Preparation

So over the past two years I really feel like I've been in a slump, compared to others I'm sure I was excelling because that's always how I've been. I was just so down and hard on myself but now I see how great my life is, every single day I think how grateful I am to live in this gorgeous apartment with this man I am so in love with. I haven't ever gone hungry or cold. We've never missed a bill. I have an amazing life and it only makes me think how much better it's gonna get, I'm working hard every day to make money and save for my future and now I'm applied to college and registered for classes.

It feels like life moves so fast, I remember sitting in my childhood bedroom dreaming of this exact moment in my life and sometimes I feel frozen. You know, that gut - wrenching feeling in your stomach as the world begins to spin and things don't make sense anymore. It makes me feel like literally I can't breath, my heart beats so hard I can feel it all through my veins. It makes me want to crawl into a ball and just disappear and when I can't do that it makes me want to hit, punch, scream, anything to distract from this feeling. They tell me it's called General Anxiety Disorder, mainly because it's almost constant and flares up out of nowhere.

So I guess where this is: me preparing to learn more and more but most importantly better myself every day, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I used to be an all honors student, my lowest grade was a C and I was devastated to get it. Then I finished high school through online school, and as weird as it is I've been beating myself up for it for years. I just get into my head that because I didn't do high school like "normal" people I'm somehow less qualified or intelligent, which I've been told by many is not true. Now I've been out of school for a while and I'm trying to get back into the swing of things, that's a big part of me starting this blog. Making a commitment to myself to write something every week is going to prepare me for writing all those college essay's in my future, plus I think it will be good for my soul and even confidence.

I've thought about starting a blog for some time because I've always loved writing, I cant tell you how many novel ideas I have flying around my head. So this is my commitment not only to write more consistently but also to improve my writing. Something I'm learning is you can't talk about it you gotta be about it; you can sit on the couch and tell everyone what you're going to do but until you get up and do it they won't care. Life isn't only our actions and decisions but also our inactions or what we choose not to do. Just like everybody else I have fears of being judged or misunderstood and to be honest lately I haven't really wanted myself on the internet at all because of that. I feel like social media has really taken over society, it scares me how much people care about likes and comments and so on and so forth because it's just not real life (not to mention it literally never disappears). I think I had to be reminded that even though the internet can do a lot of harm it can also help and be a great resource. Again it's all in the actions we choose to make, we can be awful or we can spread love.

Overall the only way to really prepare for the future is to be the best you in this moment, for the only time you can change things is now. Think about that, the only way to help yourself in the future is to do stuff in this moment to make your life easier when hard times come. Like I can decide to eat a fruit salad rather than having the whole bag of hot fries for a snack or even do my chores sooner rather than later. It can be hard because I usually just want to do what feels good to me in the moment, like sit on my phone and watch you tube rather than to paint or read instead but in the end the latter always makes me feel better. What may feel good to me right now will make my future self feel even worse. I think that's part of growing up, choosing what may not feel good but ultimately it will do good for you.