Battle of Longing

It borderline drives me up the wall that you're invading my mind

There's no point to all this, so why am I longing for you so deeply?

We have spoken in circles around this topic to no end.

Yes, we are both fully aware of all the potential pitfalls, yet here I am stuck

In a puddle of thoughts, testing a possibility of you, even though I know it won't be possible.

The Bible says something about the heart being deceptive...

Ah yes, it says, "*The heart is deceitful* above all things and exceedingly corrupt" (Jeremiah 17:9).

I think I finally understood what that means.

It's so intrinsically tied to the flesh, like a magnet ripped from the earth's center.

The CEBA Bible in **Sirach 21:2** so beautifully states, "Run away from sin like you would from a snake:

If you go near it, it will bite you. Its teeth are lion's teeth, destroying a person's life."

So you see, this battle is innately physical, and I feel it in my body.

It's the very real reason why I run circles, as I fight inside and out for a forbidden you.

The flesh is truly a fight as I battle my biggest test,

And that's something I don't think you understand.

I always took what I wanted when I wanted, but here I am with my arms untied,

Failing to reach, with sweat dripping down my brow.

I fight to remember my vows, I scream inside, searching for a loophole, a gap,

Perhaps a place where I can still win. But no... nothing good is ever easy.

As I feel this knot move between my throat and my heart when it comes to you,

It stops me dead in my tracks, reminding me of rent you never paid,

And promises you never kept nor committed to.

Walking away from something I deeply desire is as real as peeling the skin off winter, pretending it's spring.

So I sit here and fight an internal battle as I try to forget you,

Knowing that forgetting seasons is real.

You're a very real problem for me, and I wonder if it's easy for you too.