4:30PM Stare Into The Abyss

They say with value comes outlook, I've always been target focus professionally, money and passion runs most of my brain, recently money has been feeling useless and passion, well, passion has been feeling distant.

Going back to corporate felt like a betrayal to myself, I fought thoughts of failure, I wrestled with feelings of 'not good enough' because of my scarcity mind set; at the start of the year I was sure I wanted to be a life coach, and that passion is still lit inside of me, I just haven't found the guts to launch something I've been building for months now, I have everything set and ready, it's just that one button, the one that reads "go live" on the right corner of the website that intimidates the cells out of me.

I've launched my books, I've laughed versions of me that I was not sure of at the time and here I am intimidated by a tittle.

At the table I negotiated my needs, I was given every single thing I asked for, double my offer salary and still, in the mists of feeling like the MVP, I couldn't feel passion.

Sales is and will always be part of who I am, sales pushed me into a reality I never even dreamed of, a one income household where we are more than comfortable, and for the last 4 years I've managed to give my kids and myself a life I thought was for everyone else but me. As I met people in the business, I noticed a pattern, being comfortable does not allow growth, and for all I know these people might be long strong branches outside of their professional lives, but to sit with myself and think that I would one day be sitting with the new girl at work, telling her I've been there for 17 years scared the living mind out of me.

I felt so lost that my body shut down on me, Tuesday mid-morning I was headed home with my stomach in nuts and my mind racing, as I closed in on the acceleration, I braked hard causing me to jerk up from my driver seat, causing me to eat a red light and run into turning traffic. The driver got out of the truck , yelling ,visibly angry, though I didn't caused an accident, it was the closest I've been to danger in a while.

I got home, got undressed and found myself under the covers crying myself into a nap.

I was disappointed at myself, I was scared, I was pushing my ego to say things that hurt me, things like " you don't deserve this " "you should've stayed where you were" "your dreams are not real" I got beaten by my own mind, when I woke up I felt bruised, covered in black and blues.

I am not usually mean, but when I am mean, I can be cold and dark, I took the little energy I had gained from looking at my paychecks and I tormented myself for almost 48 hours straight; the halftime was a conversation between my babies mother and I, it was short of an hour long, and I literally cried as I confessed my feelings for my last job, as I confessed that I made a huge mistake and that I was in the middle of nowhere, surrounded once more by the picture perfect material world, but slowly dying inside.

I found myself writing, I found myself asking Universe to give me reason to get up and fight my best fight, yet. Universe led me right into the office of an opportunity that I was single handed asked to formally interview for, after an hour of conversation.

Universe led me to self dignity and self respect, understanding that a salary did not come with sarcastic, narcissistic means, no salary should come with disrespect. I knew that I was valued enough to make a blueprint and I did, sometimes Universe will use you as a trailblazer for others to find their own fire, as my last encounters with coworkers took place, I found that they didn't want to be there, there were just too scared to leave, and that's when I knew that my job was not to stay, my job was to be the first one to leave.

The first one to leave after putting my foot down, after yelling back; "you can't talk to me like that" because I meant it with my whole might, despite his power, despite management, despite being giving all i asked for on the table, recognizing that I AM THE TABLE is and will always be my super power.

As I stare at my future, I can't help but feel like the MVP I am, I've worked hard for all I've earned, for every single tittle I've filled and to think that I doubted myself because of a brand makes me laugh, it makes me giggle because I don't need a salary, nor a tittle to be who I am, now that I can be who I am personally and professionally, the sky is the limit.

XOXO

Lucy