The Importance of Mental Health

How has mental health effected my life?

Mental health issues have been consistent in every aspect of my life from the day I was born. I grew up in a Hispanic household where mental health was never discussed; if you were depressed and couldn't get out of bed you were being lazy.

I was raised by a mother who was a victim of molestation as a child and never received treatment for her wounds. My mother always had a resentment for men and instilled in me from a young age that most men if not all were out to hurt me. Throughout my childhood if ever showed affection towards a male I was shamed and accused of inviting them to molest me.

I recently had the realization I was carrying my mothers trauma. It manifested in my relationships and my self worth became a reflection of what I was taught was the only thing men wanted (sex.)

With internalized generational trauma inevitably comes depression. I honestly can't remember a point in my life where I didn't feel depressed. As a teenager (in secret) I contemplated suicide more times than I can count. When I took the chance to confide in my family I was told that I needed to suck it up because I was choosing to feel that way, and was being weak. I thought to myself "why would I choose to feel this way?" Feeling like I had no other option I "sucked it up" and stuffed it down inside.

When my mother passed away it turned me cold and it was like I had become a zombie. I had recently gave birth to my oldest son and had perfected looking like I was ok on the outside. I concentrated on work and raising my son. I neglected myself because I felt like it was the only way to survive. On the outside it looked like I had it all together and inside I was falling apart.

6 years later I had another child and was diagnosed with postpartum depression. The feelings of worthlessness tripled and there were nights where I would lay in bed and cry because I knew something "felt off". I knew that I needed help, I knew that I needed to heal. I took another chance and confided in a friend. She in turn told me of all the reasons why my boys were lucky to have me as a mother. I kept these words inside of me and used them as a source of strength.

This thought was the push I needed to seek treatment; I started seeing a psychiatrist and was prescribed medication and shortly after I started counseling. When going into counseling I promised myself that I would allow myself to be vulnerable. I would allow myself to trust that I was in a safe space to share what I was feeling inside. For seven months I utilized medication to help create the needed chemicals to make me feel "more like myself". Soon I felt strong enough to get off of the medication and continued therapy weekly.

In allowing myself to be vulnerable and talking to my therapist about the things I had stuffed inside, I felt a sense of freedom. I was calling my energy and power back into myself and taking control of my life. I wrote letters (that I later burned) to the people that had hurt me and let out the feelings I had been holding inside. I started journaling to give myself an outlet to pour out the emotions that were hiding at the surface.

More recently I've taken on meditating twice a day in order to reflect and process on how I'm feeling inside. I've become more mindful of the energy I feed myself and have stopped drinking. Alcohol has always been a outlet I used to numb myself, but always turned me into a person I didn't like. I've changed the music I listen to and the ways I refer to myself. An example of this would be instead of calling myself a mess, I say that I'm a work in progress.

I can honestly say that seeking treatment gave me the opportunity to take control of my life. Mentally/emotionally I am the healthiest I have ever been. In all of this I've learned that I get to choose what I carry with me, the trauma that I carried doesn't define me. I am learning who I am and who I want to be.

I choose to heal my trauma and generational wounds. I get to choose the person I am and work on who I will become. Instead of believing that everything is "being done to me", I now see that everyone has their own journey and we are all in different places. The things that I have been through have allowed me to become this person, this being that I am so proud to be.

The energy that you feel within yourself will be the energy you give to others and the energy that is drawn to you. May that energy always be love; the world is so abundant in love.