Angst High Tea

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The dread of your inevitable absence

The dread when this high is past tense

The dread every time I doubt I’m played

The dread of this silence

Dreading to wake up

to learn the brutal truth

That I am only but, a muse

In me you only sought refuge

Ever seen a bigger fool?

Enticed with the thrill of lowly fruit

Hoping to find some unknown truth

Drawn out each time with familiar doubt

I’m yet to learn the lesson given out

It must be a hella art to play your part

One moment you’re the moon and stars

The next you’re the starless night in the dark

Is this your best part?

Your masterpiece, your work of Art?

Ever known no bigger fool

Dawning the Artist’s air of cool

Alas, I’m putting on this Artist’s noose

Singed and charred

Yet never calling truce

These ashes still burn

These patterns they churn

Maybe a masterpiece one day will earn

Pieces of me, call it pieces of Art

Hoping to find a place in your heart

Is there a heart, my Love?

A place where I’d belong

Or am I airey ashes over stone, blowing along?

Why then do I hope?

Why then do I feel

A soul in you that is a part of me?

These aren’t mere questions that ride my mind

This is the pulse in my veins every waking moment of my time

Dropping from the highest highs

I’ve lost count, how many times

Taking this fall yet again

Out this turmoil I’ll crawl

Ever known love and deceit

could brim over and feed a demon that enthralls?

This demon has fed, my Love

I pray it is time to now rest yours

Reference:

"Love made me do it" is a collection of poems about a journey in search for True Love, the one that lasts, the one that is here to stay. The poems journey through varied phases from initial dreamy, starry-eyed, promising relationships, through tragic unrequited love, leading into a state of dejection, and eventual liberation.

In this poem 'Relapse', the poet has arrived at a phase where seeking love has brought more perturbation than joy. Having put undying promises of love to rest, the poet arrives at a phase of apathy for true love. Ricocheting from one illicit affair to another, the poet ends up desperately chasing these momentary euphoric experiences with a vengeance, and hasn't given up just yet. The drastic choices made here, most definitely put a wedge in finding true love, and it may just be why the poet has ended up so. When all attempts fail consistently, the mind sub-consciously ends up making choices to prove that prophecy. In this case here, 'Endangering the pureness of true love due to the lack of finding it.' Because it is a natural instinct for the mind to fight for survival, rather than making a prudent decision, like stepping out of the situation and assessing what needs to be done differently, it instinctively reacts to cope instead.

The poet here justifies these risky choices as those of an alter ego, in the form of an artist, risking sanity in return for content, to feed the artist's mind. The anxiety that ensues post every experience, is what is pressing to shed a light upon. The euphoria and the ecstasy from indulging in something forbidden, is easily given in to. It is the aftermath and the long term consequences that impact the mind, that need to be addressed and overcome. Over time, a skewed reality percolates the mind so deep, it is a crucial cause for a mental health concern.

In this piece here the poet is bracing through a full blown anxiety attack. Unable to wrap the mind around something that was so real yet, in reality everything has reduced to a mere sliver of wishful memories.

Anxiety is a serious condition clinically diagnosed or not. Many a times most victims of anxiety are unaware of the seriousness of the condition, instead, they learn to live with it. Overtime, the state of anxiety becomes the norm, and acceptance of the overwhelm is one of the first signs of the onset of an Anxiety Disorder. When the mind has identified the state of distraught and overwhelm to be the norm, it ends up consistently making choices unbeknownst to itself, that attract similar situations, eventually spiraling deeper into anxiety each time.

The term anxiety is thrown around so casually these days, when in actuality, anxiety is a mental condition, much more than just a wreck of nerves or brain fog. Anxiety Disorder sets deep, deeper than it's superficial needs such as, calling for attention and incessantly seeking validation. It can drastically vary from feeling compulsive about a situation, to desperately needing a pause to the flood of redundant thoughts. The need to break down the details over and over again, seeking some form of clarity, is exhausting. The constant need to be acknowledged is a gnawing thought pattern, that almost won't contain itself, unless it has been assured of its safety. Sometimes, anxiety can be so overwhelming, it can take over the very existence of the mind, and become a parasitic being, that lives on an involuntary thought pattern like a pulse in the body. There is no active thinking, except it is a constant whir in the back ground. Coupled with restlessness and the inability to focus, the mind still functions with regular daily life within a cloud. This is why it is so hard to recognize the condition, when suffering froim anxiety. Despite the constant whirring buzz of obsessive thoughts, the fantastic creature that it is, the mind learns to cope with it. Unfortunately if it is allowed to live long term, it starts to identify with it, and in this case here, the poet has taken on an alter ego of sorts, to give it its own life and reasoning, serving as a coping mechanism.

Very few even understand how deep seated the impacts of an anxiety disorder are. Leaving an anxious partner by themselves, can lead them into self destruction. They almost always are aware, that they do not feel safe left alone by themselves. Quite expectedly in such situations, restlessness starts to creep in, which commonly leads to a path of poor decisions, atrracting more chaotic situations, that ultimately create more room for anxiety. This vicious cycle is another classic example of a sub-conscious bias, or if you may, the projection of a version of reality where the mind looks for chaos, because it is now, the environment the mind has learnt to survive in.

With chaos and anxiety as the norm, the mind only recognizes the flight or fight mode. A mind suffering from anxiety is fueled by adrenaline, without which the mind is a lethargic unmotivated driver, and the body feels like a sinking ship, getting heavier with fatigue everyday. The contradiction of fatigue from no physical activity at all, is naturally confusing and discouraging, hence the common symptoms of Brain Fog. This phase of fatigue and unmotivated feelings lasts until when the genius mind kicks in to conjure up another thrilling event, that pumps the much awaited adrenaline through the body, to jump start the day. Hence the extreme mood swings, which is one of the most common signs of an Anxiety Disorder. A classic trait of Anxiety Disorder, is leaving everything to the last minute, so the rush to get things done, is way more exciting than planning ahead of time. The rush of chasing a finish line is thrilling to the anxious mind, versus the prudent prep and planning in advance, which makes it a monotonous task, god-forbid a routine chore that never excites the mind.

The human mind is the most fantastic and powerful creature there ever existed. It's perception of something is it's only reality. Now that is unmatched power that can make wonders, or bring upon self-destruction like none other. Each mind has it's own reality attuned only to the boundaries in its finite realm of exposure. The anxious mind loves and obsesses to fuss and fret over the details because this gives the mind something to feed on. The mind is a beast that averages 60,000 thoughts per day. This is why it is so crucial to give the mind something to work on, or it will almost always choose to fiddle. When left to idle, the mind fiddles. Ever tried having no thoughts at all? That's right. All those mindless thoughts come rushing in instantly. Reminds us of that very moment in guided meditations, when the serene voice suggests to let all your thoughts go, right? What they really are suggesting is to allow the mind to rest in that elusive space between computing thoughts and fiddling. That sliver of balance in the mind, is what was coined Zen.

Now it is by choice, one can lead the mind to focus those 60,000 thoughts towards something progressive and fruitful, or to allow the mind to run it's course of fiddle. Set priorities and assign tasks to them, because like a garden with no seeds or watering, it doesn't remain barren, in fact unwanted weeds grow even without watering. Clearing the muddle of thoughts begins from stepping out of the situation, and looking at it from a third perspective. Making an observation of the events that took place, helps in identifying the recurring pattern of events. Only then, can some unbiased reflections be made. What is the common consistent behavior or mindset, that is causing the recurring pattern? What is the message I am receiving about myself in my mind? What is the reality being projected from my mind? These reflections can eventually direct us towards finding the root causes, that may stem from some form of emotional trauma, from a life altering event, or even from a core memory likely from childhood.

That dreaded move into the unknown, to find new unchartered ways for the mind to come out of the cloud, is a deathly fear to the mind. It has inhabitted this environment, that mostly served as a security blanket, in situations it learnt to survive. This is no mean task. This almost always needs an external force to cause a disruption in the cycle, to change the course of the journey, with or without a rude awakening.

In this case here, the poet has now, over the years, had a rude awakening of sorts. From stepping out of the situation and making an observation of events, a discovery of a recurring pattern was made. Being drawn to emotionally, or even physically unavailable partners, seemed to have a trend in the poet's choices. This pointed the direction towards an underlying 'fear of commitment'. The history of almost violently rejecting the one secure relationship with a partner, who was utterly dedicated, and whole heartedly available, provided more evidence to this trend, further confirming the fear of commitment. 'How then, did choosing non-commital relationships serve the mind?', one might ask. A non-commital relationship created a classic environment, that served as a perfect canvas, for the mind to be in a constant search for validation.

The need to seek validation here, maybe an emotional trauma, deep set within its roots, from a parenting style, or a childhood experience. Seeking validation, specifically from where it is the most elusive, was the perception of a version of reality, where it brought a sense of achievement or security. This perception has now become, the basis of existence. Hence non-commital relationships became the breathing ground, and unfulfilling anxiety driven relationships prevailed.

The views expressed in this article are solely based off the writer's personal experiences, shared in the light to bring awareness about mental health concerning Anxiety Disorder from Emotional Trauma. If this poem resonated with you, and relationship dynamics intrigues you too, take a look at more poems by the writer on their page, in the same series," Love Made Me Do It." These poems are written from real experiences, serving as an ode to the lessons to be learnt. It has helped the poet actively reflect upon these situations and overcome them.

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