Media-less

This year, I’m off of social media. Cold turkey. All apps were deleted January 3rd, and I haven’t looked back.

Okay I downloaded one app once for 2 hours because I sent out a customer satisfaction survey to my ex boyfriends for a PowerPoint night with my girlfriends. BUT THAT’S IT. And yes, I got responses. Eleven of them, to be exact. Only one rated me an 8/10 on the worst ex ever scale (10 being the highest). The rest gave me a solid 1-2. I digress.

I’m really not one for diet culture, but if I'm to compete with all of the other January diet culture, I’ll phrase it like this: HERE’S THE ONLY DETOX YOU’LL NEED IN 2021!! This is an easy “life hack” that will take you from drab to fab in weeks: the most effective and healthy “lifestyle” I’ve ever come across, and I don’t want to keep this a secret. Doctors hate me! Dietitians scratch their heads! The weight loss industry is panicking! And you can join me!

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I honestly thought about recounting my month of January without social media as if it were a diet plan, or a stupid article about standing on your head and doing apple cider vinegar shots to lose 4 pounds in one day. Like I said-- the competition in January for advice and inspiration writing is pretty stiff. In the end I decided that this time of year, the last thing anyone needs is more of that gross diet culture guilt disguised as positivity, even if it’s a joke.

Health is cool. Diets suck. We all deserve to accept ourselves and love our bodies— which is why, again, I highly recommend this social media “cleanse”. Let’s press on.

I have never been a person who’s been afraid of social media, or who’s considered social media something I was not responsible enough to use. I’ve made my share of mistakes on the internet, sure; I paid for those mistakes along the way through callouts and cancel culture and I and continued on living my life in blissful tiny squares, tweets, and shared posts. I thought that my online presence was liberating; I honestly thought that I felt joy and acceptance and connection through the hearts and thumbs ups and comments. But the world isn’t lived in 140 characters, and you can’t hide behind a keyboard in real life. In 2020, the movers and shakers rose to the top and screamed for all to hear, and I got to join them from behind my screen. In 2021, I join the movers and shakers in real life to see, feel, hear, and scream in real life. I will join as me, the me I know I am and the me I want to be.

Let me use this moment to tell you that I don't think everyone has to delete social media to be happy. I don't think I'm in the business of telling anyone much of anything about living their life: I'm drinking a cold coffee, I'm not wearing any underwear, and I just bought a pair of earrings that say "bitch" on them. I'm just saying: if you look at your social media and you don't know the person on screen, off screen or both... you have a problem.

Just before New Years this year, I sat on my couch, head in my hands, sobbing to my bewildered husband. He has just taken nearly the 4000th picture of me with me son in front of the Christmas tree, and as much as he was trying to be patient and understanding, I could see the frustration he tried desperately to hide from me. None of his pictures were right: I looked fat, I looked ugly, I didn’t look happy, it looked forced, it was a bad angle, the lighting was wrong, and finally, I just thanked him for trying and dismissed myself to go change out of anything resembling cute. “I guess I just don’t need to post a picture today,” I pouted, “or maybe there’s one that isn’t so bad.”

And suddenly, when the pressure of posting my picture was gone, I saw beauty and joy in all of them. I loved my smile, I loved the way my hair looked, I loved the memory I could now hold forever of my son on Christmas Eve reading a story with me. When it was just me who had to like it, I was able to love it, and yet when I was to face the world as me, I was never good enough. I realized the “joy” and “liberation” I felt online was actually my prison, and let me tell you, it was time for some major Shawshank shit.

What I realized was that my social media was all a projection of my pain: I either project and post what life would be like without my pain, or I project my pain onto others. I’ve faced moments where I've done my best to be accountable for my projections, but the truth is, the more time I spend on the internet, the more I question who it is I am being accountable for, anyway. Am I the person who hurt someone, or the person who felt horribly after? Am I the girl who makes them laugh or the girl who cries in the mirror? Why do the traits I feel I dislike the most staring me in the face the more I stare into the screen? Why do all my arguments take place in a chat box? Every thought that filled my mind, subconscious and conscious was all just... noise. Drama. It was no longer serving me. So deleted every single app, and I silenced the noise. I haven't missed it yet.

Interestingly enough, if you work in an office setting, you absolutely still get your daily dose of passive aggression, snide remarks, things you absolutely don’t care about, and the odd bit of gossip, so the withdrawals from the keyboard wars were not all that intolerable. Though I never thought I’d say I’d rather read an article about American Politics than the office email thread on water cooler money, but, here we are. And I’ve said it. And I’ve meant it. Right, then— we shall sashay.

I've been social media free for a month now and I have not once considered getting it back. I don't miss it at all, and I am finally doing the things I've wanted to do but never given proper energy to, like drawing, reading new books, trying snowshoeing, dog grooming, creating gothic makeup looks, and connecting with friends in a meaningful conversational way.

For the record, dog grooming was a nice attempt but will not be a hobby going forward. Plus, if we weren't on a social media cleanse in this house, I'm pretty sure my dog's yelp review would shut me down before I even got started. I did really well on her nails! I just got a little cocky with the whole leg hair trimming thing. Sorry again, Luna.

In just one month I've fostered accountability in a way that gives me 100% confirmation that I can and I will practice accountability, self love, compassion, and growth: by being the only version of me that exists. Face to face. At work, with my husband, with my family, with my therapist, with my friend group. I show up as me, I own my shit, and I try to make the space I occupy a decent place to be. I am the funny girl, and I am less and less the girl who cries in the mirror because the girl I see isn't comparing herself to hundreds of others, she's just happy to be herself. I spread kindness and communicate my thoughts in an authentic and respectful way. I am a mover, a shaker, a screamer, and I'm the best version of me I've ever been. I can send texts, voice notes, videos, songs, and podcasts to my friends if I need to share myself and express myself, and the thing is, they answer and make me feel heard and loved and appreciated more than any comment or like or heart ever did.

I'm not telling you to get off social media this year if it's bringing you joy, if it's truly serving you. But if it's not, join me. I promise you'll know right away if it was the right decision. You won't miss it. I don't. I am so happy to be media-less.