Isis

Shit scary out here. Feeling really lonely out here. People are so fake and so robotic nowadays.

They probably were always that way. Maybe I just wasn’t aware of it in the beginning. More and more everyday I ask myself am I even real? Where did I come from? Was I always in existence and just reborn into another being. I saw something that said the death of a star looks exactly like a baby cell. Am I a star? And If I am, how big am I? Do I shine brighter than the rest? Does my shine dim when I get around others? So many things that I am curious about. I wonder what it feels like to be in love. I wonder would I ever feel that? Have I already felt it and it isn’t how I imagine it to be? I don’t know. I feel like this life thing gets weirder and weirder as I go on. I wonder if death is even a thing. Because before we were born were we dead? Or were we just in a completely different dimension? Sometimes I feel like it is just me on this planet and maybe I'm just insane imagining things.

I probably sound insane but I don’t care because these are things I actually feel. I feel like no one understands me, but the people I live with. I’ve already realized that the people that I resonate with are just a reflection of myself, but what about everyone else in the world? Are you a reflection of me as well or just another idea in my head of how a person is. I don’t know why I’m so intrigued by these theories. Maybe it’s because I’m still confused about how all of this works. Maybe I really don’t need the answers, but if the questions are ever answered I will greatly appreciate it. I also want to understand why I am still hurt by a break up that happened a year ago. Why am I sad that I don’t have an abuser in my life anymore? Maybe it’s actually because they miss me and I’m just connected to them. Maybe that’s what I want to believe. I should just come to the complete conclusion that nobody on this earth matters really… not until I matter to myself completely. I need to give myself tough love.

Isis. You are on your own. Live in that. Accept that. It’s okay to feel sad some days. Some days it just feels like your life is meaningless. Like there’s no point. But I am going to make that point. I am going to create where I am supposed to be. I am going to create a happy atmosphere. I have the power to create my own story, so let's create it. No, I’m not able to change the past, but I can make better decisions starting now, choosing how I want to feel instead of letting people control my feelings. I am going to choose happiness every single time. I am not going to let the dark and overwhelming thoughts cloud me from what’s really important. What’s important is to speak my truth, so that’s what I am going to do.

In this book the truth about me, and the people around me will be revealed. No negativity, no lies.. Just pure truth. My truth. Just because you’ve never experienced something does not mean it is a lie or it’s impossible to happen and if you have experienced something bad does not mean it will happen to others. I say this to say “no one knows anything, everyone believes something.” ~Isis

Understand there is no wrong or right there is only your perception. What I mean by that is your reality depends on your outlook on life. It has nothing to do with others beliefs and everything to do with yours. Whatever you believe comes to life and I am a testimony to that. Whatever you surround your thoughts with will become your reality. That’s why when us human beings have faith in something it’s very powerful because we really believe that someone is looking out for us; someone definitely is. Someone is always trying to awaken you in mysterious ways; like pain, anger and sadness. Those three emotions are so important because they tell/ show you what you don’t want for yourself. In this book I am going to be talking about my life, but also giving you advice on how to react when or if certain things happen to you. This book is basically a self help book. It’s also a book filled with drama and different experiences from my life.

Different faces

So many different types of people around me. I wonder if they love me, I wonder if they even care about my well being. What if this is how I felt as a child. Always wondering if someone loved me. I hope that’s not how I felt as a child. I wouldn’t be surprised if I did because growing up that’s all I remember wondering. My mom kept so many new family and friends around us, as a child you didn't pay attention to anything around you, other than your mom and your toys. Some children aren’t that way but that’s how I was. I kept to myself, never bothered anybody. Even as a child who did nothing, but play with dolls all day and worship her mother, demons still crept. Demons crept alongside while I played with my barbies. Demons couldn’t wait to touch and molest this precious young skin. Demons possessed family members, demons possessed friends. Demons could go through anyone. As a child I didn’t know demons came in the form of humans. I didn’t know people taking my childhood was a terrible thing until after they took it. See how weird that works? My mom finally informs me about rape right after it happens to me. I didn’t know how to open my mouth and tell people that I was hurting. I was already socially awkward at the age of 4 because I was traumatized from getting touched. Every time my mom would talk to me about rape fear would arise. I didn’t want to think about how disgusting it made me feel.

Getting older and I still have not talked about my fears and traumas. I get even moodier and more irritated than ever. I start feeling like everyone wants something from me. I started feeling like my mom was trying to run my life, so I continued to act out. I hung around whoever so I could get away from my home life. I didn’t care about myself, but while I didn’t care and while no one else cared, someone cared. God, Goddess, Universe, whoever. Whoever my creator and protector is, thank you. Thank you so much for keeping me alive. I wanted to die so many times. I’ve written so many suicide notes it didn’t make sense. I was depressed, I didn’t know where I was going in life. I dated so many different types of people to find myself.(Keep in mind you can not date someone else to find yourself. You must make yourself happy.)

“Crushing”

The first boy I went out with I wouldn’t call him my boyfriend because we probably only talked for like 3 weeks. I liked him, I think. We used to skip school together and walk around the neighborhood around the high school we went to. I was really shy around this time, I barely had a personality. I didn’t know who I was. I was just interested in sex and writing and that’s all I knew. Keep in mind I’m in high school at this point. Before I talked to this boy I got raped by another family member and I was around 13-14 years old. That incident just made me numb. I didn’t know how to feel or react. So going on to this relationship or situationship, it was based on sex and lust. He broke up with me 3 weeks later because he started to like this other girl that went to our school. I didn’t care to be honest, but it did hurt because I didn’t understand why I couldn’t be happy. I didn’t know what happiness looked like.

The second boy I went out with it was another situationship. I thought it was more, but as time went by I realized it wasn’t real love. He also went to my school and he used to live close to my best friend at the time. I used to walk from her house to his house everyday. I really liked him. I probably really loved him, but I know he didn’t really give a flying fuck about me. He only talked to me outside of school. When I tried talking to him at school he used to basically run away from me like I was some crazy stalker. He would ghost me for weeks and I would deadass blow his phone up and write paragraphs on how much I care about him. He would ignore it all and me. When I finally got over him and started talking to other boys again he texted me. He was the one begging and pleading this time and obviously my loveable ass takes him back. Then he does the same things over again. We were on and off for awhile even when I had got new situationships, but eventually I said fuck him.

The third guy I started messing around with; see how I switched it up. This boy was just someone I was having sex with. I was friends with him first, but then it turned sexual and it never was the same after that. This guy was mad cool for awhile, but for some reason he switched up like a gemini. His zodiac sign is an aquarius… This man went from angel to devil real quick. I am not sure if it’s because he knew I was talking to other people and he didn’t like that or he just was bored the day he told the whole school my pussy smelled like fish. I don’t even know why he told people we were having sex in the first place.. Didn’t make any sense to me. On top of that if my vagina smelled like fish why are you having sex with me? He definitely got cut.

The fourth guy I actually dated. I started talking to him because I dmed him on social media and told him how cute he was. I was not shy through the phone , but I was definitely shy in person. The night I dmed him we got on the phone and we talked literally all night. His vibe matched mine so well at the time. He was so sweet and adorable, but then he started to do things that really disturbed me. He started giving other beautiful girls attention. He liked their pictures and commented compliments under their post. Now thinking about it I see how petty it is, but back then I considered that cheating. I used to argue with him a lot about those types of things and then after he started doing that I just started to get mad at the smallest things. It got harder to be with me. Jealousy really took over me because I even cheated on him because I assumed he was cheating on me. He took me back which made me even more suspicious. I kept thinking he probably did cheat. The relationship didn’t work because of my paranoia.

The fifth guy I dated I liked him a lot in the beginning. I felt like he wasn’t into me the first two months we were together because he kept telling me that he didn’t want a relationship and that he didn’t want any labels. This made me assume he was talking to other girls, so I tried my absolute hardest for him to be interested in me. Obviously it worked, we dated for 6-7 months I believe. After a while he started to fall in love with me. After a while I started being less and less interested in him. To this day I still don’t know why I broke up with him. I have a few reasons, but I’m not sure if any of them are valid. The first reason I had for breaking up with him is because I genuinely lost feelings. Why did I lose feelings? That’s the question I ask myself all the time. Was it because he was too childish for me? Can’t be because the grown ass men I date now are childish as fuck. In my head I thought to myself and asked myself “am I going to want to marry this person?” Right, a 15-16 year old girl is thinking about marriage and how her life should be. I didn’t want a man who never paid attention to me unless his friends and his game weren’t around. I wanted someone who chose me every single time. I never had a love where I was always chosen first. That is what I wanted so I broke up with him.

After him I was just messing around with different men. I didn’t know what was right or wrong. I still don’t to be honest. Something can be wrong to one person and normal to the next. I don’t believe in wrong and right anymore. It doesn’t make any sense to me. I didn’t care about myself at the time, All I cared about was the people around me. At the time I questioned myself and asked if this was right? If living for other people was the right way to go. No. It wasn’t. I thought if you cared enough about others, others would care about you as well. No. That’s not true. I didn’t know though, so I continued to be a people pleaser to the ones who weren’t even pleasing me. When I came to my senses I started to become mean and evil. I didn’t care about people’s feelings. I cheated on two people. (My last two relationships I’ve told y'all about).

When I was 17 going on 18 I downloaded this app called “Tinder”. I didn’t get along with people in my school and at the time I think I only had 1-2 friends. I’m still trying to find myself and understand who I am at this time. I’m still trying to comprehend why certain things continue to happen and why I continue living in a weird cycle of going through so many people, just for it to be meaningless. I swiped on this 24 year old man and a few other grown men that caught my eye. I really just wanted someone to bring the old me out. I wanted to be that loving, sweetheart again. I wanted something real. The 24 year old I swiped on had my number and he always used to send me a good morning text and he always used to try to meet up with me, but I was still 17 years old and I wasn’t trying to get anyone in legal trouble so I kept dodging his texts until my birthday. A month after my birthday I finally answered his text messages and met up with him.

Dontae

For this summary/ short story I am going to give my ex boyfriend who was 24 years old at the time a fake name. We are going to call him Dontae. Me and Dontae were on and off for a year. When I first met him he picked me up from my house and we went to the movies. He was really quiet and seemed kind of shy in the beginning. I was really smiley and goofy and sweet. I’m always these things , but sometimes that part of me wasn’t genuine. Me smiling and being goofy was a mask for how I actually felt at the time. I just wanted him to like me. I obviously didn’t want him to know my bad side. I didn’t want anyone to even know how I could really come off. We went to the movies (I forgot what we saw). We had fun, we were laughing and actually enjoying ourselves. Afterwards, we went to this hotel and spent the night together. We had sex and it wasn’t for long, but I still enjoyed myself because he was a complete gentlemen and really sweet.

When the night was over and the morning came he took me home and he went to work. I thought he wasn’t going to talk to me after. I was getting mentally prepared for him to just ghost me. Keep in mind at the time I didn’t care for a relationship and I really didn’t care if we were just friends after that, but I dislike when people use me up and leave. That’s probably the worst feeling. He wasn’t one of those guys though. We saw each other plenty of times after that. We started to really get close within two weeks. After the first week of seeing him he told me he loved me. Of course I didn’t know how to respond because we’ve only known each other for two weeks, and to be quite honest I didn’t know what love was or what it even felt like. I said it back anyway even though I didn’t know if it was true or not. I met his family and he met mine within the month of us communicating. Things were going okay until a lot of other things I didn’t know about him started to arise. The first thing he kept from me was that he had a daughter. (I didn’t care that he had a daughter. I cared about how he kept it from me). Of course when I found that out though I didn’t go off or yell I just accepted it. Another thing he kept from me was before we went together officially and when we were talking he was still living with his ex. This made me come to the conclusion that I was with a liar. I didn’t break up with him though I just accepted it. As time went by I started to trust him less and less and less. I found reasons to get mad at him, I always was trying to leave him. The first time I broke up with him we had a big ass disagreement on the road and he was on the way to drive me home. There were multiple occasions where I broke up with him and we got back together in no time.

When he finally got his new apartment I used to stay over and chill with him everyday, all day. One day we were chilling watching tv. He had said something I didn’t like so I left the room and went outside. He ran after me trying to figure out what was wrong with me. But I kept pushing him away and just kept saying I wanted to go home. He knew that this was a sign of a break up. Dontae gets really annoyed and aggravated because he feels like he can’t do anything right. I also felt that way as well, even though he really wasn’t doing anything. Until he was. I don’t know why he chose to react in violence instead of concern. Obviously something was wrong with me at the time. I was really depressed and I had no one to help me get out of that depression. I had no one. I didn’t even have myself. Me and Dontae went into his apartment, I’m thinking he’s ready to take me home, but no. Instead he tried to make me talk to him, but not in a gentle way. He was really aggressive and he wouldn’t let me leave his house until I told him what was wrong with me. Little does he know I couldn’t… because I didn’t even know at the time. I just stood there quietly, wanting to go home. The more aggressive he gets the more annoyed I get. I’m not sure what I said, but I know I said something really hurtful. Something I didn’t mean. That made him even more mad. He turned to the devil at this very moment. What happened this night should’ve really been my last straw.. But I guess Isis, The Goddess of Love didn’t think she deserved it herself. He raped me anally and more. I cried for my mom the whole night. Still couldn’t go home. Still no one can save me. I’m numb and he’s asleep. I still do not understand why I continue to get sexually abused by people I love. Me asking myself why am I not capable of love anywhere.

Long story short even though physically the relationship didn’t end there.. Mentally and spiritually it did. I wasn’t in love anymore at this point I was just with him because I felt bad. He kept threatening to kill himself if I left and believed it or not I did love him.. Just wasn’t in love with him anymore. Maybe I was never in love with him now that I really think about it. That’s the love I thought I deserved at the time. No one deserved to get sexually, mentally or physically abused. It’s sad that I had to go through that multiple times to actually understand that very concept. Even though he hurt me multiple times I know I hurt him as well. I can’t tell you what I did because I wasn’t aware of myself. I was just aware of you, I was just aware of what I had to experience. We broke up eventually and it was a very messy breakup, but that’s okay. That man and everyone else still has a place in my heart. I’m thankful for all of my experiences because it’s shaping me. It’s creating who I am supposed to be in this weird and extra world.

“Hoe Phase”

I was going through something ignorant people like to call a “hoe phase”. I went through this phase from the age 14 to 17. I was messing around with a lot of boys but I never was “easy”. I had sex with people I wanted to have sex with. I wasn’t just having sex to be liked or because someone persuaded me. It was always my choice . Maybe this is because I got sexually assaulted multiple times as a child. To this day I’m not sure why I liked sex so much. I just did and that was what I wanted to do a lot of the time. I also liked the attention boys and men gave me when it came to how I looked. At that age I was really into man attention.

At school people used to spread really weird rumors about me because they knew I had a lot of sex, so they would just make up things because they knew people would believe it. No one cares if a boy is a hoe, but god forbid a woman from doing anything sexual. I find that really unfair and unreal. Women like sex just as much as men do.

In my opinion no one should be giving their body up to someone who isn’t their soulmate. Even when I was 14-17 years old I didn’t comprehend the fact that sex is sacred . The reason I believe sex is sacred and you should wait until you are with someone you love is because you’re literally transferring your energy to that individual. Sex stands for sacred exchange. It is very important that you protect yourself. Not everyone is out here to love you. Be careful with who you give your body to.

Finding Love

After I broke up with Dontae I really wanted to find love. In my 19 year old brain I thought I could only find love within a man. I didn’t have the type of love I wanted at home. There were only three people I knew of that actually loved me that way I wanted to be loved “unconditionally”. I wanted unconditional love; My sister Lamia and I have a great bond and she is one of the people who loves me unconditionally. One of the exes I had (The fifty guy), I know he really loved me for me at the time. I didn’t love him then. I know I didn’t because I didn’t love myself, but I can say now I really love him. I don’t have any regrets; I was just a part of his story that wasn’t so pretty. I wasn’t a good soul in his life at that time. I think that’s why I couldn't let him love me. I knew I wasn’t any good. He loved me so much he was so willing to look past all the dumb shit I was doing. I couldn’t let him do that. Something in me did love him that much to let him go. I’m being mad gushy about him, and he doesn’t even care about me anymore. *giggles*. That’s funny. He’s literally the only person who showed me that type of love in a relationship. He never did me dirty. He was a great soul and I can admit that. My sister Alexus loves me to death. I can’t even lie. She’s been there and she’s shown the love. She’s pure love; she deserves so much more than she thinks. She’s way more pure than most.

Unconditional love is what I wanted to be surrounded by. A person who just loves me. They love even the horrid things about me. Believe it or not the horrid parts of me aren’t even that bad. I am just brutally honest. I want someone to appreciate those types of things about me. In every argument I ever had with my mom and my ex Dontae I was always trying to stay silent. My words hurt, they are more powerful than you know. I’m learning that more and more everyday. If I spoke my truth I was automatically “the bad guy”. They would be angry and brutal, so in that sense I had to get brutal and angry. These two people set the fire in me. The anger arose within me like a burning house. Every part of me was dying because I couldn’t be me. Can someone answer this for me? Why can people be rough on you, but you have to be gentle? Why can people put their hands on you, but you can’t be honest because “it’s rude”. That would never make any sense to me. After these traumatizing experiences I had I grew a lot of aggression. I felt like I had to be aggressive to everyone. That’s how I protected myself. I put a guard up expecting my soulmate to take it down and love me. No. When I put a guard up being around people that just made me realize they had a guard up as well. I found myself running after them, trying to please them so they could see me for me. I came to realize me being aggressive inside was making me attract aggressive people.

I dated this guy who claimed himself to be an “isrealite”. For those who don’t know what an Isrealite is “The chosen ones of the bible”. Or something like that. I was intrigued because at the time I was interested in learning who made me. I liked him in the beginning because I thought our relationship was going to continue being affectionate and sweet. After a while I found myself just trying to impress him and I started doing literally everything for him. The only thing I didn’t do was cook. His mom did that.. Yes he lived with his mom and so did I. I didn’t care about those types of things back then. I just wanted love. Long story short he started to give me less and less attention. I started to cheat on him and did not feel bad about it at all. I told him and he broke up with me. I honestly did it on purpose to sabotage the relationship because I’m terrible at breaking up with people sometimes because we never stay broken up. *giggles*. I deadass look past the dumb shit and go back. When I don’t want that to happen anymore I cheat, so they won’t want me anymore. I know that’s stupid, but shit it works.

I cheated on him with a local rapper. I actually liked the guy though, that’s another reason why I told him. (Y’all have to give me my props for being real honest with every single thing I do and say. I’m telling my truth; everyone should be able to tell their story without any judgement. The only person I ever lied to was my mom. Two reasons for that 1. She lies to me. 2. She doesn’t empathize or sympathize with anything I say to her. Why would I tell her anything? And besides, she's going to know the truth in this book. I don’t care anymore, I’m grown and I’m done being a liar. How about you? Yes shade’).

Me and the rapper were friends for a little bit, but it started to seem like he wanted to be more. I wasn’t sure I was ready for that because I didn’t want it to be another situation where I’m just doing everything for that one person and they’re not doing anything for me. One day I was chilling with my girlfriends at a hotel. They were telling me I should invite him because I seem to really like him, so I did. We were chilling with them and this other dude that liked me,( but I had no interest in him. At the time anyway… *giggles*.) While we were hanging out with my friends and the guy he kept being really touchy feely. He was kissing on my neck and more. I was trying to be lovey dovey back, but I also didn’t want to make the people around us uncomfortable. I think he was getting upset because he could tell I was trying to put it at a friendly level. Twenty minutes probably passed and he says he’s going to chill with his brother. I walk him out and I feel like I asked him “what are we?” or something like that. I don’t really remember vividly what happened, but you guys get the gist, hopefully. I believe he said “whatever you want us to be.” I automatically said I wanted to be friends. My heart ached when I said that I’m not going to lie, but I was scared. I didn’t know what was going to happen if I said I wanted to be with him. I fall for people really fast, I also fall out of love fast. I don’t want to get hurt and I don’t want to hurt anyone else.

I’m 20 now and all I want to do is love myself at this point. I kept trying to please other human beings when I should’ve been trying to please myself. I asked myself if I like what I see when I look in the mirror. The answer used to be no. I didn’t like my personality, I didn’t like being too sensitive or not sensitive at all. I didn’t like that my emotions were always up and down. I just didn’t have peace in my life. I always used to worry about my future and overthink it as well. I had no respect for certain parts of me. I didn’t care about certain parts of my body.. To be honest I didn’t care about my body or face at all. I lived my life only taking in what other people said instead of searching for the answers within myself. I lacked self love, because I lacked love in general.

Tragedies

Going through life I came across so many unforgettable events; events that were tragic. Many people have seen my bad side, because I was put in a lot of situations that made me angry in the moment. Back in my teenage years I had really bad anger problems. I used to get annoyed really quickly and I’m really sensitive in general, so whoever I was angry at saw the hulk in me. I used to get so mad that I thought I was capable of killing someone. This is when I knew I had to stay away from people who were toxic and rude because it used to get me that angry.

“Maniac”

There was this one situation where I had matched cousins on tinder. One of the cousins was engaged and was a nail tech. The other was from New York and he was just visiting. I didn’t match them on tinder at the same time I matched the nail tech first and then me and him started talking; at least I thought I was talking to him. Then I matched with the man from New York. Keep in mind the man from New York is who I was really interested in. I found out a few days later that they are related and when I thought I was texting the nail tech, I was texting the man from New York the whole time. They basically catfished me by accident. That’s a longer story though. I am going to tell y ’all what they did to me. So basically the same day I found out the New York man was texting me I decided to link with him that day because he told me it was his last day in Virginia. I went out with him and his cousin; keep in mind I thought it was just going to be me and the New York man. On the way to our destination they were really irritating me and being very obnoxious. I did not enjoy myself on the way there. They told me they were going to take me to the beach and chill with me, but instead they took me to this beach that was like a club. There were so many people bunched up together and it was so crowded. When we got there the New York dude ditched me and left me with his cousin who has a fiance. I guess the New York dude was mad at me because I was being really mean and smart in the car. I also had a mental breakdown in the car because they were irking my nerves that much. I eventually got irritated with being there because they both were ditching me and I was getting paranoid that they were going to leave me two hours away from my home. I went to go find them since I was starting to get paranoid and I tried to get back buddy, buddy with the New York dude, so I wouldn’t be completely alone. When I tried to hug/ touch him he pushed me away and said “get off of me crazy”. That was really my last straw. I asked the nail tech (the other cousin) to take me to the car so I could get my phone. As we are walking to the car I ask the cousin “why is he acting so strange?” The cousin was just as clueless as I was. What really blew me away was the cousin told me that I wasn’t even supposed to come, so basically at that point I started to get even more mad. I didn’t understand why people invited me out if they really didn’t want me to come. At that point I really did turn into a crazy person. I was having a tantrum; I was throwing my shoes, I threw my phone and more. I was running barefoot screaming and crying because I felt in my soul that no one was going to take me home. I felt like I was going to be stranded. I was just done with everything. As I was running I trip and fall over and I realize I am on sword grass. I had a really bad injury on my feet, stomach and chest. I looked really crazy out there. I’m sure people thought I was a psychopath, but I didn’t even care. I gave up on people that day. I really didn’t care about anything at that moment. I was half naked sitting on the concrete; I was not understanding life at all. When I calmed down I went to go find my things. I’m not sure how I found everything because I blacked out, but all I know is I had all of my things and I had a ride. I had to spend 100 dollars on a lyft so I could get home. I told myself I would never go out with strangers that far out ever again.

This situation taught me to not trust people so much. Just because they seem like they are cool people does not always mean they are. Just because someone says they have your back does not mean it is true. I told myself I am really going to be stingy with presence because not everyone deserves to be around me. I’m only going to give my energy to the people who really care about me and love me.

Loner

I’m alone. I left everyone in the dark and now all I’m left with is myself. Yeah sadness and ache comes like always when I feel lonely. I mourn the people I left as if they died; there’s this urge to call them and tell them off. I wanted to call them so I could tell them how bad they hurt me. I want to tell them their loss is taking a toll on me and I miss them, but I wish they would treat me better.

Before I went to grab my phone so I could express my feelings to people who really don’t give a fuck, a voice in my head that sounds like me says “stop”. The voice wasn’t loud or obnoxious; the voice was calming and I was super relaxed. I stopped and I laid in my bed and instead of calling anyone I went to sleep.

“Goddess”

After I experienced hearing a voice in my head that was definitely not me, I then realized I was alone, but I wasn’t lonely. I felt like there was something within me; something that was protecting me at all causes. I didn’t know what to call her, so I decided to believe that it was the Goddess saving me from myself. Calling up old toxic people would never help the loneliness you’re in now. It would just make you feel even more alone. Being alone teaches people who their God really is. Your God speaks to you all the time, you just have to listen. The best way to hear the pure spirit is to be alone.

Self Love

Self love is way more important than anything in this world. It’s the one thing you need to get by in life. The one thing that will really help you succeed in life. A lot of people may think or say that they have love within themselves. You know they’re lying when:

They are hating on your every move.

They are nagging about how bad their life is.

They lie to others and themselves.

If you loved yourself, you wouldn’t have to judge or drag someone down just because you feel like it. You wouldn’t even have your attention on anyone else, but yourself first. You love yourself when you only let positive and beautiful people in your circle. When you attract negativity 9 times out of 10 you are also negative. When you flee from negativity that’s when a lot of your problems will fade. I’m speaking from experience; I know because I used to be a negative being. I used to make people feel really bad about themselves and more. I am not proud of who I was, which is why I changed. Other people may think I am the same old “Naia” (my legal name). The only reason they would think that though is because they are the same. If you changed you would realize I’ve changed as well.

I am on a spiritual journey of self love. I am on a journey to continue seeing the things that I love about myself and this world I live in. I just made up this cute idea in my head. *giggles*. When some people read words they don’t realize how close a lot of these words are to each other. Like “love” and “live”. Once you realize these two words are one in the same magical things will happen for you. You are supposed to live in love. Walk in love, walk in empathy and healing. Doing this will heal you as you heal others.

I know a lot of people have body dysmorphic disorder and it's hard for them to love every part of themselves sometimes, but I am here to say completely what you look like on the outside does not matter. It shouldn’t even matter to you because you are more than your body. Who you really are is what matters. Dig deep into yourselves and point out all the things you can do and all the things that you can get better at. As human beings we are so much more powerful than how people choose to believe. I choose to believe that I am the power that I couldn’t find. I am the love I was always searching for because I’m here for a reason and a purpose and it's higher than the blue skies above. People choose not to believe this because of their parents, their friends and other individuals who tried to put them down. I’m telling you right now those are the devils the bible speaks of. I’m just playing; I was just using that as a symbol of not to trust them when they say something that’s negative to you. If it makes you feel bad, choose not to listen to that and say “I am still going to get all of my desires no matter what anyone says” and believe it. Don’t let no one and I mean no one, not even yourself, doubt what you want and what you want to believe in. Anything you believe is possible I promise you. You can get whatever you want in this life. I know this because I am a living testimony. This world is here to please you, not stress you. As long as you don’t have any stress within you everything will go smoothly. You must believe everything will work itself out because it always does. I know in every situation I was ever in it always got situated. At the end of the day I always got what I wanted because I believed it would happen for me. Believing takes the strength to leave literally everything with the universe, the Goddess, or the God. You have to believe in something. I know I do and life has been better than it ever has been. In the past I went through so many traumas and headaches. I went through so much stress with my mom and my friends. I had to let all of the toxic and unfulfilling people out of my life. I had to let go of people I love so much. I had to sacrifice what I felt like was everything to get everything that I was going to actually better my life. I’m not saying as soon as I cut my family and friends off my life got better. I’m saying it got way more peaceful and to me that’s better. I feel like for some people they want drama and headache to their life, but for me that just simply slows me down. Here’s a few reasons why it slows me down:

Everytime I say something positive to raise the vibration of the room they say something completely negative.

They put their anger and sadness on me.

They deceive me.

All I want nowadays is just positive and loving energy. If someone is going to want me to listen to their problems they will have to listen to mine. I am not going to just let someone always talk my ear off about their issues but when I have an issue I can never go to them. I do not want to be around selfish people any longer. I want to be around people who give without expecting anything in return. I’ve always given and never asked for anything back because I genuinely wanted to see them happy. I want more people like me around me. I don’t have any negative nancy’s in my life anymore.

Loving yourself finally doesn’t mean you’re going to be happy 24/7. Sometimes you may feel sadness overwhelm you here or there, but it’s always good to remember everyone gets sad sometimes even the happiest looking people become sad. Whenever you do get sad or upset in any way, shape or form just remember better days are coming. Continue to remember your vision and what you want out of this life. Continue to choose happiness over stress and everything will be okay.

What I mean by choosing happiness is if a stressful situation comes around like a late bill is due or your landlord says “you will be evicted soon if you don’t pay your rent on time” just continue to stay calm. Have faith that everything will come together at the right time. Instead of thinking about what you’re going to do next just pray to your God and say “please fix this for me” then let it go as if it’s already been fixed. Things will be fine as long as you truly believe so. For the people who don’t believe in a higher power the least you can do is believe in yourself. Know that you are on this earth to be something and that is to be happy. Once you understand and comprehend material things don’t actually make you happy. The feeling is what makes you happy. When you receive something you wanted it’s like a goal achieved. If you look at life like a goal achieved things will start to happen for you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and others and start feeling happy that you’re breathing. Be happy for the things you can do right at this moment.

“People”

A lot of people contradict themselves on a daily basis, one day they say they want love and happiness, but in that same breath they say something that isn’t loving and happy. To be happy and to have love you have to literally walk in that path everyday. When you embody happiness and love your surroundings really start to become that. How you feel inside is going to reflect your reality, so if you’re always saying bad things about your life that’s all you will see.

Being in the state of not loving yourself makes it seem like everything around you is always fucking up, but really your mindset just isn’t right. Yes, annoying and traumatic situations really affect us; but I’m here to tell you that those things happened, so you could be aware that you didn’t want that to really happen. How are you going to know what you want or don’t want if nothing happens to you? Things have to happen so you can choose happiness or you choose to stay miserable. All I have to say is if you stay in a calm state and you trust that someone is taking care of you, things will be just fine. Stop limiting yourself because you feel like you don’t deserve love. I’m here to tell you everyone does; love is the savior of all human race. Once everyone starts to realize that the world would be so much better for all of us; not just some of us. Having bad days isn't the end of the world; think of those days as lesson days. They aren’t bad no matter how much it may seem like it. There is no such thing as good or bad, and right and wrong. Everythings a choice; If you want to be happy, be happy. Material things and people don’t always make you happy. You have to find that happiness that lives within you. A person can turn life around for you, but you have to want it to happen. If you don’t love yourself it will be hard for you to tell who loves you or not because you wouldn’t know why that individual loved you. You would always be questioning the situation; you’d be trying to figure out if they are really for you or not. Whole time you’re being paranoid because of your past. Life is always about taking a risk and staying calm while doing so. You might get a little hurt, but you will be alive and better days are going to come. If you feel like you are not ready for love, that means you need to find it within you. Of course you’re not going to appreciate anything around you because you don’t appreciate yourself yet. People who continue to chase after things for happiness will never be happy. Even if you get the things that you want, there’s only a moment of happiness. It’s not everlasting. That’s why you continue chasing, because you’re not fulfilled.

“We”

We often have anxiety and worries because of the future and the past, but if you chose to live in the moment, who knows what would happen. Something new and exciting could happen to you, but you’re so stuck in the past or the future that you’re not realizing what’s actually happening to you in the moment. If you stopped thinking about the past or if you stopped worrying about “what if this happens again”. I promise you it won’t happen again, but the more you fear something the more your fears will pop up in your face. If you stopped thinking about your future or about the things you want they most likely would come faster. The more you chase after what you want the more it runs away from you. You must feel like you already have and you will have. A butterfly doesn’t transform into a butterfly overnight; It’s a process. Just like your desires and wants; they’re a process.