Did You Know?

When you speak to me I get a headache.

When you drive/front, I feel like a doped up, mental patient just looking out the window sublimely.

When you interrupt me, I go into a daze and wonder where I was.

Who am I when you have taken the wheel?

What defines me when you take over my life and pretend to be me?

How do I express myself through the lenses of you?

And how do I honor your space?

Because you deserve to be heard and seen in whatever way is comfortable for you.

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You deserve to be allowed to experience life unencumbered as I do.

You are as alive as I am.

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And yet,

I feel strange when you leave,

And even stranger when you show back up.

I walk around in a haze, not knowing what to do with myself and have to realign myself to who I am once I am back in the body.

I don’t know how to balance us.

But I see that you are trying.

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I see you being kind and generous and considerate of me.

I see you setting boundaries that protect both of us.

And I thank you.

I don’t know what life would look like without you because we have been doing this dance for so long now that even when we trip each other up, we pick up the steps when we can get a footing again.

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I want to know you and like you, but I don’t.

I want to feel comfortable with you being you, but I don’t.

I want to give you the freedom to express yourself, but I am afraid that if you do, it will reflect badly on me. Because I am who the world sees even when you are driving/fronting, and that is a scary thought.

I don’t really know you yet but I’m trying, every day to honor us wherever we are.

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I am learning to accept this place where we are together and recognize that you are definitely not me.

You have your own thoughts and desires.

You have your own preferences and opinions.

You have your own perspective and motivations.

You are a person, whole and complete.

And yet we share space.

Space that gets tangled and confused sometimes.

Space that doesn’t always protect ourselves from one another.

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And yet,

I see that we are both trying.

We do this dance and we learn…

That is all we can expect I guess.

Every day is a challenge with you,

But I won’t stop trying,

Even though it’s painful sometimes.