My Oasis

What does it mean to be at peace? I feel like there are many answers to that question and some may even find the question itself disturbing. I don’t know about you but I automatically think of someone who has died. After all, we describe our dead loved ones as “being at peace” or we wish that they “rest in peace.” It may even prompt someone to ask is it even possible to be at peace when one is still alive?

Aside from the darker connotations, there are a multitude of “peaceful” ideas or thoughts that people may have. For me, I always think of nature. While it’s not always peaceful, it brings me comfort and makes me feel connected to the earth and therefore somewhat, with life.

Not to be morbid but does anyone else think and dwell about death a lot? I remember having panic attacks as a kid thinking about the prospect of dying one day. It’s possible that it had a lot to do with the fact that I was diagnosed with asthma and allergies at age 5 and had had multiple scary attacks in which I panicked, making things worse, so the potential for death weighed heavily. My way of dealing with it was to try not to think about it.

At a young age, I began helping my grandfather in his garden. As the oldest grandchild I was tasked with the responsibility of helping my grandfather with whatever he needed help with while ensuring he didn’t overdo things so I was constantly sending him to take a break in the truck with the AC while I continued the work. I learned the value of hard work and my family and I reaped the rewards in the way of almost unlimited vegetables each year we were living in Maine. As it turned out, that was spotty due to my dad being in the service and us moving frequently. I was actually born in Maine but we moved to Florida after my younger sister was born and we lived there for 7 years during which time my youngest sister was born. We returned home shortly before I was 9 then stayed until I was 14 at which point we moved to Spain.

Being a Navy brat can be tough but there’s a built in support system that keeps you going. Living in another country as a teenager can be equally scary and almost intoxicating. I grew up a lot in two and a half years but was still not mature enough to raise a child of my own which is what I ended up doing after our return from Spain.

I had the misfortune to fall for an older man that was less mature than I was so I became a single parent at the age of 17. I’m not going to outline all the difficulties I dealt with raising a child by myself but I will say that my son is incredibly mature, has successfully graduated from college with a BA and, what’s even more important, is happy.

It seems like I’ve had anxiety all my life but I feel like things really started with my asthma because not being able to breathe right can be panic inspiring. I tried medication when my son was young but I didn’t get good results so I ended up utilizing other methods such as meditation, talk therapy and writing.

Whenever I try to think about the most peaceful times in my life, I always think about gardening. My grandfather kept a garden every year until he died and only then because I did everything for him while he sat, watched and directed. Sadly, he passed away on Valentines Day in 2000 after 4 months of being bedridden but I took care of him so that he was able to pass peacefully at home like he wanted.

Fast forward 20 years and until last year I hadn’t even attempted my very own garden. Even then, I’m not sure that I would actually call it a garden. Before continuing, I should introduce a couple of family members.

First, there is my Aunt Cindi who is my mother’s sister and no relation to the grandfather mentioned previously though she and he were good friends. Next is my cousin Skot, son of my Aunt Mary who is my father’s sister so my grandfather is also his grandfather. We’re a close family and my Aunt Cindi considers my cousin as her nephew despite not being blood relatives.

Last year my Aunt Cindi hired my cousin Skot to build her 4 planters; 3 two tiers where you can fit 4 five gallon buckets per tier and one 3 tier planter. Since she wasn’t ready to use them she lent one 2 tier planter to me and I took full advantage. I planted 4 yellow zucchinis, one potato, one onion and six cherry tomatoes (some I planted in smaller containers around the planter.) I was shocked at how well things went though I was frustrated with the limitations I had. I rent and am limited in space but as it turns out, the 3 tier planter is too tall for my aunt to use so this year she GAVE me her 3 tier.

My minor success last year made me even more determined to try again this year. I was so excited about starting my garden this year but then I ended up in the hospital with multiple pulmonary embolisms at the end of April. Things have been really hard and recovery has been challenging. At first, I didn’t think I’d be able to have a garden this year at all because I’ve been so low on energy. It’s hard to find motivation or energy to do anything when your body is struggling to obtain and process oxygen. Something that should be so simple has a strange tendency to occupy your time.

Worse is the anxiety and sheer terror especially when dealing with such a serious health problem. It makes one, not just think about, but dwell on one's own mortality. After a very uncomfortable incident in which I freaked out and disconnected my own IV so that I could speed up my departure from the hospital and ended up bleeding all over the place, my doctor was very helpful in assisting me in obtaining anxiety meds.

Upon returning home I had to figure out how to live my life in a restricted manner until I am fully recovered. I’m still struggling with figuring out my anxiety medication but I needed to find something that could assist me a bit more naturally so I decided to focus on starting another garden.

The first challenge was getting the new planter to my house. With the use of my Aunt’s truck, I’m very proud to say that I was somehow able to maneuver it into and out of the truck by myself. The next challenge was getting the soil into my vehicle but I’m not going to go into the tedious details of how that happened. Instead, I’ll explain how I filled the buckets out of my car because I couldn’t lift the bags out myself (and made a massive mess) then had to go get more soil because I didn’t have enough. Fortunately, I was able to get someone to help me get them into my car after which I proceeded to fill the rest of the buckets and repot the seedlings I purchased.

This year, I chose to plant 2 cherry tomatoes, 2 green beans, 2 cucumbers, 2 green zucchini’s, 2 broccoli and 2 jalapeños. A couple of weeks later I attended a fundraiser and purchased a small pumpkin plant and a big boy tomato plant that I’ve since repotted in large pots and placed around the planter.

Why do I find this so peaceful?

If you’ve never successfully grown your own food, it’s hard to imagine the satisfaction of watching what started as a tiny seedling grow and start producing something edible. I have something to look forward to every day because each day there’s something new to discover from the first flowering to the actual growth of vegetables.

My “garden” is my happy place. Just looking at it brings me comfort. I have created a tiny oasis that sustains my spirit as much as it does my stomach.

As things stand, my green beans are about done producing as are my zucchini. I’m expecting some more cucumbers but have already picked quite a few. I harvested one of my broccoli plants early but will be waiting a bit longer for the other and though I’ve already picked several jalapeños there are quite a few more that I’m waiting on. My cherry tomatoes are extremely numerous but it’s taking them quite a while to ripen. I’ve got several big boy tomatoes but they too have yet to ripen. As for my pumpkin plant, I finally realized I had to pollinate them myself so there’s a little pumpkin growing nicely.

Some people would look at my “garden” and think that it’s probably more trouble than it’s worth. After all, I have to fill up my watering can several times to water everything every day and it’s really not producing enough food to warrant the start up cost or the effort. That being the case, why do I find it so satisfying? Why does it bring me such comfort and peace?

I feel like it brings me peace for many different reasons. I find satisfaction from being able to successfully grow something that I can eat. It makes me happy to be able to feed my family and friends something that I actually grew myself. More importantly, it makes me feel closer to my grandfather and reminds me that a big part of him is still living on through me and all the other people whose lives he touched. I’m taking the skills and knowledge he gave me and actually putting them to use.

I should probably mention that I have a BA in English Literature and a Masters in Special Education. I spent 6 years in college to get expensive pieces of paper that have opened zero doors for me. I feel like the knowledge I gleaned from my grandfather when I was young has been so much more useful and has made me feel more successful than any degree. And I learned it all from a man that dropped out of school in 9th grade so he could go to work to help support his family.

To answer the question I originally started with, I feel like peace is the feeling we get when we’re content with our lot in life. It’s really hard to achieve that in every aspect of life but we can either find or create our own little pockets of peace to re-energize ourselves if we really want to. All it takes is to find something that works for you and roll with it. I’m very fortunate that what brings me peace can soothe my soul as well as feeding my body.