Comfort in Despair

I realize I've been acting like a child.

Not in a bratty unaware spoiled way but in the way where I've been here before.

In a pool, no, a sea of complex pain.

Being yanked into different directions.

Where guilt and shame swim freely.

Where I feel as if I'm drowning, and the waves take everything and everyone I love.

And even though my present self is confused by my actions,

it makes perfect sense to the lost, hurt and unnurtured child that still lives inside me.

She's no stranger to being looked over, rejected, untouched, repressed, quieted, beaten, and afraid.

I'm so afraid.

My awareness is there yet she hinders my actions, my thoughts, my well-being.

She's no stranger to cold, abyssal waters and she would rather stay there herself, fighting to stay afloat, than let anyone else put her there.