What 2019 taught me...

I know exactly what you’re thinking...another basic white girl blogging about how she’s going into the new year making all these changes and will “find herself” and get fit, bleh bleh bleh... I totally get it! I would think the exact same things, if I wasn’t the one writing.

I’m going to tell you what makes me your ”not-so-basic” white girl (besides the fact that I hate all things pumpkin spice flavored and Starbucks)!

I’m not one who sets New Years resolutions.

I’m not one to set goals that I’ll actually attempt to achieve, period! I’m quite lazy if I’m being honest. I’ve spent the last year posting all about positivity and being happy. And I’ve somewhat attempted to do those things, well if I’m honest, half-assed it. Ok let’s be completely real, we all post motivational quotes and inspirational writings, in an attempt to be just that, but do we really live that way? Nope! We aspire to be light and positivity, but are we? I can say I honestly try and spread joy and happiness to those I meet. The majority of social media is so fake, so dramatic and simply entertainment anymore! That’s one of the reasons why I started writing publicly. This is me keeping it real, being raw and showing my flaws, being vulnerable. This is me admitting my wrongs and sharing my dreams. This is my place to heal and put me first. It’s rather simple really. And even though it’s a new journey for me, it’s helping me heal.

So enough rambling...what did I learn as 2019 ended that I’m carrying with me into the new decade? Let’s break it down...

I learned a lot about me this entire year. Especially the last several months of the year...even in the last few days of the decade, I learned so much about me. But what I mainly learned more than anything in 2019, because I started the year and ended the decade trying to save people was just that - I cannot save anyone.

It’s as simple as that. People cannot be saved unless they want to be! And no I’m not referring to “being saved” in a religious context, but since we’re going there, same concept applies...

I cannot save an alcoholic from themself.

I cannot make a parent be more present in their child’s life.

I cannot make someone change a career they know is destroying them.

I cannot make someone have a better work ethic.

I cannot make someone stop using and abusing those who care about them, for their own selfish gain.

I cannot make anyone keep their promises.

I cannot change anyone! I cannot walk on water so I certainly cannot save anyone.

I attempted to do all of that in 2019. Even up until the last moments. And in that moment as one decade rolled over to the next, it all just clicked!

And I’m not going to go into details about the scenarios of each situation, I feel like they speak for themselves, but know that you can only save you. (Again, not speaking religiously here).

We meet so many people in our lifetime. So many of them are put into our lives for a reason. And when I think back on what I experienced and witnessed in 2019, I realize in my many years of trying to save others around me, I failed to save the person who matters the most - me! And in that, I now having to save myself from an even deeper place.

I have witnessed so many bad things trying to save others. I’m a genuine and caring person, but I failed to be genuine and caring to myself.

So as I journey into this new decade making so many discoveries and having so many things become clear, I’m going to save myself. I’m going to make my mental health a priority, as everyone should! Writing is even a way to help with mental health and it’s helped me so many times! I’m going to focus on my health and happiness and the same for my children. They need a mom who doesn’t need to have to feel like she needs to save herself. They deserve all of me. Present with them and making memories.