Solve World Hunger (Tell No One)

A wise man once told me, I rather loyalty than love.

This statement was beyond me at the time, because I couldn't understand what was loyalty without love or vice versa; since when we had to chose anyways?

It took me 6 months to see what and where the statement came from, and to say bittersweet was the star of the show, is an understatement. I wanted to give love, where only loyalty was required, and while I feel love was accepted, loyalty was always a price I didn't have all the answers to give.

Loyalty meant I had to separate myself from the outcome and I simply couldn't do that, my loyalty lays with the tiniest of hearts, and if I had to give loyalty in exchange for love, a love I've never seen nor heard of; the scales were not balanced.

This one time in my life created this boundary, I was sitting in a dirty car with someone I trusted blindly, and for a second my life flashed in front of me, my dreams, my wants, the people I owe respect to, everything came flashing as the policeman had a conversation with the driver.

Though I knew this person for years and I trusted them with everything I had, after only a ticket, the sound of their laugh pained my own loyalty.

I promised myself right there and then that I would never place myself in a situation that I was 1. not okay with 2. not prepared to have consequences for and 3. with anyone, point blank.

I remember sitting as I watched the movement in the apartment, the placements, the products, I remember asking myself where was my loyalty to that boundary. In my head I counted the excuses "they would never", "I have nothing to do with this", " is not mine ", " people do what they have to do ": I had to relay on my gut, because my mind was consumed with love? lust?

I remember the sight of a police car and them, I made eye contact, it took a lot for me to walk straight and not go up to the situation, I later called, crossed my own loyalty once again, for a love I've never seen, a love I never got; when it was all said and done, I pride myself on wanting to love someone so much that they saw my love as a threat, because I can tell you from experience that accepting love when you don't know it, it can be the hardest thing to do.

I lost count of how many times I screamed "You don't care", I lost count of how many times I wanted to give but stopped myself because seeing yourself as stupid in someone else's eyes, will do worst than brake you.

A love that can be loyal is what I want, I don't want loyalty without love, I don't want terror to change my face expression when loyalty is at play without answers, without the certainty that if worst comes knocking you'll do the same for me. See, my dad was a veteran, he not only understood loyalty, he understood the driver was love, he taught me that you stay loyal to those who show you love, a certain type of love, a love that can't be stopped, a love that won't look stupid but rather make sure you have all the tools you need to win in any situation.

What hurts is not the rejection, what hurts is that I was only giving, I never asked in return, yet, loyalty won, the need to stay single? the need to avoid commitment? the need to remain untouched? I am not sure what holds so much loyalty that you won't even accept love, but what I do know is that, being loyal to self implies giving, accepting, understanding that you deserve love, loyalty, safety, cleanness, food; because the world would be dull without you my love, so here I stand holding my own heart on my hands, understanding that maybe I was not the one to open that vein up, to unclogged it, to cleanse it, to nurture it.

This was not my fight, I was only a rest period between rounds.

XOXO

Lucy