Lesson not learnt

I was talking to a friend a while back. We were sitting on a bench outside, and the conversation soon shifted to less-than-pleasant topics. He then proceeded to say something along the lines of "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", and all I could think of at that moment was 'NO'.

No. What doesn't kill us does not make us stronger. It can break us, ruin us, destroy who we were and are, and then go after our future just for sport. It chews us up and spits us. Oftentimes, what doesn't kill us, could leave us wishing it did.

Frankly, having gone through some of the worst years of my life (and I do not tend to exaggerate), I realized I didn't feel like there was a lesson to be learnt. No perfect Hollywood ending that ties everything nicely, nor concrete steps I could take to not end up here again. The past couple of years haven't made me better, they've broken me entirely.

The simple truth is, you do not have to suffer to learn, or to enjoy and appreciate life. And if you are "fortunate" enough to go through a truly terrible experience, that does not mean you will magically gain such insight. Sometimes pain is just pain, and life is just random. As criminal minds' David Rossi once said: "life is a hell of a thing to happen to a person". Seriously- it is the worst. Sometimes. Best at other times. And also, everything in between. And that's okay.

I do believe we can choose what to take from our experiences- the good and the bad ones alike- but telling someone going through hard times, that this is somewhat worth it, that it's all part of a big plan, and that they will be rewarded or come out of it stronger, simply isn't true. It can be extremely disrespectful, even with the best intentions at heart. It's okay to believe something good can come out of our worst experiences, but let's not minimize our pain or justify having to go through it for the sake of "growth".

Don't get me wrong- I'm a huge advocate of our ability to grow from disasters and improve ourselves. I merely wish we'd talk about what it takes. After all, pain is not something we go through- it goes through us. And it changes us.

Those of us who are more resilient and adaptable, have good support, and are also, yes, somewhat lucky- in time, they might be able to use that change for good: to become better, kinder, more empathic people. But moving on with your pain, and making something good out of it, is a choice not everyone will get, and a huge struggle. It's something you have to actively work for very hard, and doesn't just happen naturally. It's a constant battle. You don't miraculously appear on the other end as a new and improved version of yourself (unless you're Gandalf I guess).

So please, don't say it makes you stronger. Don't say it builds character. Both because it isn't true, and because it "gives credit" to our circumstances, rather than our choices. At the end of the day, we need to recognize and cherish those who have managed to improve- not because of their experiences, but despite them.