears. I can’t seem to move on. Do I still love him or is it a trauma bond? I know my self-worth now, and want better for myself. He seems like he’s only bad for my mental health. But, when I don’t see him for a while I miss him. It gets to a point he’s all I think about. I want to kiss him. I keep getting signs that I would be sacrificing. But would he do the same for me? He doesn’t seem to care, like he says he does, and easily sets me free.

Maybe I'm just scared the past will repeat itself? He made me really depressed. It felt like I walked through Hell and back. I wanted to change myself for him, no matter the cost. I never gave anything a second thought. Perhaps I'm upset right now because he won't take that step for me. He won't give up smoking or try to be patient. Is it something he will ever be?

Am I doing the same? Why can't I look past the way he acts when he covers up his pain? Hides it with, "I honestly don't care but...." it seems all the same. He's been hurt constantly by different women. They've all cheated on him. In vain. He doesn't know his self worth because it's become the norm. He's never been in a healthy relationship before. I'm trying to be more understanding, for him and for myself. Or should I just walk away and try to put my feelings on a shelf? I want to be more vulnerable and open. I want to just let myself feel my emotions. To not let my mind control them. We are really different. I seem to notice it more day-by-day. But, we are two separate people after all. He's not my twin flame and possibly not the one the universe and God have chosen for me. Maybe not being in my life anymore. At all.

I want to be with a spiritual man and meditate together under a tree. Watch the stars, take a walk, or watch a funny movie. Travel the states with him in a tiny home, have a cute family, and get married on the beach. He encourages me to love myself without expectation. Something for my future I can see. But, is it with him or someone else? Do I help him heal or just help myself? Is that selfish or smart to do? I don’t want to exhaust myself. That’s something I’ve already been through.

Do I choose to stay on land or fly? Go to the stars, without a clue as to what will happen, and why? Or, stay in a familiar position and possibly cry? I feel like the universe and God want me to make my own decision regarding this part of my life. They just want me to be happy and no longer carry any strife. I'm learning to forgive my first love so I can move on. But, do I leave him behind or sing a new version of an old song? Do I ponder away or just let whatever may happen? My head is spinning like a spaceship going through our galaxy. Past the stars and over the sea. Nervous to take the leap. I have trust in the universe and know things will be okay. But, do I fly or do I stay?