What I Wish I Would Have Known...

What I Wish I Had Known About My Mother

What I wish I had known, as a child is that untreated trauma causes people to stop developing certain aspects of their brain. It affects the way you interact with others, your self-esteem and can inhibit your ability to love.

I wish I had known that my mother’s inability to love me in the ways I needed was a reflection of her being unable to love herself. The traumas she lived through caused her to function in a way where she needed to protect herself and felt everyone was going to harm her.

As a child, I was filled with so much love and affection. I was constantly trying to hug and kiss her and show her that to me she was incredible. She always pushed this affection away and told me I was annoying; I internalized this and it manifested as struggling to show affection in adulthood.

It became a reflection in my relationship with my first-born son. He like me as a child has so much love and affection to give; he is constantly hugging, kissing or declaring his love for me. Before I began to treat my trauma, I mimicked the sentiments of my mother and struggled to give him the love he needed from me.

I learned through therapy and meditation that my mother was battling her own inner struggles of self-love and vulnerability. Her childhood taught her that she could not be vulnerable and needed to protect herself. I wish I had known that the love I tried to give her was something she couldn’t find within and was unready to receive. It never a representation nor a reflection of any part of me.

Learning this about her has enabled me to reflect and heal what I had internalized, and in turn helped heal my relationship with my son. Now, we hug and kiss each other every day and spend the first five minutes of each morning cuddled together in love.

In my mother's death and in the process of healing I learned more about my mother than I had ever known. I have the deepest compassion for her and the journey she had in this life. I have forgiven her in many ways and apologized for not realizing that she loved me in the best way she could. I am closer to her now than I have ever been . I have such a deep gratitude in my heart for this understanding, and pray for her spirits elevation.

What I wish I Had Known About My Father

What I wish I had known, as a child is that addiction can sometimes become a response to dealing with the traumas of your life. You can become so engrossed with the way that something makes you feel (or not feel) that you begin to chase it and forget to look at the things around you.

My father struggled with addiction in many ways (women, drugs, alcohol) and due to this addiction, he was not present in my life in the ways he could have been. I internalized this as abandonment and spent years convincing myself that I didn’t need him.

My trauma and my mother’s trauma had taught me that men would only hurt you; women needed to be independent and depend on no one. This internalized abandonment would reflect in all of my relationships with men; I would always leave them before they had the chance to leave me and I would struggle to ask for help because I was convinced I didn’t need any.

My father’s life at the time was always a reflection of his untreated addictions and trauma. These things did not allow him to be present and his actions were not a reflection of my worth or men as a whole.

I forgive him for who he couldn’t be in my life. I am sorry for all the times he reached out to apologize and my internalized anger pushed him away. I no longer allow that hurt to make decisions for me, and see that we are all reflections of how we feel inside.

I recently have forgiven him and have allowed for him to forgive himself for all of the things that never were. I am allowing him to be present in my life and give me the love that I longed for as a child and I in turn give him the love of a daughter that he has prayed for.

It was exhausting to hold onto the anger and resentment I had internalized for him. Now in him I find a comfort and love that I never realized I needed. I am learning about his life, family, and the ways he knew my mother. I am in gratitude for the opportunity.

What I Wish I Had Known About Me

Growing up I had always prided myself on being able to "read a room" and feel other people’s emotions (while I am empathic I realize now that this was something different.) Being able to do so made me feel as if I had connections to certain people and created trauma bonds.

What I wish I had known back then was that this was a trauma response; I needed to be able to read the room and people in order to protect myself. This was something I learned to do as a child because the untreated trauma and mental illness of those around me would reflect itself in bouts of rage, anger and hurtfulness. While living in this space I became the nurturer and took on the responsibility of taking care of everyone to some extent with the exception of ME.

I wish I had known that the depression I experienced most of my life wasn’t a reflection of being weak or lazy, instead it was a part of me that needed help and healing. The low self esteem that was embedded in me was a reflection of internalized trauma and feelings of unworthiness.

It was courageous and vulnerable to seek help and understand that I couldn’t get past this alone. Growing up I was taught that taking medication and/or seeking therapy was something to be ashamed of. "YOU NEED TO suck it up and be strong” was probably the most toxic thing I had ever been told/taught and an extremely unhealthy way of coping.

I am so proud of myself for seeking the help I needed, allowing myself to open up, be vulnerable and start the healing process. I have learned that I get to decide what I keep with me and that none of the things I have been through get to define me.

In all of this, the biggest thing I wish I had taken the time to know was ME. The ME that I am authentically, the Me that is able to love unconditionally, and the ME that is worthy of a beautiful life and abundance.

What I wish I had known as a child, is that life does get better and one day I get to become a person who can look back at all of these things and see that they do not define my life. I get to become a person who sees that they are worthy of all of the blessings in life. I get to become a person who helps others heal by sharing their story and spread the energy of love.