Jealousy

It's often depicted as a green snake, sitting in a pile of cold scaly coils in the pit of your stomach, or sinking its venomous fangs into the soft flesh of your heart.

Okay, perhaps that was overly dramatic, but honestly, jealousy hurts. It hurts when you see someone who is everything you wish you were, and it hurts the most when you direct anger at yourself for not being that person.

We all want to be successful; we all want to thrive as individuals. We want to be important. Even the one of the richest men in history, John D. Rockefeller, so craved to be important that he amassed a fortune he'd never spend. People go insane trying to receive that feeling of importance, and jealousy messes with that feeling like nothing else.

I'm not nearly wise enough to tell you the best way to cope with jealousy, especially the sort that tears you down with self-loathing. I've been there countless times, times where the floor of rock bottom knocked the air out of my lungs, times when I've cried myself to exhausted sleep, when I've felt absolutely worthless. It's hard admitting your jealousy, even to those closest to you. It's easy to wave it aside when someone confronts you about it, but it gnaws and eats at us inside unless we develop healthy ways to let it out.

Let's use one of my school friends as an example. She's beautiful, funny, caring, and one of the smartest girls I've ever met. She's also humble and mischievous, and gets along with everyone. For the longest time, I was so jealous of her. Thankfully, it never ruined our friendship or caused me to hate her, but it did make me despise myself.

It started with nasty self-comments like Why are you so stupid? or Look at yourself grinning like a pathetic loser or Why can't you do anything useful with your life? Honestly, self-sabotage became my go-to, and in a twisted way, my source of comfort. When I failed at something, I suddenly had a convenient excuse not to try again or succeed. It was a miserable cycle, and it slowly deteriorated my mental health.

I started to isolate myself from everything and everyone, and recited hate speeches to myself daily. It got to where I'd hit myself hard every time I cried. I'd become the victim of my inner torment, and it's taken every ounce of willpower to stay out of this dangerous place.

One day, I stared hard at myself in the mirror, and vowed that I'd get up and fight it. I'd fight that horrible self-murderous monster, and cope with my jealousy before it got the best of me.

I decided to reach out to someone, in this case my mom. I'm so grateful that I have such a supporting figure in my life, and I realize that not everyone has that. I definitely advise you to reach out and not isolate yourself with your own thoughts. I used to roll my eyes at this, but trust me, it can really help sort out your emotions when you have a sympathetic ear to pour your troubles to.

I didn't tell her everything, but I felt safe for the first time. Like, if someone cared about me so much, maybe I was worth something. Maybe I am a somebody.

The next step was looking through a new perspective. I pictured myself in my friend's shoes. I pictured all the times she spent studying and learning the material when perhaps I wasn't being productive. I pictured all the fun times we shared, and realized that I wasn't gonna let a petty thing like jealousy wreck this bond. When I chose another person's perspective to look through, I realized she's just a human like me, who's trying her best to survive and grow, and that we're more similar than I'd previously thought.

Afterwards, I decided to reform my mindset. I needed to turn this raging tempest into calm water in order for me, the little boat, to travel through safely (I realize this is a cheesy metaphor, but bear with me). Basically, I needed to convert jealousy into productivity.

I started off by being proud of my friend. I learned to express genuine admiration at all her talents and accomplishments. Dimming someone else's light isn't gonna make ours any brighter, but lifting each other up will. Instantly, I felt completely different once I accepted that she's my superior in many things, but that's okay.

Next, I turned that goodwill into ambition. Well I thought pensively Look at that! If she can do it, why can't I? I'm so glad I have friends that push me to be the best possible version of myself.

And poof! That's how I turned into a self-confident boss lady in a single minute!

No, that's SO far from the actual truth. It's been a long process, and I still find myself slipping back into that dark place of intense envy. And it's not only about her. It could be one of my teammates, my classmates, upperclassmen, et cetera et cetera. In essence, I'm still working on it, working on accepting that there is always gonna be someone better, smarter, prettier, tougher, and stronger me, and that shouldn't affect how I perceive myself.

Don't get me wrong. This is the hardest thing I've had to learn. It's one thing to solve some math problems, but a whole other thing trying to solve your own problems, especially when they stem from self-worth and insecurity.

What I'm trying to say is yes, jealousy hurts and it's hard to overcome, but you CAN cope with it because you're strong enough and smart enough to realize that it's not doing you any favors. I can't say for certain that I've overcome it completely, and I doubt anyone has. It's a journey to be able to feel comfortable with yourself enough not be envious, but it's an uphill climb. What counts is your effort, and you should clap for yourself and root for yourself every step of the way, because honestly, who else will? Who else do you have except yourself in the end anyway?

Jealousy sucks, and insecurity in our self worth sucks even more, but it's something we gotta learn to deal with. Everyday is a fight, but we're fighters, we're survivors. If we gave up, we'd never be here where we are today. Hold fast to yourself; don't ever let yourself go. It's hard to do, but please don't give up. If anything, know that I'm always here to cheer you on.