Is Self-Love Selfish?

Some people believe that showing yourself self-love is selfish. Whilst I do recognise the relationship between self-love and selfishness, personally, I prefer to adopt the view that (for the most part) self-love is a nurturing relationship with yourself and a dedication to prioritizing your own needs.

In this article, you’ll learn not only why self-love is not selfish, but why it is not always a bad thing to be selfish.

• Is being selfish bad?
• The Joy of Being Selfish
• Self-love is not selfish

Is being selfish bad?

In order to truly understand why self-love is not selfish, you firstly need to reasses how you view the word ‘selfish’. Selfishness is often viewed as an immoral and undesirable trait. It’s seen to be an inherently negative characteristic and can cause feelings of shame and guilt if received as an insult.

However, my hot take is that being selfish is not always a bad thing. Hear me out. After reading Michelle Elman’s, The Queen of Boundaries, book ‘The Joy of Being Selfish’, I quickly realised that being labelled as selfish can sometimes just mean that you have firm boundaries. Two other books which helped me on my journey of self love are Body Positive Power and Atlas of The Heart.

The Joy of Being Selfish

“It’s time to discover the joy being selfish. Putting the needs of everyone around us before our own is ingrained in us from a young age. Often, this leaves us with little time or energy for much-needed self-love and self-care, and to figure out who we truly are and what we really want.” — Michelle Elman

In order to have self-love, you first need to prioritise putting your needs first. For example, pretend you have a friend or relative who has borrowed money from you multiple times, but never pays back fully or on time. Now imagine they ask you to lend them more money. You consider this. You think about how ‘selfless’ of you it would be to lend the money. But what about your financial wellbeing? Eventually, you decide not to lend them money. Some people may label you as selfish, but aren’t you just prioritizing your own financial wellbeing?

Prioritizing your own wellbeing is a form of self-love, but to get there requires some degree of selfishness. It can help to view the term ‘selfish’ through a more neutral lens. Instead of immediately thinking of it as a negative trait, try to see it more generally. Being ‘selfish’ is prioritizing your needs above those of others, and sometimes this is neccesary. Once you are able to reframe how you view the word 'selfish', you are more able to accept that to be selfish is sometimes a neccesity.

Self-love is not selfish

You can’t pour from an empty cup. Taking time to care for yourself is neccesary if you want to be the best version of yourself. Perhaps you are a ‘yes person’, somebody who will always say yes when something is asked of them. Sometimes you may love being this person and you might take great pleasure from helping others. But self-love is there when you need or want to say no. It may feel selfish at first, especially if people are used to your continuous selflessness. But it’s important to be able to say no to avoid burnout. By taking the time you need to rest and recooperate, you’ll bounce back each time with a new lust for your passions. Don’t feel guilty for putting yourself first.

Have you struggled with feeling selfish when trying to show yourself self-love? What did you do?