...anymore

I don't miss you anymore

the shadows are so engulfing

that all I can do is

throw words at them by the thousands

and try to break free...maybe

maybe

my words will crack the sun open

maybe

I can pick them up off the floor

and dry my tears

I can pretend that

the shadows don't follow me

that they're not there as I walk on a sunny afternoon

with my eyes open

watching the rest of the world smile

I'm tired of pretending

that I don't miss you

I don't miss the way you touched me

while I was sleeping

the way your fingers

would push my hair over my ear

so you could watch my face

I don't miss you

I sit in silence

listening to the

sounds you used to make

when you would make coffee before

I would get up

I miss the smell of you on my sheets

but it's been so long

that I don't even know

what it is that I'm missing

I miss that smile

that haunts my dreams

because it's the only place

that I know what happiness feels like

...felt like

but I go through every motion of every day

with a smile on my face

hoping that one day...

...that one day

if I paint it on hard enough

it will stick

so again

I throw words at the world

and I paint pictures that I can't possibly

convey in the depth of which

they are stabbing me

but if I pull the words out of my veins

where you left them...empty

it might kill me

I might bleed them all at once

with no way to stop them

your hand over my heart

healed everything

temporarily

and now

I am diseased flesh

with holes where feelings should be

I am the smell

of lies and perfidy

I am

everything I hate

about you

so I can't miss you

if I miss the way you hurt me

I'll never be whole

if I miss the gaping wounds you left

when you pulled your love

out of my skin

what does that say about me

so I don't miss you

I don't miss you

it's not in the ink I bleed with

it's not in the images in my head

it's not in my own reflection

I don't miss you

...anymore

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