A penny for your thoughts?

words used to come easy but over the years they don't anymore. I feel empty and neglected. one of the things that i thought i was good at and it does not seem to be that way anymore.

have you ever wondered what happened to all the words that was once readily able to string themselves into sentences that make sense? they seem to have lost their connecting touches and none cares for the others anymore, mere strangers who could not get along.

at the end of the day, the meanings got lost in a clutter of messed up individual words. so i ended up in silence yet it is so loud inside my head. there are voices that are screaming at the top of their lungs, trying to be heard, to be noticed. i ignore them all. why not? they as their individual selves don't mean anything right? like me. an individual in the midst of billions of people on this planet. im afraid. constantly afraid of what the others will say or think about me. no one actually really cares do they? i feel so small and yet it seems like there is so much in me that i want the others to see and hear.

why let the 'others' to dictate the way i live my own life? why let the 'others' feel okay and here i am suffocating and drowning day by day. first of all, why let the voices of the 'others' play in my head like a CD on loop at its maximum volume that ends up burying my own voice out?

from losing my voice and now i'm slowly losing my ability to write as well. things i used to love means nothing now. even reading. days spent staring out the window idly and letting those voices have their own conversation is just letting them to kill me slowly. when a certain one takes charge to be a little louder and it makes me uneasy, i choose to shut it down by going to sleep. however even in my dreams they don't seem to want to let me go.

times wasted, days passes by and when i realised how much of my life i'm wasting, i go into a panic state. yet it does not activate my action button. instead i feel pity for myself, and the cycle continues. clearly, self pity is one of the worst weapons for self destruction but at the same time, it is the easy way out.

then i sort of realised, all this self pity puts oneself down so low that you constantly feel you're not good enough. then when you feel people start to take things from granted, you somehow will feel that this is all your own doing. you didn't love yourself enough and know your own worth. the energy you sent out to the universe is being reflected back the same way. who can you blame but yourself?

but then it feels so tiring to think and do things. i constantly feel i'm not enough and maybe my judgement is not right so i might cause trouble so i choose to hide or forewarn the others that i might make mistakes when in fact nobody knows if things will ever go wrong. in communication with people i'm always afraid to voice out my own opinions and feels that the others has better thoughts than mine. so i keep quiet and agrees with anything. i lost myself in the process over so many years. always deemed as the quiet and shy one, hiding in the corner and mostly overlooked. i became invisible or merely just a wallpaper. how did i ever allow myself to go into this state?

getting so used to the comfortable and uneventful state it is indeed difficult to push myself out of the shell. i managed to somehow and then will beat myself up in the night when all thoughts of what had i done and said in the day comes back. sometimes these thoughts come haunting after years down the road. my memories contain unnecessary thoughts. somehow, if i don't say what i want to say, regrets come by as well. i don't even know what i want.

emotions take control over at times and i feel like screaming at the other party and somehow i managed to appear calm in person. the screams are internal, slowly drowning me inside out. exhausted, that is what i feel most of the time. i don't know how to exactly explain what i am feeling and most wouldn't understand. even saying it out loud to people sounds so much like an excuse. so i rather stay away. the kind of gripping fear i feel when the right trigger appears are a thing that only i know what it means and how horrifying it can be. i'm just so tired and i know what i want to feel at least a little better, but i don't feel that i deserve that at all. it feels wrong to begin with.

"what would people think?" this line is like a mantra in my head. why do i actually have to care what people think? it's my life but society is created in such way. everyone has something to say and for a person like me, its poison. a slow poison being injected into me unwillingly. again, why and how did i allow it to happen? can my fear be extracted out from my system so i can live life a little more reckless and actually live? this is not living at all. i built a cage so strong and so high up that even i myself is struggling to bring it down.

i feel like running away... away from people and all that i'm familiar with.

i guess i failed in this second entry of spicing things up. it feels like i can only write when i'm in a negative state which is not exactly a good thing.

this sucks but till the next one, have a good day, stay safe and yea, be nice. but don't put yourself so low. there is a fine line between being nice and making yourself unworthy. a line that i need to start to look for.

me,

J.