An Agnostic Convo On High

Below is a humorously serious conversation between an Agnostic and the Almighty. It is not intended to be taken seriously, but to prompt thought only. Possibly a chuckle or two. If you are offended by any casting of doubt onto the teachings of Christianity, please just skip this one.

Note: G is for God: M is for Man

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G: Listen

M: Listen to what?

G: Listen to Me

M: Why? Who are you?

G: I AM

M: You are what?

G: I Am! Heed Me

M: Gotta do better than that

G: I am the creator

M: Of what?

G: Of the very cosmos and all contained therein

M: Cosmos? The bargain store? That's a lot of crap. How many factories do you own?

G: No! Not Costco..., Cosmos. The very universe itself

M: You created the universe and all it contains?

G: YES

M: Gotta say, you created some really nice stuff, but ...

G: But what?

M: Well, I hate to complain Mr. Am..., I mean, the mountains, the trees, oceans, flowers, and all... Thumbs up Dude. Great work.

G: Yes

M: But cancer, polio, arthritis..., death... Not so cool dude.

G: Death is necessary

M: Why?

G: To make room for new life, birth, the cycle of existence

M: Yeah, okay. I guess I can see that.

G: Indeed

M: But Mr. Am... Evil? Pain? Disease?

G: Evil is a choice. Man has free will

M: Okay. Evil is a personal choice. But, You created mankind along with everything else, right?

G: I did

M: So You gave us the weak nature that allows us to succumb to temptation.

G: I did

M: You have omniscience, right? You know all.

G: I do

M: Then you knew Eve would eat the apple. You knew beforehand about Hitler, Stalin, Charles Manson, Dahmer, Jim Jones...

G: I did. I do

M: Basically, everything that has ever happened or ever will falls within your plan.

G: Yes

M: I concede the awesome glory of the sunrise over the ocean; the shimmering beauty of morning dew on the grass; the joy of holding a newborn babe; the majesty of a lion, the grace of a deer..., but

G: All that and much more

M: You could have created a world where the strong didn't need to prey on the weak. Where the Wolf didn't have to eat the rabbit to survive or the eagle the mouse, and so on. Yet, You didn't.

G: I did not

M: Ooookay. May I ask why You created a world wherein the survival of one species or individual depends upon the death of another?

G: My plan is inscrutable

M: I see. I get the whole death making way for new life and all that, but why horrifically painful diseases? Kids dying of cancer. Mental handicaps.

G: All balanced by joy, love, happiness, satisfaction...

M: Maybe to a point, but it all could have been so much better.

G: You must have faith

M: Why?

G: Because I Am the Creator

M; Uh huh. So, basically because You say so.

G: Yes

M: Sorry. That's not good enough. You explain nothing. Your creation, while awesome and beautiful, is also ugly. Rife with misery and pain.

G: You must have faith because I tell you you must have faith

M: Is that what you told Job when you made a bet with Lucifer over morning tea?

G: Job was the most faithful of followers. I knew he would persevere

M: So as a reward for his unflagging faith and devotion to You, You killed his children, invested him with horrible pestilence and disease, and brought him to poverty and destitution? I'd hate to see what you do to those who don't have faith.

G: I also restored his health, his fortune. I blessed him with more children. He was grateful.

M: What about the dead children? Were they grateful?

G: They were part of My plan

M: By choice?

G: No

M: So, not of their free will. The free will You hold in such esteem.

G: It was for the greater glory

M: Whose greater glory?

G: My greater glory

M: Yep. And Auschwitz and the death camps were for Hitler's. I can see why You claim man was made in Your image.

G: Auschwitz was run by man, not Me

M: Isn’t “Thou Shalt Not Kill” one of your biggies? Or, if you prefer the later translation, “Thou Shalt Not Murder.”

G: Yes

M: Yet you killed the entire human race excepting only a single family. The greatest mass murderers in all of human history can’t measure up to that.

G: Humanity was rife with sin

M: Wonder why? Well, in general this all boils down to the truly golden rule: Do as I say, not as I do.

G: Thou must obey the commandments of the Lord thy God

M: You don't have the greatest track record of taking care of Your followers. Aren't the Jewish your chosen people?

G: Yes

M: Yet, after delivering them from bondage in Egypt, you let them wander in the desert for forty years or so suffering before finally taking them to the "Promised Land."

G: They sinned against me. They committed idolatry. Thou shalt have no God before Me

M: Not before you had them dying of hunger and thirst on a forced death march to nowhere. Maybe they just needed a God that would actually be there for them and look out for their welfare.

G: They killed my son

M: Whom you sent here for that express purpose knowing exactly what would happen.

G: Yes. It was the plan

M: Dude, Your plan kind of sucks. But, let's digress to the free will thing: Omniscience and all that.

G: Yes?

M: Humanity is free to choose, right? Good or evil? Right or wrong? Believe or not? So there's no such thing as fate, predestination?

G: Yes

M: But, since You always knew, from the very beginning of Time, everything that would ever happen - every leaf that would fall from every tree, every tiniest ripple what would mar the surface of the ocean ... Everything is in fact predestined is it not?

G: No

M: Let's agree to disagree.

G: That is your free choice

M: You created mankind in your image, right? Adam, Eve, all that?

G: Yes

M: So no evolution...

G: No

M: So why dinosaur bones? Neanderthal man, fossils...

G: It Is the Plan

M: So Your plan is to place solid, basically irrefutable evidence of evolution, evidence that contradicts Your Word, in our very faces and then punish us for believing what we have concrete evidence of? Wow.

G: You must have faith. I AM THE GREAT I AM

M: So I've heard. I think I'll go talk to someone who's a bit more "I'm Not." Best of luck with your plan. Please extinguish that bush on your way out.

G: Sure