The Month I Analyzed Everything.

Dear reader,

I write to you today with another letter of progress in my self-improvement journey. Last month was when I decided to embark on this adventure, and it was my first time recording/reporting my progress in such a formal (and public!) manner. I am relieved to see I've managed to stick to it, as I hope are you. When it comes to April, it was an easier month than last, but I will admit it came with its own new set of difficulties. This month I was faced with the challenge of acceptance, be it with myself or the world around me - and, surprise, surprise, it was all triggered by my (now) ex.

Disclaimer: There is no hate towards him, rather I am grateful he was such a powerful catalyst in my diving deeper into my sub-conscience. But I digress.

This month I came to experience time and time again that I simply had no choice but to surrender completely to my situation and release any sort of attachment to ego-based thinking. While that may sound confusing to some, it really just means that I shifted my thoughts so I would no longer see myself as a victim of any person, situation, or thing. If you couldn't tell already, romantically, my life has been in a bit of turmoil for the past six months: briefly speaking I jumped into a relationship when I was just not ready for one. I thought I was, but I soon came to realize how much I had been hiding from my own self and how that fact came to affect the relationship I was in. Hear me out.

Throughout the course of the relationship, I noticed I went from being content within myself to suddenly being triggered by everything my partner either said or did. Through carefully detaching my "self" from the situation and observing what these triggers were, I came to understand that at the end of the day I still did not love myself. Once I dove into the observation further in meditation, I realized I had in fact been traveling down a path of being okay with the idea of being by myself. Chew on that one, right?

Loving and accepting yourself is very different than settling for being "forever alone", to say the least, and certainly the latter is not a mindset you would like to possess when deciding to accept another person into your life in such an intimate way. In fact, I can tell you I did often find myself to be alone or feeling "lonely" when I was still with this ex. I had to face some pretty tough thoughts: "If I keep criticizing my appearance, am I really okay with how I look?", "Have I really accepted myself?", "I feel like I need to change my personality to suit this other person, and I do change, but they still don't seem to want to do anything for me. Is this healthy?", "Is it selfish to want to receive as a giving person?", and finally, "My thoughts race all day long even though I meditate... why?".

Let go.

I'm realizing more and more exactly what that means as the month of May is progressing - to "let go"? But in April I was struggling to let go of this person I had so strongly attached myself to. I didn't realize how co-dependent I was. I truly thought that I was a strong, independent young woman, but this connection had pulled that mask right off as if I were the villain in a Scooby-Doo episode! How come I felt like I needed this person to pay so much attention to me? Why did I need their validation? Why did I feel like this person was so special and I had already planned out our future in my mind? Well, we can't control the future, little to my surprise.

Let go.

If one person can shake up your world so heavily and test the strength of the foundation you've built for yourself to where it breaks, then you cannot question that person. You must instead question upon what you have built your foundation, and that's really where I was in April... in that energy, I mean. I mentioned in the video (linked) that I was working on meditating more and being more active. I also mentioned how I started fixing my posture, and that I made it through multiple breakdowns. I did all of these things because I wanted to build a firmer foundation for myself so that I may be able to stand firmly in myself and my power. It is never easy when the tower falls. If you're into tarot at all, you will understand. It is easy to blame another person for their actions towards you, but what if it really wasn't their fault?

There is a stark difference between looking to blame a person/place/thing, and assigning the blame to no one or no "thing". Remaining objective is a skill I would invite everyone to practice regularly, for it takes your "self" out of the situation and replaces it with a sense of compassion for the different parties involved. Each person walking this Earth today experiences the world according to how they see it and what they know it to be. If two people were to look at the same painting, they would walk away with two different interpretations of the piece - and the artist probably had some other intention with their work altogether anyway! It wouldn't make sense to argue over which perspective is right.

Let go.

I guess I wrote all of this just to say that April was pretty rough, but it does look like the sun is coming out. From where I'm standing - well, sitting... and lying down, this took a while to write - May is a much better month and I feel more connected to my soul than ever. Luckily, this also means I am living a more confident life where I can be more aligned with my true self and what sets my soul ablaze. Speaking of, thank you so much for reading my words if you've made it this far. Writing has always been the dearest form of communication for me, it allows me time to process what I want to say (or even feel), and I just express myself a lot more easily this way.

I can't wait to bring you my next report and I hope you, too, can let go. You will find it brings you great peace.

With Love,

Sincerely,

- Hannah.