A Thousand Lives

I’ve lived a thousand lives

Many truths

But just one lie

The lie of your love

And kindness

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you again

Your highness

For bringing me here

You claim you’re the source of everything I am

But you’re the main source of my tears

Always and forever

For all these years

For all that you’ve “done” for me

Over the years

Was it for me

Or for you to feel guilt-free?

I’ve lived a thousand lives

I’ve slept and wept in thousands of places

A head full of faces

My mind laced with mazes

Of the places I’ve been

The people I’ve seen

The people I’ve been

A different person to everyone I’ve met

All dependent on the time and place

A hero

A disgrace

A friend

A formidable face

A soft gentlemanly fellow

A hollowed out shell from living

This persistent existence of resistance

Always trying to get close to people

But I learned from you to keep my distance

I’ve lived a thousand lives

Mostly alone

Because you turned my heart to stone

And my tongue to steel

You taught me to feel

Nothing but caution and pain

Always on guard

Avoiding the next source of pain

Misery

Despite you

I’m told I’m nice

I hide the pain inside

Honest in all matters

But how I feel

Lonely.

Not the lonely “regular” people feel

The kind of lonely that only one feels

When you’re told how grateful you should be

Always the burden

Despite the paradise and freedom I’ve found

Thoughts of “what if she had left me in the clinic?”, abound

Drenched in self-hatred

For not growing passed the past

Now life is moving too fast

Trying to hold on to all that is sacred

Hoping I can keep what is most important

You’re no longer there

Not that you ever really were

I’m moving on

To a better life

Goodbye

Not that you’ll notice

Thank you for reading my work. If you enjoyed this story, there’s more below. Please hit the like and subscribe button, you can follow me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram @AtomicHistorian, and if you want to help me create more content, please consider leaving a tip or become a pledged subscriber.

More from this author: