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10 Things You Need To Know Before You Even Consider Loving Me

by Emily Caldwell 5 years ago in performance poetry
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A Spoken Word Poem

1. I love cats

If I were an animal, I would be a cat

Adventurous yet lazy

Loving yet independent

I love cats so much that if we are ever to live together you should not be surprised when I bring one home

And I will bring one home

2. I am a box of fireworks waiting for the right moment to explode

Sometimes with joy, all smiles and hugs

Sometimes with sadness, all tears and shrugs

Sometimes with anger, the biggest explosion of all

And I’m sorry to say that you might get burned by the debris that I let fall

3. I cry a lot

When the weather's really cold or that movie was just really sad

When I see an ASPCA commercial or when I’m getting really bad

When I’m happy, I cry

When I am angry, I cry

When I don’t know how to react, I cry

But don’t think that you will see it all because...

4. I hate looking weak

I am a self-destructive hurricane of emotion that only knows how to hide from help

I will put on a smile and tell you I’m fine,

Even though my eyes are bright red and I am dying inside

5. I am broken and terrified by love

Because love means vulnerability

And vulnerability means opening up my heart so you could tear me apart piece by piece if you please

It means I am no longer in control

And that is paralyzingly scary

6. I don’t do second chances

If you hurt me once, I will cut you out of my life like a cancerous tumor

I don’t care if I loved you or if you say you loved me

I don’t care if we were together ten months or ten years

If I break down the wall around my heart for you and you take a piece of it to stab me in the back, I will never be able to love you again

However…

7. I don’t hold hate in my heart

I forgive easily

Sometimes too easily

I will not hate you for screwing me over

I might not speak to you for a while

I might scream at you when you do it

I will even cut you out of my life

But I cannot hate you

Eventually I will speak to you again

I just won’t trust you like I once did

I can’t let you mishandle my heart again

Because it doesn’t take much for it to completely fall apart

And I’ve been holding it together far too long to let you be the one to break it

8. I have a love/hate relationship with my self-image

I have days when I am fearless and confident

Days where nobody could hurt me no matter how hard they tried

Days where no mean comment about my stomach could make me cry

And sometimes these good days bleed into a full good week

But I also have days when even a slight change in tone during a conversation can make me think that you hate me

And why wouldn’t you?

I’m fat

I’m ugly

I am every single horrible name that I have ever been called

If I were you, I would hate me too

Oh, wait

I already do

And sometimes these bad days bleed into a full bad week

9. There are days that I cannot get out of bed

Days where the thought of being around people makes me want to vomit

Days where the idea of even putting on actual clothes can send me into a panic attack

There are days I just want to die

Because then my pain would stop

My heart would stop aching

And I couldn’t disappoint anyone anymore

No more grades that were just not good enough

No more weight that was just too much

No more awful academic attendance

No more “Emily, you can do better than this”

No more

No more

No more

10. I may not love easily, but when I do I love with all of me

I put forth all of myself and all of my effort into loving somebody

I wear my heart on my sleeve

Even though it terrifies me

I write poem after poem about how I feel

Maybe even a song if I am feeling extra adventurous that day

I give every ounce of my being to that person

I am expressive and supportive

I am loving, and I am kind

But most importantly, I am yours

If after all that, you still want to love me

After my bad days and my low self-esteem

After my forgiveness yet lack of second chances

After learning how truly high maintenance I am

Then I applaud you, for I am often too much for even myself to handle

performance poetry

About the author

Emily Caldwell

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