My rapid weight loss fueled by anxiety and self-hate

I hadn’t worn shorts in years...many many years, like 20 years!! I’ve always hated my body, even in high school. Yeah yeah yeah, I’ve had a singleton and a triplet pregnancy, but that wasn’t any excuse. In the before photo, I weighed 228 lbs and wore a size 18. As of this morning, I’m 159 lbs and a size 8 - that’s a 69 lb weightless! (I’ve lost more since this photo, 1 more pant size). Want to know how I did it?! I’m about to tell ya...

Well, I finally officially ended that toxic relationship early in the year after six months of trying. So of course, since I felt free and like me again, no longer trapped in a relationship that left me drained and self-loathing, I started to smile again. My personality started to shine again and I was that outgoing and energetic girl that everyone had missed and loved! I spent a few months being me, going out with friends and such, just trying to have fun. But the things I was doing wasn’t exactly fun...I was looking for ways to feel loved and appreciated and valued, but looking in all the wrong places. I became someone I wasn’t proud of and I hated myself for it. I became two people - Cari by day and Carime by night. A select few people will understand that...and that’s all that matters...

I was drinking a lot, a whole lot. Of course I was drinking because I was surrounding myself with people who drank and partied and lived it up! I was putting myself in positions that as a 36 year old mother with a stable career, shouldn’t be putting herself in. I certainly didn’t have my priorities in line or even cared what my consequences may be of my actions at the time.

June 28, 2019 was the last day I can remember where I had a full days meal. I’m pretty sure something emotional happened that night, looking back I cannot tell you what exactly it was (I can, but I’m choosing not to) that caused that emotion but it did. I didn’t think anything of it until my sister came over a day or two later and I realized I hadn’t eaten. I’m an eater. I always have been. I could devour a large Larosa’s pizza (shoutout to my hometown of Cincinnati) in one sitting! So a day or two of no food become a week or two. I made sure I had my frozen coffee every day but other than that, I didn’t think anything of eating, just went about my days. A week or two turned into a few months. I would try to eat but couldn’t keep solid food down. I could keep down alcohol though!

After too many mornings of dry heaving or vomiting, with no chance of being pregnant, I finally went to see my primary care doctor and had some tests ran. We tested all sorts of things and even tested for a gluten allergy - I was healthy. Physically at least. By the end of the appointment, she had recommended counseling and prescribed me an anxiety medication. I’d seen counselors in the past and the one I love so much and is so amazing, is across town and too expensive, so I’m on the hunt for someone just as amazing.

I’ve been on this medication for a few months now and it’s been helping a lot. I still need to seek counseling so I have someone professionally to speak with about my life, that has an outward perspective and unbiased opinion. Mental health is so important. We must all take care of ourselves.

I must say it feels good to no longer cry every day or have anxiety attacks.

It feels good to be able to take care of my children without having an anxiety attack.

It feels good to not question you’re worth.

It feels good to not look around the room and wonder who is pretending to like you.

It feels good not having as much (because it’s still a daily struggle) unneeded anxiety and overthinking. I’m a Cancer, we overthink every.little.thing! And I’m a prime example that it causes health problems! I am blessed that I didn’t have any serious medical issues after these last several months. I am still on the journey to find me and become completely healthy.

Now that I’m writing publicly and finally meeting goals I’ve set, my next goal is to be physically fit. I’ve started eating again, not as I should be, baby steps, but I am eating. I have so many great people around me making sure of it. And of course I’m still having my frozen coffees. I’ve maintained my weight for about a month so I think I’m good now to start building muscle, although my lazy ass should have done that months ago!

The point is this, don’t let your emotions be validated by how someone made you feel.

Don’t let other people get you down so low that you let it have a negative and unhealthy impact.

Don’t seek validation from anyone, especially about how you look.

And if you ever find yourself in a position like me, I hope you can turn it into a positive.

I hope it makes you think more clearly and value your own importance.

I hope it makes you realize that beauty isn’t measured by what’s on the outside.

I hope you seek the help you need.

Most importantly, I hope you never experience any of this at all.