Strength And Endurance

https://music.amazon.com/user-playlists/253429478e174c9f94ba787f056d62e3sune?ref=dm_sh_be40-0965-bc77-1b37-a1e3c

This has been a year of incredible ups and downs. Each song on my playlist represents the Strength and Endurance it took to survive 2020, and come out the other side healthier, in every sense.

These songs helped me to stay grounded and sane, as much as possible.

In all of this, my first Grandchild was born in April. He gave me the courage to do what I would have to do during the year to change the world so that he (and all of the other babies born into this world) will never have to suffer the horror that I and so many like me did.

My year began with a resolution to make a change and to get some exercise, both physical and mental. I started a new journal and a cardio exercise program and diligently stuck with both of these things as much as possible throughout the year. In the process, I wrote two novels, and vastly improved my physical health.

I began this playlist with song 1 and added the others on as my physical endurance increased, until I was able to work out without stopping for the entire length of the playlist.

Every day, I woke up and put this playlist on as it evolved, and I danced. I have found a new level of physical fitness, lost 97 pounds, and overall improved my physical and mental health. Each song evokes courage and strength, the will to keep on fighting even when the outcome remains uncertain.

1. Avi Kaplan – Change On The Rise ….. The most played song in my home this year, this gem represents to me that change is a verb, and in order to make things happen, you have to make a commitment to do the work.

2. Macklemore – Ten Thousand Hours ….. This song reminds me that nothing is instant, and you have to put your ten thousand hours in before you can become a master of any skill.

3. Marty Ray Project – Ice Ice Baby ….. Reminds me that you can give the same old thing a whole new meaning.

Then the strangest thing happened, a pandemic. Since I was homebound by my health history, I doubled down on the hard work of improving my writing and getting into better physical shape.

4. Rag 'n Bone Man – Skin ….. Thinking about all of the people being lost on a daily basis.

5. Blue Oyster Cult – Don't Fear The Reaper ….. Scared half to death by the 'Captain Tripps' of it all. (Afraid it would turn into something horrific like Stephen King's 'The Stand')

And then my mental health started to become an issue. I was being forced to give one deposition after another about the worst moments of my life. I fought, though I began to become increasingly afraid that I would die before I had a chance to tell my loved ones how much they mean to me.

6. Macklemore – Can't Hold Us ….. A reminder that to get excellent at anything requires a commitment to work.

7. Uncle Lucius – Keep The Wolves Away ….. Times got financially harder and harder as the year progressed.

8. Heart – Stairway to Heaven ….. It seemed like the only people who weren't suffering horribly were the ones rich enough to buy a way out.

As my mental health slipped, I fought and flailed and screamed for validation. Everyone turned away and left me standing cold and alone under a spotlight.

9. Rachel Rose Mitchell – Hey, Alice ….. Recounting the most horrible moments of my life, the ones that I had been beaten and even exorcised for speaking, the ones that I had been told were delusions that my mind made up, and now people listened. They were 'so sorry that they didn't believe me'. The cognitive dissonance tore me apart.

10. Kaleo – Save Yourself ….. A reminder that in the end, the only one who can save you is yourself.

As June came and went, with the Neowise object in the sky above Stonehenge on the Summer Solstice, I began to do group meditations and found a bit of balance in the rocky sea of 2020.

11. Macklemore – Thrift Shop ….. I started to find joy in hunting for little inexpensive treasures to brighten up my life.

12. Zombies 2 Cast – Flesh And Bone ….. I continued working tirelessly for the victims and survivors of sex trafficking.

13. Maroon 5 – Memories ….. I was living in a sea of moments that eclipsed my reality.

14. Gorillaz – Dare ….. Gave me the strength to keep treading water when I felt agitated.

15. Macklemore – Same Love ….. Gave me courage to 'come out' as asexual for the first time.

Throughout October and November, I became more and more suicidal. I nearly committed suicide in the end of November. I spent a few days in the hospital and got my balance, and I have come out the other side of that, feeling a renewed sense of hope and joy in my daily life.

16. Matisyahu – One Day ….. A reminder that all things pass, and every cloud has a silver lining.

17. Imagine Dragons – Thunder ….. A drumbeat to continue marching to.

18. Macklemore – Glorious ….. A reminder that as long as there is one person who speaks your name, you will never be truly gone from the fabric of society.

And then, watching the Great Conjunction over Stonehenge on the winter solstice really brought it all home that even a year like this one is only 366 days long.

19. Avariel and the Sequoias – Hey Ya ….. Leaves me feeling uplifted.

20. Kaleo – I Can't Go On Without You ….. Leaves me feeling focused and dedicated to being a better person for my children and grandchildren.

21. Frank Sinatra – That's Life ….. Reminds me that everyone's life is a rollercoaster, it's not just me.

Intro and Testimonial:

I'm Angel and I'm an opiate addict. This year has been a challenge for every one of us, but for none more keenly than those who suffer with addictions and mental illness. This is my story.

I have cPTSD and I have been fighting throughout the entire year to maintain a grip on my sanity. Dancing to this playlist helped me to do that, for the most part, and when I got lost in the darkness, it helped me to remember that there is still light, even when we can't see it.

You see, I am a retired child sex worker.

This year I was asked to testify against several of the people involved in operations like the 'Pleasure Island' you have heard about in the news. These things have been happening since the dawn of time, and 'good people' rejected our truth, when we were little children telling stories of what WE did on OUR summer vacation, stories of what some call 'Pleasure Islands'.

As a child, I was beaten, drugged, hospitalized, and even exorcised in an effort to shut me up. It never worked. After the island hit the news, I (and very many others like me) received a phone call from the FBI. They have begun a task force targeting the people behind these places. One of the things they've done is to reopen all of the old complaints that have a common thread.

'Student came home from summer break talking about how she was taken to a place where they dressed her up like a princess and made her dance and sing for a group of men, who then each chose one of the children from the stage and took them to a separate place and 'played grownups' with them.' (this was one from my own record)

Being asked to recount these stories that I had been told were delusions that my own mind had made up, being forced to confront what I had been told was a sickness, an evil inside of me, well, it broke me. I became suicidal.

Everything that came out of my mouth became colored with insanity. They had never shut me up, never driven me insane, no matter how much they told others that I was a liar and mentally ill. But, they won, finally. They made me crazy by showing the world their own true faces.

Imagine a child that saw demons everywhere. Not some kind of ugly, inhuman thing, but the true evil that humanity perpetrates on their children. And she's beaten and exorcised in order to prove to the world that she's crazy not telling the truth. And, one day, the rest of the world could see the demons. Their masks fell off. And THEN, after having tried to break her for years, the 'good people' began to ask questions.

They forced me to testify, giving depositions, on many events that I had put away from and survived. Suddenly, all of the ugliness, all of the truth, came pouring out of me and it was all I could see.

This playlist grew in the face of all of that, a way to keep touch with the things I loved about myself, and a war drum to keep marching. My testimony will help to put an end to all of the suffering of millions of children like the one that I was.

I have to remind myself, daily, that all things pass. I do not regret a moment of the hell I've endured because my story will help so many others find a way out of the darkness that they've been condemned to endure by those who did not understand how to help.

Help is coming for us all, the authorities are listening now.

'We won't break. We're more than Flesh and Bone.'