The Day I Lost My Smile

I never liked my smile, whenever I took pictures or selfies on vacations, I never really liked what I saw. I would take a few trying to get it to look… right. I just never liked it, until I lost it.

It started with a tingling sensation in my left cheek, that ran up into my eye, it was random, not continual, it would just be there and then not. I had a tooth on that side that had always given me trouble, so I went to my dentist and explained what I was feeling. She checked it out, replaced the old filling, and said to let her know if it continued.

A few months later the tingling returned, more frequently, so back to the dentist I went.

She tried a few more things and declared that the tooth would need a root canal. Yay… She gave me the name of a dentist and I set the appointment for the following week.

When I arrived at the dental office, the dentist looked at the x-ray and decided to take another one to “check on something”. He then pronounced that the tooth was not worth doing a root canal on and should be pulled. It was a back tooth so it would not be an issue. Of course, he could not do it, since he specialized in root canals, and my regular dentist would not pull one with the issues mine had. I asked him if this could be the cause of the “tingling sensation”, which was the real issue with all of this. He said it might be, it was close to the sinuses and could be irritating them.

Not a real answer…

So, I was sent to yet another dental office who told me they could not see me for three weeks, and that was just for a consultation. Feeling I had no options I made the appointment, explaining the concern about the tooth, and the tingling sensation. They said they would make a note about the concern.

What does this all have to do with losing my smile? Well, that part is coming.

A week later the tingling sensation returned, more frequently and with more intensity. I called my dentist and said I needed to get in to see someone sooner and asked for a recommendation. I was able to get one with a different dental office for the following week. I felt frustrated but at least it was a real appointment to get the dang thing pulled and hopefully stop the tingling up into my eye, which was causing tension headaches making it hard to work.

The following Monday was President’s day. Three days before my appointment.

I woke up feeling strange, the tingling was persistent and did not fade away like normal. As the day progressed my eye dried out and the left side of my mouth became numb. Since it was a holiday there was no one at the dental office, and even after leaving a voicemail on the answering service, no one returned the call. I still attributed the sensation to my tooth, and neither of the dentists I had seen so far had suggested anything else, so I never considered seeing a doctor or going to the emergency room. By the end of the day, the left side of my face was slack, and my eye would not close.

The first thing the next morning I called the dental office and asked to be seen as soon as possible. I explained what happened and they were able to get me in that morning. I drove there, which probably was not the best idea, but I was still thinking, “pull the tooth, and all will be well”.

I sat in the dental chair, the dental assistant did all her prep work, being kind and friendly like they do, and then I waited for the dentist. When he entered the room, he took one look and said, “It looks like you have some Bell’s Palsy going on”.

I had no idea what Bell’s Palsy was, did it have something to do with my tooth?

He explained briefly that it was a virus that attacks the nerves in the face. He told me it may or may not reverse, and that if it had been caught sooner there were some antibiotics that might have prevented it. He then left to prepare to remove the tooth. I remember taking out my cell phone and typing in the term “Bells Palsy”, I read what little I could find in that short time, nothing was very reassuring. “Rare”. “Paralyzed facial muscles”, “six to nine months”, “may not reverse”.

Needless to say, the tooth was pulled, and “all was not well.”

I woke the next day to see a stranger in the mirror. The left side of her face was slack and puffy, the left corner of her mouth dragging down, her left eye stuck in an open stare. I did not know her, her eyes did not sparkle, and her smile, the one I did not like, well it was gone, warped into something that seemed…ugly. I cried a lot that first week, and into the next few weeks, although the tears became less frequent.

My sister, who sees things very differently than me, told me there is beauty in what she sees in my face. I would like to believe that, but it is hard when I look in the mirror every day and see a stranger.

The uncertainty of ever seeing myself in the mirror again was frightening and with each day discouraging. I felt nothing on the left side of my face, no tears flowed from that eye, no dimple, no lines across my forehead. I missed my lines, it looked so odd to see them only on the right side. I started acupuncture and several holistic approaches to accelerate the healing process, I soon came to realize that they were helpful, but time was what was needed, time, patience, and faith.

I am now three months into this journey. My smile is still lost, but I can see signs, small though they may be that it is still in there. If it returns, I am not sure it will be the one that I lost. At this point I am not sure that matters anymore, the stranger I see has become a friend of sorts, we are sharing the pain of discovery as nerves reawaken, as an ear receives sound, as an eye creates moisture. We are walking that path together and connecting in a deeper way. When all is said and done I hope I never forget her, and that I learn to love whatever smile she leaves me with.