Why External Validation Always Fails

Fulfillment outside of oneself is only temporary. You can be complimented everyday by members of the opposite sex, you can be told constantly how awesome or amazing you are, but if you don’t believe it for yourself, you never truly buy into it.

External validation can feel good in the moment, but how long until that feeling fades? At what point does the last compliment feel empty and useless and you have to earn another? External validation is like a drug that people become addicted to. The basis for this comes down to holding another’s opinion of you above your own. Of course, a compliment feels good and who wouldn’t want to feel good? They feel best when it's something you’re already aware of and someone else recognizes it. That is confidence, that is internal validation. That is the point where you have become totally comfortable and confident in the person that you are.

To dress and act a certain way because that will make people like you or think you’re beautiful, to seek out compliments for a personality trait or physical attribute, is a temporary fix to a permanent problem. The first thing to realize in this situation is that what other people think doesn’t matter. One of the first things I always try to instill when coaching clients is: “What they think doesn’t matter, it’s what you think of yourself that tells them how to feel about you.” Basically, you communicate your feelings about yourself through non-verbal cues and behavior. While this is never spoken about and often not noticed on a conscious level, it is still one of the most influential forms of communication.

Learning to approve of yourself is one of the most difficult tasks you will embark on, however, it is the first big step and one of the most important things you can do in terms of your own personal development. Confidence is key and the only way to have true confidence in yourself is to know yourself better than anyone else. Learning to be completely comfortable with who you are now is the best gift you can give to you. Realizing that it’s ok that you haven’t gotten to your ideal weight yet, it’s ok that you haven’t excelled at your job the way you had hoped. You don’t have to be perfect, not by any means. Life is about learning, growth, and evolution. Now understand, I am not saying to just accept these things as a fact of life. No, you can still work towards your goals and ideal self while being comfortable and confident in who you are now. You are creating the best version of yourself. The reality in this is that nobody else can do it for you. This will be an intensely intimate and personal job. You will need to search tirelessly inside yourself to discover all the little hidden aspects, feelings, and behaviors. You will need to learn to fall in love with yourself the way you have fallen in love with so many others. This is the time to be selfish and put yourself above all else. It is when you do this that you actually become more available to those you love. When you have taken the time to deal with who you are and begin working towards who you want to be, you open up an entire world of abundance. You no longer do things as a way of gaining someone’s approval or acceptance, you do it out of the joy of helping another human on this road called life. It becomes a selfless act because there is nothing you need or seek from this interaction.

It is true that your closest friends and people who know you best can assist in this endeavor by helping you recognize specific things in your life. You can benefit from your loved ones if they are open and honest about your behaviors and interactions. The simple fact of this whole article is that any fulfillment you achieve from outside of yourself is only temporary at best. Learning to seek your own personal fulfillment, learning to validate yourself and be happy with who you are, to have a loving regard for yourself, are truly the keys to personal happiness. Nobody can give this to you because you have to learn to give it to yourself.

External validation doesn’t end with seeking compliments or respect from someone or something outside of yourself either. There are people who enter entire relationships in order to make themselves feel fulfilled. Are you one of these people?

Do you believe that you just need to find the right person and things will get better? Do you seek out of the love of another to try to fix what the last lover broke? Do you think to yourself, “I just need someone to show me that it’s ok to love again?” “If someone could just show me that I am worthy and deserving of love.” NO, NO, FUCKING NO!!! This is where I get a little harsh! Nobody else can fix you, nobody else can show you anything about yourself that you don’t see first. Nobody's love is going to stitch up the hole in the middle of your chest where your heart was ripped out! And fuck you for thinking this is someone else’s job! You are not incapable of doing this yourself and the fucking audacity that you would ask another person to fix what they didn’t break! In the real world, these are called jobs. If you punch a hole in your wall and you patch up like new, then you have repaired your mistake. If someone else punches a hole in your wall and you repair it, that’s great, it’s your fucking house and you should kick out the douche punching holes and handle the situation. If you call someone else in to fix the hole in the wall, you must pay them for their service; it requires a skill and that person has become skilled at repairing holes. You pay them for their work. Now with this being said, why in the fuck would you expect someone else to come into your life and repair what someone else broke for free??? What are they supposed to do, love you back to being whole? That’s not how this works! That’s not how any of this works. That mindset is what creates codependency and the constant need for another’s validation. If you have a hole in your wall and you don’t want anyone to see it, you don’t invite people over for a while. You stay home and learn how to repair the damage yourself. Why would repairing emotional holes, wounds, or scars be any different? Get off your ass spend some time by yourself and learn to heal your goddamned self! Read learn and educate yourself on how to do this. Spend the time getting to know yourself, keep people out of your house for a little bit while you learn to get your shit together. Stop thinking it's someone else’s job to fix the broken parts of you.

If there’s something inside of you that feels broken, then go spend the time to work it out, go see someone, talk to a counselor, hire a coach, if you need help getting started, or recognizing things about yourself. It's ok to seek out help. Seek out professionals who deal with these kinds of things on the regular. Pay them for their service. When you enlist a professional, you get to keep the attention solely on yourself. You have hired them for a job, and that job is to help point you in the right direction so that you can make the changes you need to live as the best possible version of yourself!

Healthy people are not attracted to unhealthy people, and vice versa. To seek out love or a partner to help you to heal your wounds is only attracting someone who's infinitely as fucked up as you are. No healthy, good person will want to undertake such a momentous task. Do it for yourself and when you're healed and healthy, you can move back out into the romantic world. Then, and only then, will you find someone who compliments you in healthy ways, who has something to offer that will increase the value in both of your lives; and in turn, you will be able to do the same!!

How does this make you feel? Did this article strike a chord or upset you? Did you want to start yelling at the author as you were reading? Well, remember to share because someone you know may need to awaken with these words!!!!