To my first love

Over the course of the last 10 years, I've been trying to understand my unexplainable fears. Rejection and fear of intimacy with many tears. I’ve dealt with so much as a woman because of men who haven’t been able to keep their thoughts or their hands within….their own space. The lack of trust is unfortunate. I've never been in a real relationship before. I think it could be because of that. Unless you account for the boy I dated for 3 months in high school. But, even at 15….thought it was okay to do something without my consent.

I haven’t gone past 2nd base. My body has only been slightly touched due to fear or kissed on the face. I'm still a virgin at 27. Most people don't know. Of course it's nothing to be ashamed of. But every year it’s something that grows. A kind, understanding, open minded, spiritual, and above all patient person…..a non-toxic individual I have a lot in common with, I long for. To experience the world together. Hand in hand. No fear. I don't wanna be a robot anymore. Oh dear….

At 16 years old, I was told that physical pleasure was a sin. That wanting to feel something outside of marriage wasn’t acceptable and waiting for that moment was important. My religion made me feel like it was something to be ashamed of. I would feel dirty afterwards and would pray after every session. I tried to have experiences with people. So I could know what being vulnerable was like. Letting someone touch my body out of spite. To date and get out there. However, every time I was told, "no" it made me close off more and more. I eventually quit trying and started to keep to myself. But, I now know rejection is protection. A closed door for a reason. It wasn't because of me. For the lack of a better word, it was selection.

However, at the time, I didn't feel like my first love wanted me back. It made me doubt my self worth, whether I was pretty enough, or fat. I thought about changing my appearance, or maybe if I was skinnier, I'd be more attractive. I started to turn into something I was not. A hermit who was codependent. Spending less time with her friends and family, no matter what he did. I was heartbroken, felt used, and confused. A teenage girl....what was I to do? Experiencing real feelings for the first time. Unsure how to use them. I wanted to be around him all the time. Even when he seemed uninterested in my company. My feelings didn’t feel valued. I almost felt like he abused them.

But, now that I'm older I can see more. Why he may have acted the way he did. He was dealing with his own pain. Treated with lack of compassion and disdain. He was inside his own head. Holes in the walls. Turned to drugs and alcohol. To cope….

He wanted to run away. He too didn't feel the love he deserved. Girls treating him like he was an object or people leaving him when things got too hard. Making him crave physical intimacy in an unhealthy way. Not knowing how to express himself. It seems so even today….Unfortunately he has low self esteem. Hates his smile and in the between. But adult life has humbled him. It's taught him how to be kind, sweet, and gentle. A better version of himself that he can live with. Not selfish or hurtful. He regrets his past and wants to move forward. To do better by the girl, and a better future. But he can't seem to let go of ex's that hurt him. This much I know. He needs to focus on self healing and the love for himself will grow.

The girl is also haunted by the past. Afraid it will repeat itself. Seeing his face reminds him of how he treated her….is she just an option perhaps? She wants to know the truth. Is she someone he truly values? She wants him to be more open instead of hiding his words. Getting to know each other again is what's needed as adults….it will help the hurt. To not act like the last 10 years didn't happen. To move forward without anger or worry. The line is wearing thin. Their relationship may be something they have to bury.

She knows she deserves love, but doesn't know how to receive it. She pushes people away. Feelings may pop up but she turns her cheek. Scared of being hurt again that day.

The boy however seems to be the opposite. Not sure how to be patient. Grabbing her hand. He wants it so bad he doesn't know how to deal with it. Doesn't care if she winces….He claims that, "I'm his best friend." But can't honor my boundaries when his mind is in the deep end.

Unsure how to be in a relationship they both share. One that is filled with patience and vulnerable intimacy. They are both trying they swear. They seem to have a spiritual connection somehow. There's no way to go around it. Angel numbers they both see, feeling each other's presence even when not in communication. There's no denying it. "I can't ignore this connection." "We came back at the same time….what's going on?" We always come back to each other, even when I try to move on.

But, there seems to be something else in the way. The girl appears to not feel the same. She tried holding hands with the boy, receiving a kiss from him, and even cuddling. Her butterflies aren't there anymore. All the pain and heartache turned them off. That's for sure….

The boy also appears to have the same nasty habits. Still smoking cigarettes and nicotine. Not as bad as before but still breathing them in on the daily. Doesn't take care of himself as much as he should. “Doesn't care if he di*s”,…..the girl wished hearing this was a lie. It was something she didn’t want to hear. She wants him to go to the dentist to save his teeth. Not end up like her aunt. A bacterial infection. That could be near. She wants him to live a long life so they can continue to try and understand each other. Possibly a healthy relationship together? Is that a bad thing to imagine?

Her getting over the past and letting go of her anger. An old friend…..a husband or father? But if things don't change, they will be farther apart than before. A soon to be closed door unable to open again. Throwing away the key and stepping away instead of in. The time is going by too quickly to ignore. She doesn’t want to waste it as it is too precious to simply throw away. She’s almost 30 with no kids or husband. She wants to wake up with a smile, breakfast in bed, and happiness to no end.

The girl is trying to do better for herself. And the boy seems to be trying. But will they stay in each other's lives for much longer? That we'll have to see….in due time. The girl wants to stop asking questions and just let whatever happens happen….not to be so afraid anymore and just try. She's unsure what will come out of it.

But who knows in relationships. They can be hard and confusing. Something unsure of and why. They can be pick-and-choosy. But, when two people always come back together there must be a reason. Right? Maybe healing is the answer. To have a relationship in a positive, healthy way. In a better light. To give undconditional love to a partner who has done them wrong. Something neither have ever experienced. Both of them to be more open and understanding. To help each other in this moment. Be more vocal so the healing can begin properly. Being silent and just assuming isn't going to go smoothly. They are both two different people after all. In their late 20's still trying to understand love. One step at a time is needed, not too fast and not too slow…..

Let me ask you a few questions.

1.) Are you willing to be patient and understanding?

2.) Keep your partner in mind while you continue to do healing?

3.) Time is the most precious thing you can give someone. Are you giving yours or taking?

4.) Do you truly value her or are you faking?

5.) Are you willing to see things from her point of view or just assume?

6.) Are you willing to communicate more or just keep to yourself and not let the relationship bloom?

7.) Are you willing to ask for consent before doing anything? She is vulnerable because of past pain and needs understanding. No pressure. Otherwise she will walk away again. Without saying anything.

And finally....

8.) If we decide to finally be a couple after all this time, will I be your priority or just something for you on the sideline. I won’t question my worth again. I know mine. I’m not going to let you take advantage of me. I know when you’re lying.

I’m not asking these questions to make you feel bad. I’ve just done a lot of work on myself and know that…..I deserve to be treated with respect and won’t settle for less. So if you’re not willing to do so, I’m not wasting my time. Or getting undressed. If you don’t try for me, I won’t try for you. Let’s work together. Through on through.

What do you say?

Yes or no?

Should I stay or should I go?

Give me a proper answer. Don’t hold back. I’m not going to hurt you like those other girls, so I hope you won’t do the same to me ever again. I’ve never played pretend. You can trust that, in the end….I’ve always been honest. To every extent.

Read this again if you must. To see what you’re getting yourself into. It won’t just be lust. I’m a woman who knows her worth. Who will treat you right and maybe even splurge a little too…..but if you break my heart again, I won’t hesitate. Saying, “Good-bye” will not wait. I’ll block you from my socials and from my life. We won’t come back together. Right?