Roots.

I didn’t choose to live by the beach, it was, I guess, meant to be. I’ve been applying for many apartments and getting denied, then one day I decided that money talks, applications bullshit so I went straight into the leasing office, within 24 hours I was signing my very first lease, alone.

I remember thinking “ is this real? '' While moving, it was August 2021, everything went so smoothly, everything just started falling into place without a fight, that’s when I understood, the Universe was driving.

I’ve always envisioned living by the water, but I always thought it would be expensive, in retrospect, it is. I found myself in the waves of the ocean, I found myself wrapped in the winds, the skies, the sand, the greens, I fell in love.

November 2021, I found butterflies all around me, the journey between Texas and I began, and it was a world win roller-coaster. I learned so much in those 2 years I spent chasing love, even after, I found myself understanding that sometimes the story is a lesson instead of a fairy-tale.

I would be lying if I said that I have not checked in with Texas, letting go has been a challenge on it’s on, and at times it has broken me over and over, the thoughts, the memories, the sense of “ was it just in my head” then he reached out and I lost all confidence, all inability to think straight, all will power to see this ending through. I was in front of the ocean, the waves breaking hard, the white noise loud, the emotions rushing back as if he never left, as if these last 302 days have been a long pause.

To some this might be pitiful, I thought this might be the grand gesture I’ve been quietly waiting for, the moment Texas comes rushing in and declares his love, blames his lack of commitment on fear, and we sprout as one. The reply “ crying “ put the lock on the door for me, I understood that it was all in my head and that Texas would always be in his own world, a world I never belonged in, a world full of wonder and lack; a world I once gave anything to be part of.

As I renewed my lease today, I smiled and I looked out at the sea, a gorgeous June day, the boats were out, umbrellas set, the Sun shining, and I thought to myself, “what now?”.

I took 2 days off work; I threw out 2 bags of everything and anything that was not serving me, I threw out my desk, my computer chair, half of my apartment was at the dumpster as if I was moving out; some say I was throwing out my feelings, but that does not align with me.

I am not sure what now, I don’t have a plan and for the first time in my life I feel like going with the flow of joy, there is a lot I want to accomplish, there are still goals that are part of my journey here, as for the other things, like love, I am enjoying my roots, I am enjoying myself and being free. I am enjoying my mind, my peace, this woman I am becoming is alarmingly incredible.

I got beat up this week, blues and blacks, heart numb, but at the end of the fight, I got back up, proud of my decision.

XOXO

Lucy