Life is a box of Crayons

When did all this start? I can no longer recall the last time I felt happy, or better yet the last time I felt okay. Is this all part of what everybody called “growing up”?

One summery afternoon in 2017, I wanted to disappear from this earth, not dying, but just hiding. I wanted to hide for a couple of years until everybody had forgotten this version of “Abby (me).” But I had no place to hide. So, I drove to the closest lake and took the longest walk of my life. As I am walking with my head down, I was thinking about how I can keep my head up. I had earphones on, but I didn’t play any music. The voices in my head were louder than any orchestra. Countless thoughts wander my mind like a maze with no exit. These thoughts weighed on me endlessly. I walk and walk, until I could no longer walk anymore. I spotted a bench rooted at the foot of a big tree. I walk over to take a seat. As I sat down, I look up and greeted the evening sky with my tear-filled eyes. I always thought the sky was blue until I saw the cloudless sunset. I stare at the burnt sky as it turns to charcoal. The sun was swallowed up whole by darkness, just like my happiness. Now, my day ended and my journey to capturing happiness began.

For as long as I can remember, I was always chasing after happiness like it was some sort of finish line. I thought I would be happy if I cross it, but I was wrong. “To find true happiness you have to love yourself...” I was told by many. I somehow unknowingly disguise selfishness as self-love. Blindly, I only cared for how I felt and how things would benefit me. I didn’t care about what others thought or said of me. Was I finally happy then? Absolutely not, I became more miserable. The more I try to love myself the more unhappy I became. My "self-love" has turned into a selfish monster that lived inside of me. Day by day the monster grew bigger and bigger. There was no one I can blame, it was my fault for feeding it constantly. When the selfish monster was fully grown, there was nothing that can satisfy its hunger anymore.

At last, I sacrificed myself to appease this monster. It devours me within seconds and I no longer exist. I was not dead, but I was also not alive. I now live inside the monster who used to live inside me. The monster was me and I was the monster. Only then did I see the damage this monster had created. From the broken relationships to the reflection in the mirror that I can no longer recognize, this was all caused by my selfishness. I realize I had to kill this monster from the inside out. After a long battle, the monster was finally dead. The space it used to fill is now uncluttered. It felt so empty. It wasn’t wrong for me to love myself, but it didn’t feel right either. It was like being itchy but no matter where you scratch, it wasn’t the spot. In this journey to finding happiness I got lost, or more so, that I lost. So, I roam aimlessly with no direction or destination.

One wintery morning, I went hiking alone. I walk up the stone-y mountain that was covered with small white patches of snow. I breathe in the icy winter air as it filled up my warm lungs. With every step I took my nose became numb and my hand lost its warmth. Before the sun has awakened from its slumber, I reach the top of the mountain. As I gaze down from above, I see the sun peeking through the cracks of the mountain in the distance. The sun's rays pierce through the light blue sky and brought light to everything around it. Within minutes the sun greeted me with its warmth, blinding my eyes.

I’m reminded of the sunset from before. This is the same sun, the same sky, but it looks like a whole different solar system. The sky was so colorful, with so many shades of blue. I watch as cotton candy -like clouds slowly surrounded the sun. But for some reason, I felt like the burnt red sky before the sunset was more beautiful. It was unique in its ways. Then this thought hits me again, “Ah the sky is not always blue.” It seems like the sun was always setting on me and I hated it. But now that I see the sunrise, I can also see the beauty in the sunset.

I thought I have seen all the colors of the sky but each morning the same sky is a different hue. Like a box of crayons. You can’t expect it to be fill with only blues, or only reds, or only greens. Even though you do not like the other colors, one day after the big picture you’ll realize that all the other colors had a part in your portrait. Just like blue is to happiness, there are so much more emotions out there to feel. So much more colors to paint with. I quickly realize that chasing after happiness is like chasing the wind. I can feel it, but I’ll never be able to hold and retain it. In life you’ll laugh a little, you’ll cry a little. You’ll fall and you’ll get back up just like the sunset and sunrise. Someday it will feel like the sun will never rise. Then there will be other days, you’ll find yourself missing the sunset.

Finally, the ultimate question, am I happy now? I am happy that my crayon box is now overfilling with different colors, shades, and tones. All so beautiful in their own ways, I can’t wait to see what kind of picture I am about to draw next.