The Raging Bull
Grab it by the Horns
This is the perfect community for me because I’ve journaled all my life: since I was 15 years old. I remember sitting in government class writing in my journal, although, at the time I pretended to take notes as the teacher lectured about the judicial system which at the age of 17 I hadn’t much interest in. I got a C in that class.
Writing has and always will be my escape from the turbulence around me. It helps me order my thoughts and find balance within myself. As I write these words now, I feel that old familiar heartfelt feeling of “rightness” in my chest. This is what I should be doing. I may never become an amazing, published author but I love to write.
This is my preparation for giving you, the reader, my all: heart and soul on paper, typed without a script. I write to you, and I write to myself as I look for balance, understanding and clarification.
My journals are chocked full of questions about what my life is about? Why did I make certain choices in my life which brought me such heartache and confusion? Where the hell; was my Guardian Angel when I needed him or her? Do they exist?
Haven’t we all heard that God, the Universe or whom you believe in will guide you on your correct path? Here’s something to think about. How about listening to yourself instead of relying on angels to swoop down from the heavens and save the day? I need to believe in myself more.
You see I’ve allowed myself to remain oppressed and subdued most of my adult life because I was afraid someone very dear to me would chastise and judge me, or even worse, what would they think of me? I was afraid of his anger so keeping the peace seemed the easiest route to go even if it meant compromising my dreams, my happiness and myself.
This has continued for many years and within the past 5 or so years, I can finally see what our relationship is truly about.
Here’s the game changer. When I’m not around this person, I never feel completely drained of energy. I don’t pretend or hide who I am. I’m confident with a healthy sense of self-esteem. Life flows and I flow with it. There’s no constrictive force holding me down. I’m free to be me.
The hardest part now is what I should do about it. Do I take the raging bull by the horns? This part truly scares me. What would my life be like afterwards? What would change?
Yesterday, I bought a dress. I love dresses and haven’t worn one in 15 years because I’m ridiculed if it doesn’t look right in someone else’s eyes. My fault again. If I feel comfortable in the dress so what? Who cares what other people think?
Unfortunately, life doesn’t come with a “How To” manual. It’s more like “Find Your Path, Good Luck” the best way you can. Hopefully, we always make good choices for ourselves. We’re human and this isn’t always the perfect scenario, but we keep trying. We hope. We pray. We strive towards our dreams, and we keep going.
In ending my lovely rant, I wanted to say, if you love what you do, then do it. Remain true to yourself and you will always come out on top. As I have done for so many years never let anyone knock you down or compromise your happiness.
I’m ready to go into that awful place of uncertainty as I prepare to gab the raging bull by the horns. Wish me the best of luck. Coming from a person who doesn’t like confrontations, this is a touchy one! Thank you!
About the Creator
Caroline-StoryGirlCA
Hi there! I’m a fiction writer. Written all my life. Want to inspire if I can. Living on a guest horse ranch in Baja California, Mexico. Married to a Mexican Cowboy!
Website: carolineaguiarauthor.com
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