The Competition

there are so many key words, sentences. some not connected jumping from one to the other in an unrested momentum. one trying to be bolder than the other, to be noticed. in between of consciousness and the dream world, the competition between them gets fiercer. so loud and clear. some shying away or being shut down. muffled and fading away in one corner.

“fret not. I may not win today but there is always tomorrow”, they said.

so the competition goes on and on, day after day, minute after minute. the host gets the winning seat at times. successfully putting them back to their cages but then somehow, they breakout. if not today then tomorrow.

who will be the winner?

darkness. it sweeps in unannounced and put everyone to rest.

“be quiet..’ it says. and then the slumber takes over. the competitors get their well deserved rest. do they deserved it though? or the darkness’ main concern is actually the host?

It is a little ironic if I were to think about it. I was talking about my inability to form words and here I am, typing as I sit on my chair; a little uncomfortable kind of stool, but it gives me a little sense of motivation. I woke up today with sunrise slowly lighting up in my face and realised it is indeed another beautiful start of the day despite the horrible feeling of anxiety I was feeling during the night. It's either that or a feeling of numbness where I go staring out my window aimlessly. Days passed just like that.

It has been 11 days exactly since I received the email saying my story can't be published due to insufficient words count. Yet, I couldn't muster up motivation that is enough for me to open up my laptop to write. The mind is just like an empty piece of paper. What happened today was I saw a new video uploaded by a Youtuber whom I followed. She talked about her feelings during these trying period and quarantining by herself and somehow that gives me a little push to charge my laptop that had lay abandoned. So here I am updating my story that I didn't even realised requires a minimum words count of 600.

Like I'd mentioned I have so much thoughts in my head and yet it is so difficult to make sense out of them. It felt like I had not only abandoned my laptop but my brain as well. As I sit in a muddled state, I came to a realisation (somehow) that I get so tired cause my brain never shuts which include moments of when I'm asleep. Over time I just slowly give it a break with my own way by refusing to engage in any activities that requires me to think. When I start thinking, it over does it and the anxious state kicks in. I get palpitations, stomachaches and all kinds of discomfort that I just can't handle. I don't know how the others feel but that is the state that I am in. With the MCO in place it got a little worst than before. Looking back I had an idea on how it all started. The state of uncertainties and lack of communications and changes that took place just got me spiraling downwards. That being said, this is just an extended branch of what the entire situation is. As time passes, it seeps itself into the other part of myself. They evolves and grow but not in a good way. They grow and I don't. I remain stagnant and more so keep burying myself with self pity. It is an easy way out.

Honestly, these feelings feel like parasites. I actually see them as Dementors. They are not going to leave you till they suck you dry. Or are they not? Am I just making excuses for myself cause as I mentioned self pity is so much easier then picking myself up. No. No one can help me. It's me against myself, literally. No one sees the battle that I am facing everyday sometimes every minute. I am good enough to keep a mask on. With the necessity of a face mask against coronavirus, it is even more of a shield for me to hide all that I am feeling.

When I can write, I am still giving myself an easy way out. Lazy me. I do not have a structure of a rough outline of what comes first, what is next or a climax. I write as I go. I wonder if this will get approved.

I did a word count a few seconds ago and guess what? 770 words. Where did they come from? Maybe I should stop now and let them flow to the 2nd unapproved story for the same reason. Or maybe, just maybe, I should keep it for tomorrow. Brain is starting to feel a little tired.

Oh as random as this can be. I did say earlier I'm a little motivated than usual didn't I? So I texted my friend to go out for coffee and get my light fix. That happened in a spur of a moment and 30 minutes later, I'm starting to regret it. Here, that's the thing; when I meet people I get tired socialising fairly quickly. If I stay cooped up in the four walls, I sometimes suffocate. What do I want?

Oh I know. Exactly this moment when I am typing these out, I want a hug from a certain someone who is so near yet so far. I thought people are complicating but looking in the mirror, so am I. Adding on, I am also a mess.

So the moment I click to resubmit this, the anxious feeling revisits of waiting to see if this will actually get an approval.

If it does dear readers, welcome to my very messed up mind. I mostly write things like this. I'll try to spice things up in the future but I am a pretty lame person. Also, this is starting to feel like my personal journal. If you don't mind then, till next time. Stay safe and be kind.

It's me,

J.