Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who loved writing, dancing and singing; but, there was a problem.

That little girl was bullied.

She didn't have many friends. She was picked on for being too sensitive, and for her love of singing, dancing and stories. They didn't stop there; they picked on her clothes, her body, her hair, her face, and even her personality. She was a very sensitive little girl, who was very much loved by all of her teachers, though she hated school because that was where the bullying was worse. She loved learning, even though she felt dumb at everything, and her teachers even spoke highly of her.

Her teachers loved the stories she wrote in her English classes, and her singing teacher deeply admired her singing voice.

One Christmas she fell really unwell, because of the lead that was discovered in the school water. She nearly died because of it, and she had to fight back for the next six weeks of her life. Her singing teacher was heartbroken, because the school Christmas concert was only in a weeks time. She was his best singer, and she was supposed to be the lead singer. Sadly, the concert had to go ahead without her, but she did get the choir songs and script from school. The little girl was heartbroken, but she knew that she had to get well.

When she finally healed, Christmas was over, and she knew that she had to go to school. She hated that idea, because she knew that the bullies were going to hurt her again, and she did not know how to tell anyone.

It wasn't long before the bullying started to get to her. It tore her confidence and self-esteem apart. She spent all of her school life hiding in the toilets crying, and skipping maths in particular, as she had learning disabilities and that was where the bullying was worse; especially as she was in the very bottom sets.

By the time she hit her teens, she was secretly self-harming and dieting. She started skipping school more, and getting into fights with everyone. She thought that by being slimmer, prettier and tougher that the bullying would just stop, but it didn't.

Eventually, she tried telling the teachers at school as they were concerned about her behaviour, but another problem had occurred.

The teachers started blaming her for causing the fights, because the only way to defend herself was to fight back.

She hated fighting; it was against everything she believed in. She had been taught not to hit others, and that violence was wrong. However, it was the only way she could defend herself.

The self-harm became worse, and her parents did not know about it. She was bullied at school, and eventually at home. The teenager started feeling unsafe making friends, and unsafe taking the walks that she loved so much. She spent most of her time, looking over her shoulder, and eventually she stopped trying to make friends, altogether.

Her temper was getting worse, and she knew that her parents were finding it hard to handle her.

"Toughen up," they often told her.

The truth is, it wasn't in her nature to be tough, and she did not want to change for the bullies.

She just wanted to be accepted for herself.

She spent most of her nights hiding bruises and scars under makeup. She even considered plastic surgery to hide her face, and she hated herself so much that she started behaving like the bullies, just to fit in.

She spent most of her pocket money on make up just to cover the scars, especially the self-harm scars because she knew that nobody would understand those, and that she would just get into trouble.

She used to love shorts and mini-skirts, but she soon swapped those for trousers just to hide the bruises, because bruises made the bullies pick on her more.

When school-leavers day came, she felt the biggest relief she had ever felt in her young life. She thought that the bullying would stop, but it didn't.

She left school at just fifteen years old, because her date of birth did not fall on the right day for school leavers.

She desperately wanted to be a writer and a singer, but money was hard on the homefront, and her parents could not afford music school, college, oe university.

She ended up being thrown from pillar to post, doing courses she did not truly want to do, and not being able to sustain them. She also tried a variety of jobs, including those her parents encouraged her to try, but she ended up leaving them fast; one because she lacked attention for them, and two because the managers did not think those jobs were right for her.

The bullying continued throughout those years, well into her adulthood; and she developed behaviours that she was unaware of, that led to her being in toxic relationships with partners who did not have her best interests at heart, but only wanted to abuse her.

She started to think that love was abuse, because every relationship ended with her being beaten, emotionally abused or both, and almost every friendship was the same.

By the time she had her first baby, she was a mess.

She loved her children very much, but she struggled hard, both mentally and physically. She enjoyed caring for them, but she let every partner walk all over her because she did not know how to love herself.

As her children grew, she struggled with boundaries, worrying that they too would turn violent.

The violence only started calming after she left her hometown, but the emotional abuse went on for many, long decades afterwards.

Her children ended up in care twice, because the local authorities never believed her, and after that; she spent all her time, silently taking it because that was all she started to think she was worth.

It became a normal way of life, having to bow down and do what everyone else told her.

So normal...she forgot who she was, and she started seriously destroying herself rather than looking after herself.

She stopped eating, continued self-harming, over exercising, and all she saw in the mirror was fat. She thought she was thick, and that the only way to survive was to continue letting everyone over power her.

She did it to keep the peace.

It wasn't really peace though was it? How could it be peace, if she could not be herself?

Eventually she accepted help. She enjoyed those sessions until she was suspended for being unwell, and she attended every single one of them, unless she had contact with her children.

That was difficult, because if she missed therapy, she was accused of not trying, and if she missed seeing her children, the local authority saw her as uncaring, even though they wouldn't separate the days.

She lost everything, including a child even though she tried hard to make things right, but in the eyes of the local authority, and others involved in that time; nothing was good enough.

She felt she was not good enough, then something changed...

After being suspended from therapy for the most illogical reason, and after losing all her children to the system, including one who was adopted;

she had decided that enough was enough.

She made a plan.

She started singing again

She started working on her mental health and body image, independently

She restricted guidance to her doctor only

And she made her own care plan to wellness.

She started talking to different people other than those she usually socialized with, changing her friends to those who would give true opinions, without abusing her, even if some were negative.

This helped her confidence because these people did not make her feel completely bad about herself, and they would also sing with her.

They helped her recognise that she was beautiful inside out.

She started eating and balancing it with exercise, not just housework but dancing, yoga, pilates, and using her treadmill.

She had to start slow with food, so she started by making very small portions of foods she loved, and increased them when she started enjoying them more, adding variety as she went. She combined exercise with food, three times a week, and started noticing the wonderful impact it had on her energy levels and her body.

She hated her jelly-mom stomach, but she started loving other parts of herself; and feeling good, learning to accept her c-section stomach even if it would never go back to being completely flat.

She started doing writing courses, singing lessons, and finally published a book (link in my bio).

She finally became so proud of herself, flaws and all, that now she can handle what life throws at her, even when she has setbacks.

And finally...

Despite the move causing her unfortunate delay, she is in the process of releasing a first cover song, and a song she wrote herself, despite needing someone else to play the music for her.

This woman is proud of herself, and she does not need anyone to tell her why.