Stay Strong. Pt.2

To find the right words, it can be a nightmare. Because we want to say the right things. But when you are not in the right headspace, we find ourselves saying things incorrectly, then everything feels like it is getting worse.

Have you ever felt that way? And then to make things worse, you get into your head even more, and you start to bury yourself in thoughts of “Should I? Shouldn’t I? Do I try? What do I say?”

And it is usually around this point where you begin to forget and lose yourself, because you realise. You are not okay… But, that doesn’t mean it’s the be all and end all. The brain is like a computer, a powerful operating system. It overheats, and will crash if we don’t pause, restart, refresh or even slowly power down. It is not easy to do. An overthinker will always have 20+ window browsers operating at once, all of them simultaneously trying to find answers. And even when the answer is right there, we’re still searching. Why? Because we will automatically think, there is a different response elsewhere. And we lose touch with ourselves as a result…

From personal experience, when covid began in 2020, I immersed myself into an online world, as an escape from the reality around me. It was through that world that I thought I was able to cope, and operate myself where I didnt have the reality of fear around me, 24/7. And it was the same for many. I was working heavy hours, in the retail world at the time, less staff due to restrictions, longer hours to make up the gaps. And as a supervisor there, it was my job to fulfil more than just on foot, but also backroom jobs too.

Simple? Not at all. Because the pressure to carry the shoulders of others as well as my own, the push from management was intense. There was immense pressure to fulfil targets, goals, cover gaps. But also tried to say that “profits” was just as important as “safety”. Basically, there was no safety. The retail world was exposed to covid just as bad as the medical field. Because people with covid, still went shopping, touching items, touching money, touching trollies (Shopping carts for those outside the UK). We were all exposed, with minimal safety measures for staff. Not to mention the abuse we faced. Being spat at, sworn at, verbally assaulted and blamed for situations beyond our control.

So imagine all of this going on, breaking down multiple times because of the pressure. Breaking down because of not being able to achieve these goals, then having your job threatened, during such times because of it. You can imagine the stress one has to put up with. And for a fact, it was like that for so many. So to escape all of this, I decided to enter an online world, where I didnt have this pressure, didn’t have this expectation of me to be what others needed me to be. It was a break away from reality.

But even then, was I really ok? Had I really escaped? Sad truth. No, I was not ok. Because even when escaping to such virtual realities, I never really got away from the stress and anxiety around me. Yes I could pretend, and act as if I was ok, because I was behind a screen. So no one else would know anything different. But I wasn’t ok at all. My mind was so heavily run down, that I slowly started to lose track of reality, and was so immersed in the online world, that I neglected myself in so many different ways…

But then I caught covid, due to the lack of safety guidelines to protect us. And I have been medically unable to work since July 2021. So think of this, being stuck, in the same 4 walls, for over a year. Slowly reaching 2 years. One has to ask oneself. Am I really ok?

It is ok, to not be okay.

Stay tuned for Pt.3