Ok to Not Be Ok, Please Do Not Forget That

Today was a day off. Walking the kids to school gave me chance to sit in my own head and that is not always a good thing. Readers of my previous articles will know what happened a few weeks ago now and today was a bit of a hit.

I had to walk past my ex-employer's house after seeing my ex-employer's family as well. I am feeling a bit numb and a bit sick to be quite honest and it left me feeling a bit bereft. It seems from the outside that I see no impact on everything that happened to me and to the business. I do not want to be petty but it feels as though I am the only one who has really bore the brunt of it all. The landlord has never paid me the holiday pay I was owed despite never had a days holiday or days sick whilst working for the establishment because there seems to be no contract, so if I can offer my first piece of advice. When getting a job, don't be thick like me and take people at face value. Make sure you get a contract and you know your rights. I seem to have none. We nearly lost our house twice due to the actions of him and his pig headed attitude.

My car is off the road. We have barely any money. We booked a holiday last year and it was paid off by the family but then two days before the holiday because why else could we not have any more bad luck, the car goes off the road. Two days before we are due to drive all the way to Scotland from our pretty southern spot in England and we have no car at all!

My poor kids have been through enough with our constant financial struggle and we did manage to find a way on holiday but still no money. Tickets to Edinburgh Zoo had luckily been pre-booked way in advance at a point where we had a small amount of money and yet we had a truly wonderful holiday because our kids have too mature a head on their shoulders that they do appreciate the smaller things. Yes we had no money but we had no money by a beach in Scotland, we could make our own fun and we managed to scrape by food to have a good load of munch. Those kids were a light on that holiday. No words for truly how amazing they were and made what could have been a pretty crummy holiday one to remember. That's why things are ok.

We are not in a great position although somehow we have managed to scrape through and get a long-term tenancy on the house so we are safe which is amazing! So so amazing!

Mike. Michael. The husband the man whom whilst we were on holiday celebrated putting up with me for ten years in marriage. He is a rock. He is amazing. We did not get the chance to do anything for our celebration but we did not celebrate whilst we were in Scotland. That's why things are ok.

I am in a job I think I am doing ok at. I am earning a decent wage after all the education I have gone through and had my kids see me do. They can now see that it has paid off and that school work is worthwhile. That's why things are ok.

I am constantly feeling sick. I hate going out on my own because I am terrified I am going to run into the man who caused all this in the first place. No one knows who he is. He is a ghost and I am the leftover for just wanting a good night. That is why things are not ok.

My medication is very up and down but as a result and the fluctuations have caused a lovely case of havoc with my hormones. My monthly visit from Aunt Irma is all kinds of awful and I do not know how to get through the next however many years with such a massive extreme of mood swings and effort just suffocating. If it is as awful as it is for me I cannot imagine how I must be on everyone else and the constant snapping and biting at people! That is why things are not ok.

But you know what? I have that wonderful support network but I do have my struggles. Just a tip of the iceberg of how things are really cannot begin to describe how I am not ok at all. Yet I know I can do all of this because when that struggle does get too much, I have my family. I have my friends. What more does a person need in life? They are there when it's not ok but they don't make me feel ashamed to not be ok and it's ok for you to not be ok too!! Never ever forget that!!

LOVE YOU LOTS!!