Shadow Work Journey Part Two

How does the feeling of envy show up in my life? Where does the envy that I am feeling stem from in my subconscious? How would I feel if I obtained the things that I am envious of subconsciously or consciously?

The feeling of envy usually shows up in my life during a time that I am hard on myself. When it comes to my blog, youtube, creative content, I am tough on myself. I wonder to myself, why isn't my blog making money? Why do I not have that many followers? I have created a blog after blog, and that might be the reason why. Consistency when it comes to my project is my issue. Of course, I can point out my downfall of why any of my projects have grown like I have wanted them to and that issue is inconsistency and procrastination. That does not stop the feeling of envy of, "Well, how does she have so many followers?", "Why is it working for her and not myself?" I will admit that success does make me envious; however, not to the point that I do not want to support them. In the end, I get overwhelmed; I tend to watch the person who is succeeding to understand why and what is working for them; however, I am always happy for others' success.

When envy shows up in my life, the most significant feeling is failure, discouragement, and as if this may not be what I should be doing even though it is a passion. I love expressing myself to the world, regardless of who is listening, reading, or watching. However, I question if I am holding back because I cannot grow as much as possible. It has been a year, and yet I feel like I am still at a standstill. Nevertheless, I have seen others hit 100K or talk about making over $1,000 a month blogging. That success just has not happened to me.

Subconsciously, I envy the growth and followers. Some of their material isn't that great but, neither is mine, so why no change? After being continuously told, I am a failure for my artwork, my podcast, my blog, or even just myself in general. "Anything that I do on the internet wise with my business will never succeed." Stuck in the back of my head is something my uncle said to me when I first published my first book. "Just because you write a book does not mean anyone is going to read it." Something that I hear in my mind with EVERYTHING that I do moving forward. Subconsciously, failure has carved its negative word into my head with whatever I do.

Another example is when I became a Medical Assistant, Phlebotomist, Certified Nursing Assistant, Pharmacy Technician, all jobs I've worked to get certified or trained in the field. Healthcare was my life for over ten years. However, the same family member told others that I could not do anything with my life and a failure.

Consciously, I know that I can do anything that I set my mind to and, of course, stay consistent with all the projects that I enjoy. I've changed my projects so many times to fit the "others" viewpoint. I knew that it was not exactly what I wanted to do but felt that hear from others was not a "good" thing to write, talk, or record about I stray away from it, even if I am passionate about the topic.

Consciously, I know that is not right, and I should do what makes me happy. If I am consistent with my projects, I will intentionally see the growth I want to see. It was a friend at one point that once said to me, "It is about finding your community of people that like your content and build off of that." Those are words that I need to start taking to heart and putting those words to work.

All in all, if I were to ignore my subconscious negative thoughts and not let my conscious negative thoughts attack my motivation. My subconscious or deliberate envious nature of others' success in the same content creation field could be corrected if I focus on myself and what I can do. The most challenging process to unlearn for me, but I will use shadow work to overcome getting out of my head in a negative space.

Additionally, talking to myself more kindly and positively. So, the only way to truly fix envy, negative self-talk, jealousy and not focus on the people who try and pull me down by adding to my self-negative talk is to focus on myself and have more positive self-care talk. Once I can talk to myself nicely, the negative self-talk and negative overthinking of others will diminish. Just sharing my flaws and how I plan on changing them documenting it will help in the reflection process, whenever I get it. I hope you follow me down this journey of shadow work on myself. Hopefully, this can help you or someone you know to tap into their inner negative thoughts and figure out how to reverse them. Again, I am not a doctor or medical professional, so my ideas, comments, or suggestions are not medical advice. Simply what I have experienced personally and gone through during my therapy and self-healing process. I would also love to hear your thoughts, so please comment below.

How does the feeling of envy show up in my life? Where does the jealousy that I am feeling stem from in my subconscious? How would I feel if I obtained the things that I am envious of subconsciously or consciously?