Why Being “The Popular Girl” or “Pretty Girl” is a lonely place.

I used to want to be one of those girls who every guy would flock over when she entered a room. I wanted to be and feel beautiful. I wanted to be that girl with the amazing hair, great smile, beautiful eyes and fabulous style. Then. I. Became. Her.

You see, I didn’t become her on purpose. It just sort of happened. And now that I’ve become her, I realize it’s a place of stature that no woman ever truly wants to be in. Yeah it may be “fun” at times but at the end of the day, it’s a lonely place to be. It ruins you. It ruins your reputation. It ruins friendships and relationships. It ruins things that have potential to be great. It causes unneeded and unnecessary conflict...and honestly, it sucks!

I became that girl just this year, within the last 6 months actually. I finally chose to be happy and it showed outwardly. I rid my life of toxins, so many toxic relationships and it was liberating. Freeing.

So, that inward happiness began to appear outwardly and people noticed. Men and women. At first it was flattering, so many compliments and it felt nice. But after awhile it got old, it was repetitive and it lost its value. “You look great! You’ve lost so much weight” quickly turned into mainly men hitting on me....but for the wrong reasons. You’d think I could have my choice of who, but really I don’t.

Let’s talk about the lonely part of this all. The popular girl in me is social and outgoing, energetic and friendly, always the life of a party...but then I go home, to an empty house. Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love making people smile and it’s my goal in life to 1. Make at least one person smile a day and 2. Leave an impression on every person I meet. But that takes a toll. It’s hard to feel like that’s a daily expectation that people have of me - be happy, be pretty and always on point...but while I'm busy making everyone else around me happy, I'm forgetting about myself. I'm forgetting the most important person in my life; because if I'm not happy (and healthy) by myself, then I'm no good to my children, my family, my friends, my job... it's a downward spiral! Trust me, I've hit that spiral multiple times, and multiple times I've told myself I'm on the up and up, when in fact I wasn't. I was deceiving only myself in the long wrong.

So, what have I realized in all of this?

Now as we end 2019, with only three days left until a new year begins,

I need to once and for all rid my mind of all insecurities.

I need to understand that I deserve the best, for my children and myself.

I need to put me first and focus on the important things in life.

I need to no longer allow myself to let negative energies into my positive space.

I need to pause more before I react.

I need to listen closely and truly hear.

I need to be less selfish in some situations...but be more selfish in others.

I need to value friendships and know which ones are real.

I need to remember where I came from and how it feels to be “that girl” and take those experiences and make 2020 the year of me...because in this moment in time, I’m still that social butterfly but always feels lonely in a crowded room.