As my life neared the looming new year the wind was howling hungrily. I could smell snow on the tips of the wind’s tresses.
The winds of change, that familiar voice was whispering fondly.
The higher self, the deep inner self, that lives in that timeless space. Stardust safely encased in the womb of my flesh hidden from the chaos of this outer world. I had lived in complete and utter chaos for so long, internally letting the waves toss me but I was ready for emergence.
It seemed I had just been letting reality happen to my spirit, I was ready for this divine conversation this year and I was going to stand up for myself.
We all adapt to the situations we find ourselves in to survive but I wanted to thrive. I had heard it was possible if you have this intangible treasure called, resilience.
This year I decided to be righteous and radical by vowing to love myself.
Finally. The inner self sighed as my material being reached out to align and bring forth my rebirth…I could not believe I made it out…
Just for some background on who I used to be…
I sometimes wonder with feverish curiosity what kind of insanity inspired my spirit to be born into such boldness and freedom, all I had was myself in those days. I was the unwanted divine accident born out of an addict's womb. I had no mother or father.
I was someone who was righteous without the meat to back the bones, and so very confused. I cried some orphan tears after foster care and my guardian abandoning me. I lingered, haunting the house until I found the bravery to leave. I was sixteen, this was my introduction into adulthood.
I was utterly alone. I could not hear that guiding voice inside just yet, it was buried under pain with so much more trauma to come. I surfed couches like a beach bum and lived out of a backpack until very recently. With nowhere to go I hitchhiked through every state.
Let us just say I am thankful my spirit had not been severed from my body by one evil or another so I could deliver this tale.
I still have my hiking backpack, like some twisted form of a security blanket but it is not a part of me anymore and this new year I realized, I do not need it anymore and I will never be that person again.
There is great stigma around homelessness because people of poverty end up there addicted to something or other, but I did not even realize I was homeless until three years ago when I started feeling the need to “go home”. I was ready to be normal, although I could not recall what it tasted like.
I was out in the middle of an ocean with no land in site and no recollection of where safe shores may be or what they would glimmer like in the distance but this year, I just started swimming.
Since, I have become stoic and do not cry anymore orphan tears. I made this year of my life about self-care and self-empowerment and that is so much farther than I ever thought I would get with the circumstances I was born into. It was not easy to go from the streets and woods to moving inside and taking care of myself but that is the great leap I made this year after lots of failure and disrespect.
This year instead of sleeping on a yoga mat in a sleeping bag I sleep on a mattress with a mountain of pillows fit for a king or queen. I sleep there safely with gratitude in my heart, not catnapping with a knife under my pillow. I have a closet where my clothes do not tatter into rags held together by the threads of hopes and dreams.
I can own more than one pair of shoes and whatever I can carry on my back.
Yes, I am blessed, but I got here from rock bottom through clarity of vision, motivation, and the power of positive thinking.
I lived in a tent in the snow when my womb was so round and full of my daughter, sleeping on the ground, and walking the six-mile journey for supplies.
She turns two next month and she has everything she needs.
I work nights. I traded in all my frantic freedom and lessons learned for student loans and time spent writing memoir piece or writing for scholarships. Everything has changed for me this year, in the three weeks since I made the vow to dedicate myself to creating long-lasting change.
Anything is possible.
My success is unheard of after a decade of homelessness, mental illness, and very little support but I am employed, I volunteer, I go to school, I am a parent, I’m your neighbor you say terrible things about the homeless population to because I look normal.
These days I dream of owning a home, paying the residue of debt that education leaves behind, having enough to help others, and becoming a journalist/blogger/graphic artist/small business owner and not where my next meal or shower is coming from.
This is my first blogging post and I am happy to begin this journey here on Vocal. I have stories I need to tell, perspectives I wish to share with you all.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I am so thankful to breathe in this new year. The more I practice self-care the more I am moving towards the best version of myself and away from the past. Make this year about being love, light, and healing. Being kind to everyone includes being kind to yourself and recycling, transmuting, filling yourself with energy.
I wish that for each one of you. Feel better this year.
Make this year, THE YEAR.
May my journey offer you some inspiration, please.
Never lose hope that things can get better or turn out for the best.
Whatever the intention may be, listen closely and accept that you deserve it.
If you know what it’s like to walk through hell while you pray for the forces that be to gift you a new door to open don’t forget, you can make it better.
You are powerful.
Believing in yourself is the key.
You never know where the origins lie when you meet someone. Show them kindness. There is no excuse great enough to stop you from letting your kindness show.
Your kindness just might save a life or inspire someone to create a new one.