Dearly Departed

Dear JB,

It feels odd to write that in place of the phrase I actually called you by,

But despite the medium, I want to keep some anonymity, and make this letter just for you and I.

I still remember every detail of our last conversation, every word you spoke, every breath, every pause,

the tone, the inflection - your almost sorrowful expression.

It was as if you knew what was to come next

For a brief moment, I thought I did too - No, no. I struck that from my mind, it was too dark a thought,

surely it was just an intrusive one! I kid myself: the end for us could not be nigh.

So I shared an embrace with you and let out the faintest of sighs, part worry, butterflies sinking down in panic, part relief as my brain calmed me, "There's no reason to feel this way, don't think like that, surely the end isn't nigh."

You told me you loved me and my mouth was open, but only silence came as my reply. I was overwhelmed and filled with joy and surprise all the same - Not at the feeling, I knew of it - But the confirmation I had craved. Nobody in life before had ever said the same. I tripped over myself, I struggled for words, I tried to say "I love you too"

Instead, I said "I know."

I told myself I'd make that right; I'd make a point of it the next time I saw you. I'd make sure you knew I loved you the way you made sure I knew too. If only I'd trusted my foresight, I'd have known the end for us was nigh.

I'd give anything to go back to that moment. To tell you how I felt.

To make sure you know how much you meant to me, back then, right now, and in the days to come.

I take solace in the spiritual signs I had from you after you were gone,

I feel you watching over me and gain the strength to carry on,

So I hope you're watching me write this too, so you can see what still lives on:

The love and admiration I have for you and our truly special bond.

I hope there's a heaven above us and that you're relaxing there right now,

That you're no longer in pain, that you're smiling from ear to ear and never given a reason to frown,

I hope one day I'll meet you there and we can share all the times we've missed.

So please, save a space for me, and maybe one day we'll sit together among the clouds,

To laugh and reminisce.

Sincerely,

Thomas.