Reminders and Lessons

To be frank, every time I’ve sat down and wanted to write, I freeze. I overthink. I don’t feel like I have anything to say, and thinking back – that’s absolute bullshit. I started writing again to have a place to vent and feel because I love it and sometimes I need it, eh, a good portion of the time I need it. So, I came into my backyard after getting drinks with one of my best friends, Marc, I’ve now poured myself another double and told myself to write it out. For those who watch Grey’s Anatomy (and if you haven’t, shame on you, you have no excuse now cause we all got the time), Christina and Meredith don’t like to talk about their feelings, we have this in common a lot of the time, so they dance. They dance until they feel happier, and if I learned anything during the last eight months of being stuck in my hometown it’s that dancing it out, writing it out, singing it out, crying it out – whatever your method may be, don’t be ashamed of it, embrace it, do it every chance you can. Also, a playlist was made for this exact purpose if you wanna refer back a couple story, it's called, yes you guessed it, Dance It Out.

While I’m on the topic of lessons and reminders during quarantine, I’m gonna share some things I’ve learned and held onto during the last couple months.

Reminder #1: Rely on your friends, even when you don’t want to. I am the queen of dealing with my emotions by myself. Over the years, I’ve been working on it, but it’s 100% a work in progress. If you have people in your life, that are not only amazing, but dependable, DEPEND on them when you need it. One of my best friends has called me several times during quarantine after crying it out, and “feeling better” only to after cry it out more to me on the phone. Sometimes we don’t want to feel like a burden to our friends or that we are talking about ourselves too much. Rely on your friends AND learn to be the listener and the talker. Friendships are equal, as are relationships. If lesson #1 defines anything it’s communicate with the people closest to you.

Reminder #2: YoU ArE nOT AlONe. I might get backlash for this, but if I had a nickel for every time my parents in the last 8 months have vaguely said – “If it helps, I talked to this person today and they are struggling too during this time.” Let me preface. I love my parents and everything they do for me. I also wholeheartedly understand that everyone is going through something, some worse than others, BUT I am a strong believer in the fact that no matter what you are feeling, you are valid in it. You are allowed to feel alone when the entire world is alone during quarantine. You are allowed to feel defeated when the job you wanted falls though, even though some people have been without jobs for years. You are allowed to feel like you should be farther along in your life, and not look at social media and feel behind. The phrase “Everyone feels that way” bugs me. I think everyone feels the way they feel at that moment and they are valid in it. The moment that you feel something and you push it away by saying “Well someone has it worse.” The NEXT time you feel it, may be worse for you, because you never truly dealt with it. If I have one piece of advice it’s “You are valid in feeling the way you are feeling, no matter what else anyone may be dealing with.”

Reminder #3: Care about your health, mental and physical. If you know me, you know I preach about health a good amount. Mental health, physical health, sexual health, health in general. Quarantine has been a rollercoaster for me with my weight and my health – I gained, I lost, I gained, I LOST an unhealthy amount, and then I gained it all back plus some, and now I’m back to my original weight, losing by the day, sure to fluctuate again. My confidence in my work in strongly related to my confidence in every other aspect of my life. I loved my job before Covid hit and I’d love to say that being home and reinventing myself during this time has been good, but it’s been a mess. At one point, I said to my boyfriend, Ed, through tears – “I’m just going to stop getting excited about things, because I don’t know if I can take another disappointment right now.” Moving forward from that statement, hear this. Your weight, your confidence, your happiness will fluctuate, Covid or no Covid. BUT take this with a grain of salt, if you don’t take the time right now to care about yourself, your health, and your well-being – when will you?

If I’m 100% gut wrenchingly honest with you all in this moment, I could write 20 more lessons that I’ve learned and re-learned during these 8 months in my hometown. I plan to go back to Los Angeles around January, amid Covid updates, which will mark 10 months of being back home. Living with my parents, working at the restaurant I was a dishwasher at when I was 17, and two of my childhood best friends leaving during the midst of all. It’s been a hard couple of months.

SO, here comes, Reminder #4:

If you are like me, stuck at home, stuck in your apartment, or just feeling stuck. Take a second and look at all the good things you have going on your life, even if they are little. Life is made up of a million little things. If I were to list some: being able to go for walks with my puppy who I wouldn’t get to see grow up in LA, going to wineries, the coast, and lunch with my friends on my days off (with masks on!), and finding a boyfriend on a dating app during Covid (yeah, what the heck, how!) after never thinking I’d feel good about someone again. The little things, the big things. Hold onto those and know that Covid won’t last forever… even though it feels like it.