Stronger

Okay, so today's blog entry is for the love junkies of the world, who have perhaps been emotionally hurt and ruined as a result of a previous relationship or marriage. Love is undoubtedly the most powerful emotion one can experience in life, with happiness a close second. A lot of the time, happiness comes part and parcel with love, but it's not a given, especially if one person isn't fully committed to that relationship. It's an unfortunate fact that many people fall victim to placing their happiness in the hands of love, and in a partner. They believe that it becomes their new found partner's responsibility to make them happy, when the reality of life is, that's not their responsibility at all. We are actually all individually responsible for our own happiness. That's where so many relationships are broken, because one of the, or both, partner's expectations are not met. They blame their partner for not making them happy, when the reality is, they are often not even applying themselves to the relationship themselves. When two people come together and live by the values of open communication, compromise, trust, faithfulness, honesty, understanding, and support, then happiness should become a natural part of a relationship anyway. It also helps to have some things in common, I must personally add, but it's not a necessity to make love work. My parents were proof of that! The problem is that too many people think along the lines of an individual, rather than as a couple. Whilst we need to pursue our own goals, and create our own happiness, it doesn't shirk our responsibilities to applying ourselves to our relationship either. That's where compromise, open communication, and support are paramount. We should be openly communicating with eachother about our goals, and the decisions and actions that are required for us to get there. We should then be compromising with eachother around how the decisions and actions of both parties are going to work, to ensure that neither party gets hurt. Above all though, we should be supporting one another, because the moment we cease doing that becomes the moment the relationship begins to fall apart. The best case scenario is that you both have a common goal that you are working towards, and are continually uplifting and encouraging one another on the journey.

If you're like me though, you would have unfortunately had to experience a time, or times, when the support from your partner indeed stopped. Relationship break ups are horrible at the best of times, with marriage break ups even worse again. Perhaps break ups you have had weren't just a result from a lack of support, but maybe from domestic violence, or cheating, or lies, or maybe just from a pure absence of compatibility. One thing is for sure, break ups happen around the world every day, and they happen to an overwhelming majority of us, at some time, or times, during our life. I have now unfortunately been on the receiving end of two marriage break ups, both as a result of my ex-wives calling it quits. It's a shame we live in a world where divorce is accepted as the perfect "get out of jail free card", when you're making your vows at the wedding alter, in the case that you become unhappy. There's no disputing that there are some legitimately acceptable reasons for divorce, such as infidelity and domestic violence, but for many people, it's just too often as a result of them not being happy in that relationship. They simply cannot be bothered applying themselves to that marriage any longer, nor be really starting to work hard towards making their marriage work. Instead, like with most things in life, so many people believe that if something is not working out the way they anticipated, they give up. They believe that happiness will be found in the form of someone else, so they give up, rather than persevere, make some changes, and remain committed and patient, to the very person they made their promises and vows to. The novelty of that relationship is no longer there, so they move on to the next person for that fix, yet time only leads them down the same path, and they break off another relationship. They do this over and over until they either find someone foolish and weak enough, who bows down to their every request, and therefore pleases them, or until they finally begin to mature as a person. You deserve someone better than this!

Okay, so what I have said so far hasn't exactly offered any comfort or consolation to the feelings and emotions you have been experiencing off the back of a marriage or relationship split, so let's focus on you now. One thing about a relationship, a marriage, and a split up, is that they are all experiences. What do we gain from experiences in life? We gain education, we gain knowledge, we gain growth, and we gain development. As much as this time has been far from pleasant, the experience has been of extreme benefit to us. Now it's only natural to feel sadness, and to be shedding a few tears, following a break up, especially when it has been a long term relationship, so never hesitate to release these emotions. For our own benefit though, we need to refocus our attention away from something that has now become beyond our control. We can't change our former partner's mind, we can't go back in time and change things or start over, and we can't force them to love us again. Whatever we cannot control, we should never waste our precious time and energy focusing on it. We need to instead use that time and energy to focus on something positive, something that we can control, something that inspires and drives us. Think about your goals, get clear about what it is you want in life, and what you desire your future to look like, then get to work on making it happen. With no partner around, all of a sudden, you're a free spirit, you no longer need to compromise or communicate over your decisions, actions, and intentions. Whilst it's a lovely feeling to have someone by your side to kiss, cuddle, talk with, and be intimate with, there are other avenues to life happiness and satisfaction. A lot of people believe the solution is to get straight back into the love game, and find themselves another partner as soon as possible. The question is, why? Why this necessity to be in a relationship again? The answer....insecurity! Some people unfortunately need other people to make them feel better about themselves, which is quite sad really.

Truth be told, we are a resilient species. Despite all the adversities, challenges, and yes, heartbreaks, that are thrown our way, we manage to find a way to overcome them. At the time, when we are facing these trials and heartbreaks, we naturally feel hurt and pained, but we will always find that as time goes on, we become mentally and emotionally stronger. We start to discover that as much as there may have been some good times, and great memories made, in the relationship, that there can often be even more rewarding and enjoyable times thereafter. In fact, we often come to be thankful that the break up did indeed happen, because we would otherwise have not had the opportunity to enjoy the moments and life we are led to. It does take time to heal from a broken relationship or marriage, but healing is a given process. We need to aid that healing process though by focusing on our goals and our future, because if we continue wallowing in misery, continue punishing ourselves for the break up, or continue wishing that things will go back the way they were, we are hampering that healing process. We continue to keep ourselves trapped in the negative emotions of hurt, pain, anger, sadness, resentment, and bitterness. Feel upset, cry, and experience the emotions that come with the sadness of losing someone, it's natural, but it's also important to have the willpower to move on hastily. Don't give something out of your control the focus and energy it doesn't deserve. It's now time to focus on yourself.

You will notice that today's quote may sound familiar, and if you guessed it was from the Britney Spears song of 2000 "Stronger", you'd be correct. We all possess resilience, and yet so many of us underestimate just exactly how strong we really are. I'm not talking physical strength, I'm talking mental strength. How can we ever learn of the resilience we possess if we never have the opportunity to experience adversity, hardship, pain, failure, rejection, and the like? I guarantee that many previous partners, that you have in life, will also take delight in trying to make you feel even worse by highlighting to you that they have moved on, normally through the means of another partner. They will splash photos of themselves and their new found love over social media, they will post comments about how lucky they are, how happy they are, and how great they feel with their new partner, and they will do many such pathetic and childish actions in an attempt of creating an element of envy. Don't give them the pleasure. Move on! They are not worth your time, energy, and focus either. You are better than that, and when you make the choice to focus on your goals, and be working towards creating success and happiness in your own life, the results will start to show, and ultimately, what you achieve will end up coming back to bite your former partner in the butt. Revenge is never a solution, however it becomes a natural result from having such an attitude and focus anyway. Don't allow your loneliness to kill you, don't allow your insecurities to lead you back into another relationship for the sake of it, and don't give attention to either your former partner or the desire to go back to how things were, because this is all wasted energy. Turn such a terrible time into a time of definition and positive change. Use the pain and the hurt to drive you and inspire you, as you prove to yourself and the world that you don't need anyone else to make you happy or successful in life, but instead showcase the strength, resilience, courage, and potential within you. So if you're suffering from a relationship break up, now's your time to shine. Focus on yourself, your goals, and create the best future for yourself, because you deserve it!

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