Most of the time, I feel useless.
It’s funny. Everyone’s telling you to finish university as fast as you can. Get your degree and get out of school. So I did.
But now that I’m out, I wish I could go back and do it all again.
See, at least back then I had purpose. A goal- one I most definitely achieved at such a young age. I was 19 when I completed my bachelor degree. It felt great at the time; everyone praised and congratulated me. I’d been the first to cross the finish line.
That was 2 years ago in 2019. I’m now 21 years old, still living with my family. No job, barely any income, and worst of all- no goal.
All my life, I considered it to be my main mission, but now that it’s complete, I have no plan.
And it’s frustrating. Everyday I wake up and wonder what’s next. Some consided my childish; I act as if I want to be spoon fed and have my life handed to me on a silver platter, but it’s nothing like that. I’m just a rather sporadic person. I have no idea what I want to do at life. I used to think I did, but now that I’m here, I genuinely feel so lost. What’s my next chapter? My next mission? My next journey- that’s what everyone says, right?
What everyone expects of you.
And trust me, many expect greatly of me.
And many look up to me as though I prance through the path of success, when really, it’s all but a façade that I’ve created.
Sometimes, I find myself to be quite the actress, with everyone around me fooled into thinking I’m something I’m not.
I find it amusing as I even continue to fool myself.
Because from the bottom of my heart, I genuinely wish I were the girl I portray myself to be.
If you ask me the ten things I like about myself, I could do it in an instant. Multi-talented, genuine, perceptive, analytical, spiritually connected, artistic, competitive, strong willed, creative, I could even say I consider myself a beautiful person as well and-
Shall I go on?
However the horrid thing about humanity I believe are the demons within your heart.
Anger. Pain. Regret. Doubt.
It’s like they say- there are two wolves fighting within you, one positive, the other negative. Which will win?
The one you feed.
And some nights, falling into that black pit of despair is easier than breathing itself.
When I’m optimistic, I tell myself, “These thoughts are nothing but my fear and doubts- I’ve nothing to worry”.
But somedays, I wonder if they were true.
Trust me when I say, “I try my best”. Sometimes at least.
Because sometimes, I just want to wallow in bed and pretend I barely exist.
Like with every job I’ve applied for.
Each one rejected. No biggy- I guess.
However, I’m happy to say that some days, rejection can do nothing but make me stronger.
You stumble, that's normal. Completely fine in fact
But I won’t lie that it genuinely does get tiring.
And day after day after day, I continue to bump into walls, to the point that I feel nothing but numbness.
It's all I ever do at this point
No worries- pushing that aside, I can focus on my hobbies. Really enjoy life.
I can finally paint and pursue something through my art, even though a voice inside of me tells me I’ll never be good enough.
Almost all the time.
Though I remind myself to push forward and grow. And I do personally think I've come so far considering where I've started.
I post my work. I was happy- even though I’ve had my work stolen once.
Actually, maybe more than a few times.
Which hurts- a lot in fact.
But lets look on the bright side. I should be happy- doesn’t that mean that my work is good enough to be taken by other people?...
...kinda mkes me want to keep my work to myself- so no one can ever take it away from me..
Am I really?
I hope I am..
I really believe so.
I’m still here, aren’t I?
I’m alive, with a roof over my head and a loving family-
Just wish they knew how to show it, because sometimes it doesn’t feel like it.
But it’s alright, I’m provided with all that I desire.
I’m grateful, I really am.
And so I try to give my everything.
I tutor- students online. Those who feel just as I did, or in fact still do.
And its beautiful to see a smile of relief on their face. Lucky them, never having to struggle as I did.
But then they take from me and ask for more. More than I’ve already sacrificed. The late nights, the cries. I fight for them and in return, they disrespect me.
I’ve stopped tutoring online; only a handful of students who genuinely love and appreciate me are still in contact with me; and that I don’t mind. But I wanted to continue teaching, some other way.
So there started my dance classes.
They were beautiful.
My students were lovely- they were kind, and fun, and best of all passionate.
Nothing more than I ever wanted.
Though I knew this was limited. And that I’d only have but a few months with them.
And I didn’t mind that.
But days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months.
I’ve performed with them and we’ve become stars, and it was nice while it lasted.
Because tomorrow’s come the day where my students had to leave for good.
I’ve never felt so bitter.
But at the same time so happy.
She was a charmer, a shining soul that brought joy to my world.
We spent time together yesterday outside of class, yet she still calls me coach.
It warms my heart to see her love me and breaks it to see her leave.
But that’s okay. It’s never goodbye.
It will never be goodbye for me.
And this goes for everyone that I meet. It’s not easy to constantly move around, which is part of the reason why I still feel so lost.
I never know where I’m going, never know where I’ll be.
So what’s the point of all this that I’m writing? What is the purpose?
The thing is, I know that I’m not the only person lost. I know that there are many out there who feel just as broken and worn out and tired as I am, and yet we still move forward. I know that with every joy in the world comes excruciating pain, and how it feels to keep switching between many things in life, thinking “What is my purpose? Who do I want to become? What am I giving to the world? Where do I want to be when I’m older?”
And here I thought I’d have everything settled when really, I’m just following the breeze and wherever it takes me.
I’ll hit a few trees, a few bumps in the road and that’ll forever happen. But it’s okay, for as long as we keep going.
Even now, I’m more confused with life as I map out my words.
Everything is clustered, but everything is fine.
Because I am.
And I’ll keep stumbling through.