Losing 100 Pounds

I chose this photo for a reason. It is a stunning spot in the Canadian Rocky Mountains and I am thrilled that I got to take this picture. But every time I look at it, I am reminded of how utterly mortified I was while walking to the viewpoint. It was not a mountain hike. It was a well-maintained pathway in a popular tourist spot. Dozens of people were walking along with us, either returning from their trek to the top, or on their way up. It is high altitude, less oxygen, but no one has to wear any hiking gear or carry ropes. And I was heaving and gasping for breath. I couldn't stop myself from sounding like I was about to die. Older people were passing me, little kids were bounding by, while I could barely lift one foot in front of the other and constantly fought back tears. I was reminded of several other times that I was trying to get to a viewpoint for a nice photo (I LOVE photography), but I didn't think I was going to make it and ended up an embarrassed, sweaty mess. It's hard to think about. I have told other members of my weight loss group that I want to go back to Peyto Lake someday and march my way up that damned path and give myself a new memory of the same photo. A memory of how I gained physical strength and endurance along this journey. A happy, proud memory instead of one tarnished by shame. My husband told me that it really was a hard walk, he was huffing and puffing when he got to the stop too, but I know that I sounded like every breath was going to be my last one. I sounded like an old steam train, and I am not exaggerating. It was really awful.

The same thing happened to me when I went to Warwick Castle in England in 2005. It was such a cool castle, I was having a great time, and they were allowing people to climb up the watchtower and take photos from the parapet. It seemed like a good idea until I was only half way up and wanted to stop to catch my breath, but I couldn't. The stairwell inside the tower was only wide enough for one person and there was a steady stream of tourists coming up behind me. I was panicking, which of course made my breathing worse, and I had sweat pouring down my face. I was, again, mortified. When I finally got to the top, my friend was very concerned and quickly shuffled me to the side so I could catch my breath in the fresh air and be out of the way of everyone. I wanted to burst into tears and it took every ounce of control I had left to stop those tears.

I also have memories of an amusement ride not closing on my stomach and the ride operator practically climbing on top of me to shove down the bar with all his might. In front of hundreds of people. Another moment of being milliseconds away from bawling my face off. Times where I had to climb into the back seat of a friend's car and not being able to do up the seat belt (this is especially annoying with newer models setting off an alarm when a belt is not closed - I couldn't even fake having my seat belt on, and instead had to crush myself backwards and be in agony the entire trip). Times where I realized in 5 more lbs, I wouldn't be allowed on a ride anymore, or seeing a weight limit on a lawn chair I got as a gift and knowing I was actually too heavy for it. Breaking many chairs. Breaking step ladders. Watching a true crime show where the detective says "The suspect was a very large man! He was 6'2 and 220 lbs, not a person to mess with" - when I was over 250 lbs and only 5'5. Can you imagine how those things feel? You can if you have been or are an overweight person. It hurts and is humiliating.

I had to face facts. I was unhealthy. My body was starting to suffer more as the years went by. I was hurting myself by remaining at that weight. I just was. It's the truth and it's a fact. I have spoken about supporting the 'big and beautiful' movement, because we should not be judging each other based on looks at all. That's not a new idea. But I think we do have to face the facts of what excess weight does to the body. Fatty deposits around our organs, extra pressure on our joints, lower energy levels, possibly higher salt or sugar levels in our blood, difficulty breathing with exertion, and so on. I have met a lot of people who are very overweight or morbidly obese who always say their blood work and other tests come back great, so they aren't worried about their weight and see it as a license to carry on as they are. I am here to tell you that my blood work was stellar up until only a few months before my heart attack. Other than my usual low iron, my blood sugars, cholesterol and all the other fun stuff they look for was great. Amazing even. My mother always had her doctor saying that he can't believe a woman of her age and weight has such fantastic blood results. Right up into her 60s even though she was overweight almost her entire life, since childhood, and morbidly obese for about 35 years. I was morbidly obese (I am using that term to mean 100+ pounds above average weight) for over 15 years, maybe even 20. But we were rock stars with our medical checkups. Like thousands of others.

Or were we? I had two heart blockages lurking that weren't giving off enough signals in my blood yet. My mother had several issues lurking. And then everything hit at once like a freight train. My blood started to show early diabetes just three months before my heart attack, and my triglycerides were rising a little. My LDL was elevating but was still completely within the normal range. I even wore a 24 hour Holter monitor for my heart 11 months before my heart attack because I complained that I had been having a few palpitations, but it came back as completely normal. My point is, regular medical checkups and even some specialized things, do not always pick up illnesses that are hiding in the shadows. Continuing to eat copious amounts of unhealthy foods, or binges of too much sugar/fat that spike the blood and then plummet down low over and over is not going to support your health when you age or have a nasty surprise pop up. It just isn't. I don't want people to kid themselves like I was. I don't want people to have a false sense of security. I want them to be at their best, so if something happens, their body has a fighting chance. I was lucky, my heart attack happened when one blockage was only at 70% and the other 40-50%. The cardiologists said that it's rare for someone to have a heart attack at that level. Normally it's at 80-90% and the risk of dying explodes because the blood just cannot get through. But somehow my body freaked out at the blockage and gave me a few mild heart attacks before hitting me with a bigger one (when I wasn't listening the first couple of times *insert eye roll here*) and I was able to survive. If it had gone on much longer, while I was getting more and more unhealthy every day with out of control eating, I don't know if I would have been strong enough to survive. That scares the hell out of me.

However, I write this as I am 113 lbs lower than when I started my journey. I have so much more stamina, I can walk up hills without dying, I can even keep a steady pace and end up leaving people behind instead of being the one struggling and gasping at the back. I entered a 5km run and ran parts of it and walked parts. I ran across the finish line! RAN! I've walked well over 2 million steps this year, maybe over 3 million. I can run up my stairs. I can run around with the children I work with. I am planning to do a cart wheel when I hit my goal weight range in about 15 more lbs. I am finally able to jump without my ankles feeling like they are going to shatter. I haven't had to wear my wrist braces or my foot pads for six months or more. I am sleeping better. I rarely snore (my husband is thrilled haha). I have sleep apnea but it's so low, they don't even bother worrying about it, but last year I was probably severe. I have been dropping and cutting blood pressure medication as I go along. One pill my doctor completely removed is one I had been on for 25 years! I feel better, I am not in pain anywhere near like I used to be, and I AM going to climb to some viewpoints to take photos. I dream about places to go hiking to for photos. Like actually dream that at night, instead of dreams of despair and fright. I really hope that if you are reading this and you are struggling, that you can just put one foot in front of the other, and take it one meal at a time. It is so worth it! You are so worth it. It is not an overnight change and absolutely NO ONE is perfect at it. No one. I overate today, in fact. But I enjoyed my food choices and I have tomorrow all planned out and food prepped and ready to grab. So that I can make my way to Peyto Lake one day and crush that hike to take an updated version of the photo accompanying this article.