Almond Milk - The Taste of Death

Do you know what I really love?

When people look at me and say

Straight-faced, full of intent

Full of feeling and seriousness

With no sign of a punchline

That they hand on heart believe

Almond milk tastes just as good

Just as nice or even a bit better

Than good old reliable cow's milk

With smugness across their faces

With a nasty funk on their breaths

Like they are the most marvellous

I know some people can't help it

They can't help their aversion

They can't help their allergy

They can't help their intolerance

I am sorry, but I will never agree

But let's be serious. Let's not lie

Almond milk tastes like death juice

Death juice with all the fun removed

You're probably screaming at the screen

What about sweetened or flavoured varieties?

What about them? They are flavoured death

Flavoured death in a (possibly) recycled carton

I love marzipan, frangipane, and Amaretto

Roasted, toasted almonds are delicious

Almond milk, though, deserves the drain

The drain or a fire that boils and burns it

Maybe then it would have some flavour

Maybe then it would not make me want to vomit

I hate even touching almond milk cartons

You can feel the death taste seeping out

You can taste the lack of joy in the air

That thick, creamy texture. Something that normally brings me joy.

With that thick, creamy, nutty, deathly flavour.

I can feel the anger bubbling away as I want to punch the carton and find the person that made the crap in the carton and

(redacted)

Take their almonds away from them and find them a new career

Sweetened almond milk is like death dressed up with no place to go.

It doesn't make it any easier to go down. It doesn't make it nice.

No, I do not want almond milk in my hot drink. Don't even offer it to me.

Take a picture of my face and put it on your coffee shop wall.

Make sure all your staff know and when you are training newbies, tell me.

Put the almond milk down and step away from my hot drink...you clearly should not be allowed to call yourself a barista. Give me my full-fat cow's milk and go and have a little cry in the corner.

Take your soy, hazelnut, oat milk, and stay away from my mug.

Leave the banana milk, though, because yum.

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Thanks for reading!

Part of a challenge between Donna Renee and myself (and anyone else who is game). Check hers out here:

If you want to play along, write a poem (or letter or song or whatever) to your least favorite food. Obviously, I don’t much care for marshmallows. 🫣