Reclaiming Self-Worth

Part I

The drums beat:

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom!

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom!

Rhythmically grounding my body, calmly opening my mind. The trance had begun. I felt the shift from this reality into another. If felt like walking through fog; Hazy, light yet dense. I knew my body would be safe. I felt the presence of love all around it. True love. The kind experienced in oneness, in Source. And with that knowing of protection, my soul dove into my heart without looking back, swimming effortlessly through the gateway into the other realm. The one I was entering to reclaim my self-worth.

Earlier that day I was a mess. Struggling to stay present. Crying sporadically. Messing up at work left and right. My mind kept drifting back and back and back replaying all the mistakes made. The ones my ex made. The ones I made. The lies. The hurt. The loss. The past was my present and it was a messy one. I couldn’t do this anymore. I fell to my knees, and I prayed. I prayed hard. Sobbing. Lost. Broken. I prayed from my throbbing heart. My Soul leapt up to the heavens to personally hand deliver the prayer my heart howled so desperately for.

I opened my eyes. It was 4:44pm. I smiled. That number was my protection number. It always showed up as a reminder from my angels that I was safe. I took a deep breathe in and a longer exhale out. I was safe.

“Yes, you are safe my child. What you seek is your self-worth. You must reclaim it in the spirit realm for it to transcend into the physical. For although your body is very much in the physical, your soul is very much in the spiritual and that paves the way for what you know as your physical reality.”

I froze. Not out of fear, but awe. I should explain. I was used to things of this sort, but visually not auditory. Since I was a kid, I saw things in my mind’s eye. Music would come to me in the form of pictures. Dreams showed me the future. Gazing into another’s eyes gave me a view of their soul. But this was the first time I heard a voice. It was different than my own. It was soft yet stern. Masculine yet feminine. It vibrated love throughout my whole body. Unconditional true love.

“How?” I uttered baffled. “How do I get there? What do I do?”

“Let your soul do the work. Enter the place of the spiritual through your heart. That will be the gateway that will lead you to Mother Mary’s abundant garden. That is the safest place for this exchange. Once there, allow your soul to call the soul of your ex. You have his self-worth in your heart and yours in his. If you want yours back, you must give him his first. It is a fair trade.”

It all made sense. My mind fluttered back though time remembering all the times I had given him my self-worth and the times he gave me his. Not out of a conscious place, but through our insecurities. We were unaware of what we were doing, but there was a way to fix it. A way for us both to reclaim what was rightfully ours. A way for us both to heal.

I knew what I had to do. “Thank you!” I heard myself cry out as I clasped my hands over my heart and sent love and gratitude straight to Source. I cleared my calendar, and I cleared my space to prepare for my soul’s journey into the unknown and to give and retrieve what was missing for two souls, self-worth.

Part II

The chirp of a bird rang clear in my ears. Where was I? Was I back in Minneapolis? A memory flashed through my mind. I was trudging through the snow, face aimed down avoiding the wind’s icy sharp bite. Then the chirp of a bird. It shocked my system. The first sound of life I had heard in months. I lifted my head to the sun emerging through the clouds and there it was, a little blue bird illuminated from the gold of the Sun. Spring was finally emerging. But then as if time fast forwarded all at once, the snow instantaneously melted. Strange plants and giant flowers sprung from the ground filling the scene with rich greens and bright colors. But wait…was I in Costa Rica? As if in response to my thought, a capuchin monkey swung into my view from a tropical tree in front of me. What on Earth was going on? I heard a gentle laugh from behind me. I turned around and saw the little blue bird from earlier looking straight at me. Only it wasn’t a bird. As if mist rolled in hazing the view, the once bird was now transformed into a beautiful woman wrapped in a deep blue robe. Her skin glowed a warm golden hue as if the sun was rising from inside her. “This all makes sense because you are not on Earth,” she sweetly explained as her kind eyes bore into mine. “Mother Mary!” I cried out. Within that instant I remembered it all. My soul was in the Spirit world, specifically Mother Mary’s abundant garden. I had put my body and mind in a trance, so my soul could journey into another realm to meet the soul of my ex. It was here we could give each other back our self-worth under the guidance and protection of the Holy Mother herself. “Yes child,” she smiled warmly at me. I looked around. The scenery became more and more familiar. “I’ve been here before, haven’t I?” I stuttered. “Yes,” she said simply, “many times.” I remembered. This was where my soul would go in between lives. It was my home in a sense. All my prior lives flashed before me as if watching a bunch of movies simultaneously on the big screen. The same theme emerged in all, a lack of self-worth and one between me and the soul I knew as my ex in this life. This was both of our karmic lessons that kept repeating itself in each life until learned. Now was the time for the ending scene of this film, so that we could star in a different one. I was ready for a new role as I knew he was. “How do I call his soul here?” I asked. “Use your voice,” she said cryptically, and yet I knew exactly what she meant. I sang. I sang with emotions and colors and energy. No actual words were uttered, but the sound echoed from my heart to his. I felt a vibration in his recognition and then his soul appeared as if it was there the whole time shining as bright as the North star.

There was no confusion on his end. He looked me straight in the soul knowing exactly why he was here. It was as if he was the one waiting for me. I sighed releasing the floodgate of emotions that overcame me and then I reached into my heart. I felt it beating thump, thump, thump…but there was a moment in between the beats, that quiet space, where I felt his self-worth hiding. I gently pulled it out and held it out in front of him. “This belongs to you,” I said breaking the silence that distanced us. In that moment the air became alive and electric. His soul instantly recognized a part of itself. He took it from my hands and stared at it miraculously for a few moments before putting it into his heart. He smiled. It was like watching a million miracles happen at once. I had never seen a genuine smile like that grace his face in the physical world. I knew a giant shift had just occurred. With gratitude, he reached into his own heart and pulled out my self-worth, which was hidden in the stillness between the beats. The air began to swirl and vibrate all around us. I had never seen anything so beautiful and pure. I gingerly took it from his hands and maternally held it to my chest as if it were a newborn baby. I whispered a promise that from here on out it would always be safe with me. As in response, I felt it grow stronger and glow brighter than it had just a few moments before. I smiled and lovingly put it back where it belonged into my beating heart where it nestled into the silence in between. It felt as if a million miracles were happening at once.

With the love of a thousand mothers, Mother Mary engulfed us both in a giant bear hug exclaiming, “My children, I am so proud of you both!” It felt as if we were all connected. All one in this wholesome embrace. My ex was looking at me intently and I stared back at him. There was deep forgiveness in his eyes, and I realized the same forgiveness was radiating out of mine. When we consciously gave each other back the parts of ourselves we begrudgingly gave away, it healed another aspect of us. There was no more regret. No more anger. No more hate. Only love and appreciation. I wondered if these same feelings and realizations would translate to the physical world. Then as if my mind was being read, Mother Mary released us both from her embrace and said, “Now children. What you have done in the spiritual is a true miracle and has shifted your realities as you know it. You have proven that you have learned your karmic lesson that has followed you for lifetimes; however, there is still more work to be done. The work you have done in the spiritual, you must also do in the physical.” I was confused, “But if we did the work in the spiritual wouldn’t that mean that the healing should transcend to the physical?” She smiled her warm smile, “Yes child, but action must be done in the physical to show your soul you are committed to your self-worth just as you did in the spiritual. An action step was taken in the spiritual and so an action step must be taken in the physical. That is what is meant by as above so below in this case. It will, however, be easier because you have already done half the work in this realm. I understood. I saw my ex shaking his head in understanding as well. “And so it is my children,” Mother Mary concluded. “I will make sure your souls make it back safely to your bodies, but first I’ll give you a few moments to say goodbye if you wish.” And with that she disappeared into the mist leaving us by ourselves to say anything that was left to say. “It’s good to see you Cait,” he said in a deep soothing tone. “It’s good to see you too Nick. Soul to soul,” I said with sincerity in my voice and then what seemed out of nowhere, I started balling. I didn’t even know souls could cry, but there I was as if a waterfall had burst inside of me flooding its way out. This cry was different though than the one I experienced earlier in the physical. In the physical, I felt lost and weak. This cry felt cleansing and with each tear I felt stronger and more connected to myself. I realized over lifetimes I had hidden many emotions behind a dam not able to deal with them, but the moment our souls connected in a true intimate way, I was able to let go and experience all the feelings I had hidden. He smiled, “I was waiting for you to do that.” I laughed in between tears, “You could cry too you know.” He looked at me with care in his eyes, “I’ve cried enough in the physical to last lifetimes. What is needed now is to be present with you while you release all you’ve repressed. These are the new parts of ourselves that have been born from ending our old karmic patterns.” The tears finally stopped flowing and all that was left was laughter. “When did you get so wise?” I teased. He smirked, “I’ve always been wise, you just never noticed.” I laughed harder. “Hey Nick, how about in the next life we ditch this whole karmic drama we’ve been doing and take on the role of mentor and friend for each other? I think we’ve earned it.” He smiled, “I like the sound of that, friends and mentors. No complications of our we friends or are we lovers drama.” “Exactly,” I excitedly declared, “Just soul friends offering each other wholesome love, comfort, and guidance in the next life.” “Deal,” he said. “Deal,” I agreed. We completed our soul agreement with a loving embrace then the next thing I knew I woke up in my body back in my room and somehow it was still 4:44pm.

Part III

I woke up to the sun gently caressing my face and the roosters lazily cock-a-doodle-doing in the background. I stretched my body and grinned. Had it already been a year since that shamanic journey to reclaim my self-worth? Since then, my life in this physical reality was filled with serendipitous people, situations, and blessings. One of these happenstances was being introduced to a real-life Mother Mary by an angel of a friend. Through the generosity of her heart, she offered me a place to live on her animal sanctuary in exchange for helping take care of the animals. The elevation was 4,444 feet. I graciously accepted and her sanctuary became my own sanctuary of healing and growth. During that time, I made a vow to prove to my soul my self-worth was in good hands, quite literally. I became a writer and committed myself to writing soulful things that would help people of all ages heal and grow. An alert on my phone brought me out of my thoughts and back to the present. I clicked on it to see what it was and let out a yelp of joy. It was an e-mail announcing Nick’s website had officially launched with his newest photography. Life had seemed to be serendipitous for him as well after the exchange of our self-worth. He sold most of his belongings, bought a plane ticket to some country in the middle of nowhere and started photographing real life situations the rest of the world ignored. His photography brought real issues to light. He was even published in magazines such as National Geographic. I clicked on his updated website and scrolled through his newest photographs impressed with how he captured emotions and authenticity. He had a unique style that I admired and appreciated. I found myself getting lost in thought again, but then realized the time. “The mail!” I yelled, “It must be here by now!” I flew out in a hurry barely scooping on my boots running all the way down the street to the community mailboxes in my pajamas. The lock was on the mailbox, a sign that something of importance was in there. My hands shook as I unlocked it. And there it was wrapped perfectly and patiently waiting to be opened by me. I gently grabbed the package and then with a scream of delight ran all the way back to the Ranch with my treasure. I was able to ground the excitement as I said a little prayer of gratitude, but then ripped open the package as if I was a crazed five year old on Christmas morning. And there it was, staring back at me was my baby, my creation. It had taken 9 months to gestate and was now born into the world. The title read, “A Soul’s Memoir” and the author Caitlin O___. My first published book! I felt my self-worth rejoice and leap out of hiding from the silence between heart beats to beat right alongside my beaming heart.

The End.