Stuck Along the Cliffs

One of my favorite places to run when I lived in San Diego took me from my apartment along cliffs facing the ocean, which led to an uphill, windy climb, where cars couldn’t go more than 15-20mph. There was a point in my run that my legs took on a life of their own. With each stride the day washed away from me, the sun warmed my face, my arms, my legs; the sound of the ocean matched every breath I took and I felt like I could run forever. This climb was the toughest portion of my route, however I knew if I could make it to the top of the hill the remainder would be easier. At the top the path would turn away from the cliffs into a neighborhood and slowly descend toward the bay. The bay was always quiet, serene and rarely had many people around it. This quietness allowed me to float through this portion of the run with the wings of a bird and not a single obstacle to be seen. The end of the pier was my stopping point and I would gaze into the abyss of the horizon across the ocean, taking it all in as I stretched. Waves lapped into the wood of the pillars holding the pier in place and I’d think of all the things alive and maneuvering within that huge body of water. I could stare into the vastness for hours feeling God’s amazing expansiveness. When I came back to myself, I would turn and walk the short distance to my apartment and the next day do it all over again.

Life can be like my favorite running route. There are times I feel like my stride is synched with the Universe and I can run forever. There are times the climb feels incredibly hard but I know if I can make it to the top it’ll get easier. There are times I feel as light as a bird making my way to my destination. In the end I find myself gazing upon God’s expansiveness and I turn to do it all again. However, there are also times the uphill climb feels too steep and causes me to stop running. It’s within these times that I have a choice. I can choose to keep moving, no matter how slowly, and I will eventually get to the top or I can choose to stop completely. I can rationalize that I’ll gaze upon God’s expansive ocean from the vantage point of the steep uphill climb, however there’s more to the route God has planned. Rationalizing makes me stuck on the cliffs. I can choose to stay stuck exactly where I stopped and never experience the rest of the route.

This has been my past seven years as I ventured through fertility. My husband and I married with desire to immediately begin our family. Each month that passed without a pregnancy felt like the climb was getting steeper and steeper. I’ve known we will have a family and yet I began searching outside myself for the answers. I stopped along the uphill climb searching the cliffs for clues and cures to my fertility struggles. I allowed myself to get stuck in the story rather than remembering to lean into the climb because once I get to the top of the hill it’ll get easier from there. Instead I tried everything anyone suggested and found myself lacking.

I have learned through Emphory the power in separating my circumstances from my story. To separate the enmeshment in order to clearly see with which lens I’m looking through. To get to the full truth of the obstacles I find. When my vision is clear is when I have the free will to choose. As I unravel my judgment, my lack and my desire for a family I can choose the lens of love or not. I can trust God’s Love, or I can continue searching the cliffs for clues and cures.

I’ve been playing a game with God while I sit on the cliffs of my uphill climb. I’ve been pretending to completely trust Him and the path in front of me however I’ve been stuck in a story. He’s calling me to move forward in order to work through me yet in my stuckness I’ve been blocking Him. I’m in the process now of unraveling my past story from my desires and I’m learning to lean into the climb. My future includes a family, that I am sure. What that family will look like, I have no idea, but if I truly trust the top of the hill will get easier then it’s simply a matter of one foot in front of the other. I may not have the conclusion of this portion of my story yet, but after staying stuck on the cliffs for so long, I’m delighted to remember I have free choice made possible by unraveling my story and telling myself the whole truth.