Rediscovering Myself Through Solitude

In January of 2023, I finally felt like I was starting to get better.

After years of struggling, the efforts I was making were starting to work and everything was making a bit more sense. Every day didn't feel like a Monday anymore.

Before I met my partner in 2020, I would look for others to fill my evenings. I didn't like being alone (still don't), but at this time, I would go to extremes to avoid that. But after three years together, I was finally seeing changes in myself.

Looking back, I see that looking for comfort in others was a coping mechanism that I was using quite a bit. (Hell, I still use it now, but I've gotten a lot better at being alone since then). Part of the problem was the kind of people I was looking to for comfort.

But I was lonely, and terribly insecure, and every compliment from some dude about how I was "so pretty" made me feel like I was needed.

The turning point was when I met my now partner. At the time, he was just some random guy. I was all over the place, but he was able to reign me in and help me realize that I actually wanted to love, and most importantly, live. This meant that I needed to stop sabotaging my whole entire life.

At the start of our relationship, we spent all of our time together. We met right at the start of COVID, so we got comfortable hiding out together. Once the world re-opened, it was hard for me to have him leave me even for the smallest time. My co-dependence was back and I felt like a helpless child.

Over time, we practiced spending time apart. I started going to the coffee shop to have some alone time in the presence of others, and he started working part-time. We both started hanging out with friends separately.

When I had to spend evenings alone, I started going back to hobbies that I'd loved in the past. I was listening to audiobooks of books that I used to read. I was playing new games. I was drumming on Rock Band, which was something I never thought I'd do again (come on now, how common are those drums nowadays?)

However, being alone wasn't my preferred option. Admittedly, I spent a lot of nights crying about how I was alone, even though it was necessary for me to be alone at the time.

That's a trauma thing — I've gotten a lot better about that.

I didn't like the things that my mind said to me when I was alone, so until I could figure out how to make those voices say nicer things to me, I just started listening to more interesting things that would hold my attention more. It's not always so easy to change the things that your mind says to you, so I just drown them out until I forget that they exist.

Most Some people would call this running from the problem, but don't worry, booking my next therapy appointment is on my to-do list.

There is magic in investing time and energy into yourself. At some point, you will come to realize that the one person you HAVE to spend the rest of your life is YOU. Do you want to hate that person the whole time? It'll be time to forgive, change, or both.

Hobbies and passions are a lot more important than you'd think. It wasn't until I started learning about life purpose that I started realizing how much your hobbies have to do with who you are, and how if you don't have passion about something, it's kind of noticeable.

The most important thing to learn is that you have to be able to tolerate yourself. You don't need to love that person just yet, but while you work on it, at least try to like them. From what I've experienced, forgiveness gets easier with time. I don't know when I'll truly be able to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made, but I'm mature enough now to recognize and celebrate the goals I've achieved.

Try to think about your inner self as some other person — somebody that you love. Then speak accordingly.

Over the last seven (or so) years, I've learned a lot about being by myself. It can be hard, but it's something that you need to learn eventually.

So I think back to January of 2023, and I think about how proud I was of myself then, and I'm even prouder now. Life is constant learning and growth that never stops. About sixteen months later, I feel like I'm just getting better at being alone and relying on myself.

Remember that solitude can be an opportunity to discover more about yourself and what you need. When you're alone, you can start to understand how to thrive on your own terms.

So spend your next empty afternoon by yourself and do something you love. The best company is the one you keep with yourself. Here's to embracing solitude, thriving on our own terms, and discovering the magic of self-reliance.