To 15 Year Old Me

To my 15 year old self

If I could relay a message to the younger me, it would be….

….that in order to get to where you are now….

….healed, a kind person, and proud….don’t build a time machine and go back. Sometimes we have to go through heartbreak to know what true love is really like. They treat you with respect, don’t make you second guess your self worth, and love you for who you are. And, the like.

So you know what to expect and experience, here’s some advice. Depression, pain, and loneliness. Don’t try to avoid it. It will be alright. It will make you strong. Remind you to not stay in the past and move on. So you don’t live with regret. Lack of freedom from a possible unwanted future. Concrete that is set. Listen to what I’m about to say. Don’t plug your ears or run away. It’s nothing too horrendous, but something that I have to say.

One boy at a time, these messages will flow. One reminder for each experience, a little of anxiety I will bestow. But don’t worry. It will be okay. Only the memories will stay. You will be happy. With your soon to be husband. We don’t know who yet. But, he’s going to be someone healthy for you. Don’t fret. Our future is wide and something to look forward to. A wondrous blank slate after almost 3 years in California. A curious mind. That will do. You got this little me! Be prepared and ready. There will be tears. Many. But, I know you can do it. You’re a strong and beautiful soul. Just don’t over do it and take it slow.

~~

Here’s the first boy you encountered in your teenage years. You were young. 15 and dumb. There were many tears. Your first boyfriend left a bad taste on your tongue. Trauma on your neck, lack of trust for your future, and a realization that one can date without being in love. He left a big scar on your heart. Made you afraid to try when a new boy came into your life. It was hard.

“Your first love” however, didn’t turn out the way you expected. He asked you out and you rejected. Your pain from your first, left you feeling unprotected. He became your friend and your new crush. All throughout high school you felt less worthy and not enough. You thought if you changed for him, you’d fall into his arms. A place you longed to be more often than not below the stars. He became your never ending thought, crying in your car. It became hard to be around him, and left another scar on your heart.

The next boy was a short experience, nothing physical. Left you feeling a bit shaken up, like you walked into something typical. He was your friend but asked, “Do you mind if I kiss you?” While following you around the house. My boy. God bless you. “I’m not that type of girl.” You answered. It’s nothing you wanted to talk about. You held your ground and walked out. Never to speak to him again. Not even as a friend.

The next was a once to be thought friend. He made a bad move and lost you in the end. He asked you out to have a fun day. You thought nothing of it. Nothing romantic in any way. You took a little drive and went to the park. Sat on the swings, three feet apart. He came up to you. Sat in your lap. Expected something to happen but you almost gave him a slap. He tried to kiss you without consent. What did he think was going to happen? Now he’s a father with 3 kids. In a relationship with a nice girl. You only know this because of Facebook. What a small world.

And, the boy whom you rejected in high school stayed in your life for almost ten years. “Your first love” who now has a beard. I don’t know what to make of it now, he’s confusing. He said he didn’t want to be with you in high school but now sounds pick and choosy. I don’t know what to make of his words. They could be a lie. He sounds lonely and misses having a good thing in his life. When you know you deserve better and tell him, “bye” he doesn’t try to fight for you. Almost making you feel like you’ve been left out to dry. “I’ve loved you since we were little I just didn’t want to ruin our friendship” but used you in the process. It was selfish and wasn’t right. He, however, has low self esteem from lack of love that he hasn’t shared. From women that took advantage of him the past couple of years. He doesn’t like his appearance and hides his smile. He asks about you through other friends. “Is she mad at me? I miss her. It’s been a while.” One could say he needs to go on a healing journey just like us. The use of drugs and alcohol for his pain has taken an effect on him. Almost like he’s enduring rust. Nothing he can take back or his sins. He’s trying to make amends…something you’re trying to make peace with. Not knowing what happens in the end.

~~

When we think back….there were a few crushes during college that weren’t meant for you and possibly this person with a beard that I speak of too. You found your other half a few years ago but now are unsure of what to do. You’ve put your trust in the Universe and are being patient. We’ve been on our spiritual journey for 5 years now. The learning is adjacent.

But, “Him.” He’s still with you. Your Twin Flame. Spiritually but physically we don’t know. It’s all the same. You just left California after almost 3 years of asking, “Is it in this lifetime?” You feel you are to blame. You met a few times in passing. Small conversations, a few hugs exchanged. But the lack of confidence shrouded your judgment. It drove you insane. You had a HUGE spiritual awakening and plenty of self love for the taking. Now you are simply going day by day, living your life, not sitting in stillness. Going forward is needed for you. No more waiting.

You will come back together physically when the time is right. No more staying….still.

We don’t know if it’s in this lifetime or in the next despite. You have some financial instability. That’s why you left the city of lights. You’ll get back on track. This I know. We are NEVER going to give up! We just have to take it slow. One day at a time. Staying focused on us. That’s right. :)

A spiritual journey is a lot to take in. Many things happen on the outside and in. You find out who you are. Not just a being on Earth but are also from the stars. It’s scary and hard. But, it’s worth it, trust me. It will take you far. Out of your low vibration. Little to no depression. Healing of trauma, shadow work, and you learn of new dimensions. You’re not crazy. It’s normal. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s not. It’s your world. Not theirs. You’re not a gambling slot. You learn a lot along the way. Can see why others have pain and why they try to take yours away.

You begin to understand that spirits and entities are not just fictional characters in books in movies. They are real things in our world just like we are. Something else that you will be convinced is false and couldn’t possibly be real. But, stay true to yourself and don’t listen to the small minds of others. Don’t grow to hate each other. You’re the light in a lot of people's lives. You’re a lightworker….with a big job. Don’t set it aside. Stay strong. :)

We don’t know what’s going to happen for our future. However, we do know what career we want to have. Writing is a lot of fun. You get to use your imagination, your words. Stories that are seamlessly never done.

So, for the time being, stay focused on being a little kid. Once you hit adulthood, it hits you like a freight train. Things appear to have no end. Bills, stress, physical pain. Enjoy it while you can and embrace these moments. Don’t get caught up in….“Being an adult.” Enjoy every moment. It feels weird being a teenager. Don’t it?