Reso... what?

I kicked resolutions in the ass many years ago. I kept on exploring changing this or changing that, only to fail miserably a few weeks later (if I even managed to last weeks and not days). No, resolutions seemed more like a made up marketing trick to get us to join gyms, eat certain foods, buy certain goods… just changing habits without actually believing that we were capable of change.

I am talking about myself here, I am sure there are people out there who have succeeded with flying colors with resolutions, but for me, they just were not sustainable.

Why? I wondered, did resolutions not work for me? In the past couple of years I have been doing a lot of introspection, read a lot of self-help books, worked with a mindset coach, and worked hard on pinpointing where my beliefs stemmed from. There would be times when I’d start eating healthier, working out and getting fitter. There would be times when I’d have a job doing what I loved and making good money. There’d be times when my love-life seemed to bring me joy and harmony… ah! So many things that worked… but for a short period of time.

Why? Why did I keep failing at all these things? What was NOT working for me? All these changes were based on goals. Oh, goals are great! Don’t get me wrong. Setting goals is what keeps us going, what makes us get up in the morning and looking forward to completing them, but goals without feelings are just mechanical, alien to our true self. My goals were great, and I wanted them… I truly did! But… I didn’t believe. I thought I did, I thought I could accomplish anything I set my mind to. I’d tell myself I was capable of doing anything. For a while, I could fit nicely into my clothes and buy new, sexy outfits that I loved putting on. Tight jeans that enhanced my ass and my now slimmer hips, tops that didn’t feel too tight in the chest area, no double chin to make me cringe when looking at pictures. Ah, I felt good! I felt confident, but the fat little girl would still be well and alive in my mind, binging on cookies or chocolates in there, convinced (and simultaneously convincing me) that it wouldn’t last. It didn’t! Nope, it certainly didn’t. And, guess what? Neither did it last with relationships, money, or desires that I so, so, yearned but couldn’t ever manage to keep for long periods of time. So, yeah, fuck resolutions. Resolutions focus on the end result, not on the journey, and being in a hurry to get to your destination will have you tumbling over and not finding your footing, forgetting to look at the beautiful path that’s taking you there. Resolutions destroyed my self-esteem and my capability of trusting myself. I kept on setting them, breaking them, and hating myself for not doing what I had promised I’d do, that I had bragged to my friends I would accomplish this year because, know what? With the dawn of a new year, it was as if I would magically become a new person without even believing that I could. How does that work, I wonder? It doesn’t.

So, what is my “resolution”? I have none. No, this year I am setting goals and being more self-compassionate. This year I am changing my self-image so that I can actually keep all the things I desire, because all our failures and all our successes are intertwined and cannot exist one without the other. They are all born from the same place, from our subconscious mind believing one truth about ourselves, the one we keep on repeating to ourselves day in and day out in our own thoughts. We might be giving ourselves the false pretense that we can, that anything is possible, feeding our environment with affirmations and positive quotes. Oh, I know all about it! But, what’s the point of doing that if, at the end of the day, I have more doubts about what I’m capable of than actually trusting and believing that I can?

Yes, this year I am changing those beliefs. I am aware of where some of them come from, and they are NOT mine. I borrowed them from teachers, friends, family, the environment… And they DO NOT work for me. They are not aligned with who I truly am.

This year I’ve started the year by understanding that I am not a failure, but that I have failed, repeatedly. Failed hard and failed badly. I have fallen so deep that sometimes I thought I wouldn’t be able to get back up. But I did. After all, I am here, aren’t I? If nothing else, I am resilient and persistent. Through desperation, tribulation, anxiety, fear, loss… I have persisted. So why not look at all the amazing things I have accomplished? Yes, that’s what I’m focusing on this year —this 2021 that follows such a trying and challenging year— I am focusing on rising, on my ability to do better, to be better, to become more, and to be the positive change I can —hopefully— inspire in others.

This year I will focus on loving more, smiling more, caring more, listening more and talking less, doing more, being more creative, reading more, writing more, staying aligned with my purpose, meditating, leaving the impression of increase in others, and just being the best version of myself than I can possibly be by being aware and being present.

This year I will walk with one foot in front of the other, mindfully, thoughtfully, always moving forward, stopping when I want to enjoy or admire something in the way and, always, always, remembering to stop to smell the proverbial roses.